06-Hi. You sound like I did when I was your age. I felt that I had committed the unforgivable sin to for thinking really, really bad thoughts.about him. Mentally, I beat myself up for years and years. There was a war going on in my head, the more I didn't want to think the thoughts, the more they came. It was extremely exhausting and the fear of being dead forever was almost more than I could bear.
I too tried to talk to my parents about it, but they couldn't understand the mental torture I was going through.
Finally, I got the mental help I needed. The diagnosis was OCD and Anxiety. Please try to get help. There is something called Religious Traumatic Stress Syndrome, and you could well be suffering from it.