the first time i heard of christopher hitchens was today when his named was mentioned multiple times in the comment section of a youtube video.
after reading a brief summary of his life, it became clear that this guy was a complete douche-bag.
a very arrogant sarcastic bigoted f**k who looked down on everyone who didn't share his beliefs.
Hitchens will live forever through his literary and journalistic works.
Phila-- whatever his name is, on the other hand, will die knowing that no one ever gave a flying fuck about his pathetic personal opinions. At least... I assume they're pathetic, I didn't bother reading past the title.
since you left the cult how long has it been (communicated) only.
family members.
your mom, dad ,brother, sister, son.
Damn... 587. I'm sorry.
i read the stories of those stuck in, or those who are out but still experience unwelcome, intrusive visits from dubs and i want to go to your hall.
or be at your house when the jackass elders come over.
i could say all the things you want to but can't because you're afraid to out yourself, or because you are just really nice.
"I'll cut you!"-- serenitynow!
AWESOME!
I'm not nice. But... you guys already know that.
since you left the cult how long has it been (communicated) only.
family members.
your mom, dad ,brother, sister, son.
Brother, Mom, Dad-- about 7 years since we had a legitimate conversation. I have a son that my parents want to see, so there is very limited contact from time to time. Mostly with my wife. For some reason, they're more comfortable communicating with my wife [also a former JW, except she studied and got baptized for me] rather than me...
i have neither friends nor family to turn to.
the result of being born in a cult.
but i need to talk about this.
Well-- I have good reasons for suggesting the things that I do. I certainly wouldn't expect everyone to agree with everything that I suggest. But I will say that they are proven tactics for correcting the sort of problem that the OP is experiencing.
I'm not so stupid as to think that women see things the same way men do. Women do not often "cheat" for purely sexual reasons. Women step outside of a relationship for reasons that I've already stated, feeling unfulfilled, unsatisfied, and unwanted. Most of these problems can be solved by stimulating her through genuine interest and spontaneity. Which is what she felt like she was getting from the extramarital experience. I'm not suggesting that sex is a fix in and of itself. But I am suggesting that there's a reason the girl went over to her coworkers house wearing her sexiest underwear. If a woman feels desired both emotionally and physically [I want your body and appreciate your mind.], she's not likely to feel unfulfilled. That's my point.
Women like to talk things out, they want to be heard. But if you continually harp on someone's bad behavior, causing them to feel bad about themselves, they WILL seek out situations or PEOPLE who make them feel good again. So, if the OP wishes to salvage the relationship, his best course of action is to focus on improving their relationship without punishing her for her past transgressions.
That's just my .02
StillThinking-- I'm not the type of "player" that you imagine.
i have neither friends nor family to turn to.
the result of being born in a cult.
but i need to talk about this.
StillThinking--LOL. You're right. The primary point is that they need to do things TOGETHER that are outside of their comfort zone. It's an extreme example, sure, and not for everybody. It's not the idea of bringing other people into the relationship that's beneficial about going to a place like that. JonathanH said that he was envious that he couldn't have the little fantasy that she had. I think going to a swinger's club [not swinging, not having sexual contact with anyone else] is a way to assuage that emotion. The idea is to recognize that it's natural to be attracted to and be found attractive by the opposite sex. And to figure out how to redirect the feelings of excitement at being found attractive and interesting BACK TO YOUR PARTNER.
Trust me, it works.
If you've never been to one of those clubs, it may be a little difficult to understand. It's not as bad as you think.
If I had a nickel for every girl who said she couldn't think of anything worse than going to a swinger's club and ended up having a great time, getting incredibly turned on, and taking those passions out on her appropriate partner... I'd have like... 30 cents.
Whether you think that's a crappy idea or not. The rest of what I said is valid. If you want the marriage to work, you have to ignore the transgression. Rubbing her nose in it won't help. Asking her why she did it won't help. I promise she did what she did because she feels that she got married too young, wasted her youth, is only 27 and is already old and boring, or is about to be 30 and doesn't know what she wants out of life, blah, blah, blah. Same shit every woman her age deals with on some level. That guy paid more attention to her, more compliments, more flirting... made her feel sexy. She obviously craves some excitement. The hubby has got to give it to her.
Don't ask her about the relationship.
Don't cry, whine, or mope.
Do something fun and unexpected together. Preferably something sexy.
Be a stud. Ravage her. Eat her alive. Remind her that you can't get enough of her.
Women should be treated like shampoo... Wet, lather, rinse, repeat.
i have neither friends nor family to turn to.
the result of being born in a cult.
but i need to talk about this.
I wasn't suggesting ACTUALLY swinging. But a swinger's club is a very sexually charged environment. You meet flirtatious people who are interested in you as a couple. That guy flirts with your wife while his wife flirts with you. Swingers in general, are successful, polite people who are sexually open. Nobody is going to attack you. It's typically very Sadie Hawkins, the girls run the show, and some level of bicuriousness among the women is common. It's a very sexy, very flattering, very confidence building environment.
You can dance, meet people who will compliment you and treat you like you're interesting (cause you're fresh meat, LOL), and engage in a little exhibitionism if you're ballsy enough. You'll leave very horny, very sexually charged, and it'll last for a few days.
That's just one suggestion. My point is that they need to experiment. They need to do things TOGETHER that were previously out of the question. And figure out what she's looking for.
i have neither friends nor family to turn to.
the result of being born in a cult.
but i need to talk about this.
Steve2-- I'm not cussing AT the guy. I'm trying to help him. Giving him a shoulder to cry on isn't going to help his situation.
And I think that whenever you're talking about something as personal and painful as this, a little foul language is warranted.
i have neither friends nor family to turn to.
the result of being born in a cult.
but i need to talk about this.
You already know the reason. Listen... I've been the other man. More than once. It feels kind of shitty actually admitting that, but... I'm trying to help.
Part of it you can't compete with. A new romance (forgive the term) is exciting, you've got that part right. It is what it is. You can't win there. But she feels like she's missing something, that's why she did it.
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to win her back without groveling like a pussy (forgive the term). She needs to know you want her, but she doesn't need you all weepy reminding her how much damage she's done. If you do that, you'll fall into a cycle where you make her feel bad about herself and she has to go find someone else to make her feel good. Does that make sense?
You need to get spicy. Lots of chicks get their minds blown by blue collar guys so quit worrying about your economic status. Do something outrageous that she won't expect. Pick a completely inappropriate time to let her know that you absolutely have to have her. Stick your hand in her pants in the grocery store checkout line. Step outside of your comfort zone. You're going to have to be a little extreme for the next few months.
And don't you fucking dare ask her any more questions about her relationship with the other guy. It doesn't matter. You don't give a shit about him. He's nothing. He gave it a shot and she came back to you. He obviously can't compete.
Play it right and you can be like Pequinita from South Pacific singing... "I'm gonna [fuck] that man right out of her head." <--- make more sense if you know the original.
i have neither friends nor family to turn to.
the result of being born in a cult.
but i need to talk about this.
I'm sorry, brother... no fun at all.
There are some lessons here, I didn't read all the posts, but I'm sure at least some of what I say is going to be original.
She's obviously not that committed to her J-dubbedness... now's a good time to draw her away if that's your intent.
You have to swallow your pride and acknowledge that you're falling short somewhere. You're not making her feel sexy. You're obviously a busy man, but you HAVE to pick up the slack there. It's totally natural for a woman (or man) to be flattered by attention from the opposite sex. As a married couple, it's hard to keep the heat, the excitement going because you tend to lose some of the mystery. You need to regain some of that.
Some things I don't think anyone else has suggested...
1. if you shit in front of her, stop. Don't fart, burp, shit or do anything considered impolite in mixed company, in front of her.
2. text her dirty pictures and phrases during the day. Not of your junk, but of a body part she likes, or just of you licking your lips. Add dirty captions. "I can't wait to get home and bury my face between your thighs." that sort of thing.
3. take her to a "Lifestyle" or "Swinger" club. Almost everyone has one within driving distance. Sometimes you have to pay for a membership... Go on a theme night, or contact the club and ask when it's busy. You would prefer an OFF PREMISE club. ON premise means that people go there to have sex. You probably don't want that. An OFF premise club will have a dance floor and probably a designated area for sex if that's allowed. Have her dress much sexier than would normally make her comfortable. Many women there will be mostly nude. Which reminds me... if there's more than one club in your area, do some research. I guarantee that there is one club that the hot people go to and others that are populated by fat people.
Anyway... you get the idea. You have to do something overtly sexual that's well outside of your (as a couple) comfort zone. You think it made her comfortable going to another man's home? No. She was nervous and terrified, which was exciting. You need to think outside of the box.
And I agree with Found Sheep and others who said she needs to quit her job. Erase that dude's number from her phone. Etc...
