let's see,where do i start?i decided to have a quiet drive home after work.it takes about one and half hours.no cd playing,no talk radio,no news, just a quiet drive listening to my own thoughts.i'm not concentrating on any one thing,just kind of letting my mind flow wherever it wants to.. then it starts,my mind goes back to when our children were small.as i'm driving i am having this flashback,i'm going to save my family from dying at armageddon,why the little ones are dependant on us for their future life happiness.. there will be no birthday parties,holiday celebrations,even though one of them was born on the 4th of july.no extra-curricular activities at school,and everyone will know that they don't salute the flag,nor sing the national anthem.and at the infirmary they know that they are not to take blood.. after school homework,the preparing for meetings,more studying comes next.no tv.
tonight,it's a meeting night.oh goody,the weekend is here,now we can go out and play.sorry,we have to go out in field service,mommy and daddy will show you how to have so much fun in the field service on saturday and sunday.. i start to cry,literally,there is real pain in my chest and a lump in my throat.as i have this flashback on the drive home tonight.i think of how i robbed my children of their childhood,i'm getting very emotional and angry,a picture flashes across my mind of all those years,30 plus,that i lost for my wife and children.the opportunities that we turned down,we are going to survive armageddon!.
i have had a talked with my family about my regrets over having put my family through this before and they don't blame me.they feel that i was doing what i thought was the best for them at the time.they forgive me,but i having yet forgiven myself.. the family says that they learned something about life,religion etc.that the experience has not made them bitter,and they have moved on.the children are happily married and doing fine.my wife and i are doing the best that we can with what time we have left.we are in our sixties,no retirement or pension fund.taking it day to day.. this is what happened on the quiet drive home tonight,it's been a year and a half of being inactive and still the flashbacks of the past 30 something years in the watchtower and all of what that has entail in raising my family still wells up inside me when i try to rest my mind and think of nothing.. i cried all the way home for one and a half hours,pain in my chest and heart,my head feeling like it would explode,angry at the society for the big chunk of life that they stole from us.. and i thought of so many others sharing the same feelings and experiences as my family,and those still stuck inside.soon as i arrived home,i collected myself together and said:"hi honey,i'm home!
(((Blueblades))) Tears are like little drops of sadness, and as you let them go, you feel a release. What you're going through is perfectly normal. You know, some fathers neglect their families due to work, sports, drink, etc. You never neglected them, you were always there with them, and always had their best interests at heart. Kids see the difference between wilful neglect and sincere interest. And your family loves you and understands, since they walked the walk as well. If anyone can understand, they can.
The next step will be forgiving yourself. It will happen. And if more drops of sadness need to fall, let them. You'll feel better. And then tell us about it. We're here for you.
[quick update: almost a year ago my mother had two strokes and a heart attack.
needless to say, we haven?t stepped foot in a kingdom hell since then.
some of the rank and file have been kind and supportive, so i have them over to the house once in awhile (i?m also doing it for selfish reasons since it gives me a break and i can get out)]
[quick update: almost a year ago my mother had two strokes and a heart attack.
needless to say, we haven?t stepped foot in a kingdom hell since then.
some of the rank and file have been kind and supportive, so i have them over to the house once in awhile (i?m also doing it for selfish reasons since it gives me a break and i can get out)]
Gary: sorry, that's not what I meant, maybe I'm being too sensitive! I used to be afraid of dishonouring God by not being obedient to the elders. Maybe with you it was different, maybe men can stand up to other men easier, but I figured if I was too "rebellious" then I wouldn't be a good example, you know, the guilt thing. It seemed like in your post you were referring to the present tense, as in "what did I still have to be afraid of", but my original post referred to my past habit of avoiding confrontation. Since I did call back that elder and demand to know what he had said, I figure that it was a lot of progess for me.
[quick update: almost a year ago my mother had two strokes and a heart attack.
needless to say, we haven?t stepped foot in a kingdom hell since then.
some of the rank and file have been kind and supportive, so i have them over to the house once in awhile (i?m also doing it for selfish reasons since it gives me a break and i can get out)]
You are doing just fine! Each person heals in his or her own way - you are going about it your way and it does take time. There is a poster here who seems to be exactly at the point I was a year ago. It's quite liberating to see how far I've come in such a short time. You will too.
Steve Hassan's book on mind control should be on your list of things to read. Also, Ray Franz' Crisis of Conscience. I just finished reading it and now I understand why it gets mentioned here a lot!
Try and get hold of Eric Hoffer's "True Believer", a study of mass movements in the 20th century. It's not too long a read, and though its main focus is not religions, it's astounding how many parallels there are to the WTS' evolution and growth and other movements such as Communism.
We lived in a closed world as dubs. When you start learning more and more about WTS history and history in general you'll see that the WTS is not really so unique after all, in the way they control people and achieve uniformity of action and thought. Crisis of Conscience will show you how other religions also teach the same things JWs claim as exclusively their own, paradise earth, no hell, no immortality, etc. Plus the blatant hypocrisy and bloodguilt of the WTS will make you sick. And then believe me, the guilt will go away.
[quick update: almost a year ago my mother had two strokes and a heart attack.
needless to say, we haven?t stepped foot in a kingdom hell since then.
some of the rank and file have been kind and supportive, so i have them over to the house once in awhile (i?m also doing it for selfish reasons since it gives me a break and i can get out)]
thanks LT (BTW, how are things with your sister ??)
I'll start with the Psalms tonight, but I have such an aversion to the NWT right now I'll stick with the one I used yesterday, it's a Catholic translation, I think it's called the New English bible.
[quick update: almost a year ago my mother had two strokes and a heart attack.
needless to say, we haven?t stepped foot in a kingdom hell since then.
some of the rank and file have been kind and supportive, so i have them over to the house once in awhile (i?m also doing it for selfish reasons since it gives me a break and i can get out)]
[quick update: almost a year ago my mother had two strokes and a heart attack.
needless to say, we haven?t stepped foot in a kingdom hell since then.
some of the rank and file have been kind and supportive, so i have them over to the house once in awhile (i?m also doing it for selfish reasons since it gives me a break and i can get out)]
[quick update: almost a year ago my mother had two strokes and a heart attack.
needless to say, we haven?t stepped foot in a kingdom hell since then.
some of the rank and file have been kind and supportive, so i have them over to the house once in awhile (i?m also doing it for selfish reasons since it gives me a break and i can get out)]
