Hey Sis,
You are scaring me a little right now. My sister committed suicide 3 years ago last March. I miss her terribly. Please, run...don't walk to your counselor and talk, talk and talk some more. Her death left a big hole in my heart and I am sure that would be true for those who love you, including people you've never actually met such as on this board. Please give yourself the time and the opportunity to sort things out. Nothing is ever as bad as it seems.
with hopeful love and encouragement,
Oldhippie