Bx,
My only fear is that at the rate you're going, you're about losing your head/health. I know this board is cathartic: you spill it out and you feel slightly better. But just how long are you going to lead a double life? Please I do not mean this to be derogatory, but hiding your on-line activities from your wife, conducting the book study, carrying on as an elder, going out (still) in field service and placing magazines and books (which you admit are worthless at best, extremely harmful at worst - therefore akin to administering poison to unsuspecting people), turning in your report, giving talks, teaching what you no longer believe, goading the flock, secretly wishing they'd all quit the religion you're in but vilify, the list is endless. I know your fears (losing wife and kids), but wouldn't it be better for all concerned if you made bold by declaring who you truly are and what you now believe? Wouldn't it be far better if you stopped being a hypocrite yourself?
I too "have been there" and that personal conflict and struggle leave a telling mark. I believe you're doing more harm than good to yourself and your loved ones, notwithstanding your "services" to this board.
pc