Hi thewalker. The feelings of confusion, guilt, disappointment, fear - they are common to many of us here.
There's no cure, only working things out for yourself, what you see and hear, what you are taught, what you believe.
If you've been lurking then you know what this site is all about.
Most here have been through all the emotions and decided the WT has many lovely people in it, but the teachings are becoming more and more difficult to believe, and the leadership more and more disconnected from reality.
For something that demands to control every aspect of my life I need it to be flawless, and the WT is clearly demonstrating hypocrisy, unkindness and that it has lost its way.
I hope you find what you're searching for.