Welcome, stirred. What you expressed is very similar to many here. Some here have gone through extreme turmoil which started them questioning things. I don't say "doubt", however, because many here don't doubt God or his Son, but do "question" the teachings of man. There is nothing wrong with questioning man's teachings, contrary to what the Society claims. In fact, there is nothing wrong with questioning God or his representatives, as we saw clearly yesterday in the Watchtower study where Gideon did just that. Questions lead to other questions. Sometimes they lead to answers, sometimes not. But sometimes, the journey is better than the destination.
I understand the feeling of disloyalty. It's easy to feel that way, especially since the Society has ingrained in us the requirement to be loyal. Often, they use the example of David and how he would not dare to take Saul's life because Saul was an anointed one by God. However, what we fail to recognize is that is where his loyalty stopped. He was not loyal to Saul's orders at that point because Saul was seeking to kill him. In other words, loyalty to man only goes so far.
Think of this: who does the Society say they represent? Jehovah. Who do they say they belong to? Jehovah.
Now ask: What arrangement did Jehovah really set up? Ephesians 1:22 says God made Christ head over all things with regard to the congregation.
What does this imply? That the Society's position takes Christ out of the way. It's no longer: Jehovah -> Jesus -> Congregation. Instead, it's Jehovah -> Congregation. When was the last time you heard "Christ's channel"? If the Society has taken the place of Christ, then wouldn't they really be overstepping their authority?
Consider this: in Egypt, Joseph was made second to Pharaoh. This was an illustration of the relationship between God and Christ. Even the Society makes this link. (w52 p. 733 par. 13) Notice what the scriptures say about their relationship.
Regarding the famine:
Gen 41:15: Eventually, all the land of Egypt suffered from the famine, and the people began to cry to Phar′aoh for bread. Then Phar′aoh said to all the Egyptians: “Go to Joseph, and do whatever he tells you.”
Do you think the Egyptians could do an end run around Joseph and go directly to Pharaoh? No. Notice what he further says:
Gen 41:39-41: Phar′aoh then said to Joseph: “Since God has caused you to know all of this, there is no one as discreet and wise as you. You will personally be over my house, and all my people will obey you implicitly. Only in my role as king will I be greater than you.” And Phar′aoh added to Joseph: “See, I am putting you over all the land of Egypt.”
Do you see the picture here? This is EXACTLY what Jehovah has done with Christ.
When Jesus was transfigured:
Matt 17:5: While he was still speaking, look! a bright cloud overshadowed them, and look! a voice out of the cloud said: “This is my Son, the beloved, whom I have approved. Listen to him.”
And later, when Jesus was resurrected:
Matt 28:18: Jesus approached and spoke to them, saying: “All authority has been given me in heaven and on the earth.
Just like Pharaoh was greater in his role as king, Jehovah is greater in his role as King to his Son:
1 Cor 15:27-28: For God “subjected all things under his feet.” But when he says that ‘all things have been subjected,’ it is evident that this does not include the One who subjected all things to him. But when all things will have been subjected to him, then the Son himself will also subject himself to the One who subjected all things to him, that God may be all things to everyone.
What's my point? The Society constantly does an end run around God's duly appointed King, places themselves in his place and ignores his authority. True, they do give him lip service, but in reality, they treat Jesus as nothing more that a sacrifice. They do not honor him as they do God, which they really should do. John 5:22,23 says: "For the Father judges no one at all, but he has entrusted all the judging to the Son, so that all may honor the Son just as they honor the Father. Whoever does not honor the Son does not honor the Father who sent him."
One should ask, then, since God appointed Christ over all things, including the congregation, to whom should our loyalty go? To the organization? Or to Christ?
Another thing to think about: Read Galatians 2 very carefully. It is Paul's account of that famed meeting in Jerusalem from which the Society gets the idea of a governing body. Why did he go in the first place? Does it sound like Paul was going up to ask a question to get settled? Was he being disloyal with his actions?
Anyway, like I said, this is a very common feeling, and one that can take a long time to get past. Please pray and do your research. Don't leave God out of the process.
Best wishes to you.
~LQ