Posts by scootergirl

47

finally got my thoughts gathered to share......

by scootergirl in

i am relatively new to the board and have to say have never had such a heartwarming welcome from so many people!

it feels so comforting to make new friends that "understand" where i have come from.. i have read many many stories, and have sat back in awe....wow, what stories.

mine is quite simple, but none-the-less my story.

scootergirl

Blues.......I would always welcome a hug.....especially from a fellow "hippie" (okay, I am just a hippie-wanna-be).

Thanks EVERYONE for offering such love and support for me and eyegirl.

21

New Date for Armageddon - 2015

by Dawn in

jw
friends

the following is a message from another jw forum i visited:.

i came across a scripture (genesis 15:16) which says that god's people would return "in the fourth generation".

true, it doesn't say where in the fourth generation but as they were to be in egypt for 430 years then if they return in the fourth we're looking at generations being divided up into approx.

scootergirl

...it's only a hop-ski and a jump to 2015!

For goodness sake! What thinking!

32

Finding out Who you really are

by Sentinel in

good morning everyone,.

i'm very new on here--just "born yesterday", as a matter of fact, but am finding out how wonderful it is to be able to be free to express thoughts and opinions, share ideas, give comfort, and find hope, within "these walls".. i'm going to ask a question, and that is, how long did it take any of you souls out there to find your true self, after leaving jw's?

i was very young when i was first introduced to the studies of jw's.

scootergirl

Amen......GB....couldn't have said it better myself!

32

Finding out Who you really are

by Sentinel in

good morning everyone,.

i'm very new on here--just "born yesterday", as a matter of fact, but am finding out how wonderful it is to be able to be free to express thoughts and opinions, share ideas, give comfort, and find hope, within "these walls".. i'm going to ask a question, and that is, how long did it take any of you souls out there to find your true self, after leaving jw's?

i was very young when i was first introduced to the studies of jw's.

scootergirl

psychdigg......I agree that "growing up is tough" BUT I have to say I don't know too many religions out there that have rules about "worldly associations". Not many religions out their have such a control in young people's lives at the jws. Yes, growing up is hard let alone adding "outcast" to the ordeal.

In our congregation you were not allowed to go to any sporting events ("bad" associations), dances ("bad" associations), no friendships w/those NOT a JW ("bad" associations). Any organization w/in Highschool (i.e, band, choir, Honors Society etc.) was frowned up PLUS you better think twice about heading off to college because you just might "stumble your brother".

I believed the WT, believed everything it said, everything that the borg told me to. I thought that to have complete faith in Jehovah it was to follow all these idiotic rules. I also lived in fear. Fear that if I stepped outside the line of thinking I would be outed. When I made a mistake, comitted a "sin", I was terrified of having the borg and Jah turn away from me. I grew up thinking "conditional" love was the only way. Everything was so black and white. I was a number, a memeber, not "me"....

When I questioned certain beliefs I was insubordinate. They sure got rid of me quick.

You tell me what religion out there teaches this? I am married to a Catholic (non-practicing but was raised) and yes, they (as well as any religions) have their problems, but I will tell you. He has 5 siblings-each that have taken their own path in life and never once did his devote catholic mother and father turn their back on them at the prompting of the church.

To each their own thinking but I will tell you, I will never raise my children with such extreme rules and regulations that it stifles them. I will always encourage my children to think for themselves, to questions, and to challenge.

Edited by - scootergirl on 9 June 2002 12:15:20

32

Finding out Who you really are

by Sentinel in

good morning everyone,.

i'm very new on here--just "born yesterday", as a matter of fact, but am finding out how wonderful it is to be able to be free to express thoughts and opinions, share ideas, give comfort, and find hope, within "these walls".. i'm going to ask a question, and that is, how long did it take any of you souls out there to find your true self, after leaving jw's?

i was very young when i was first introduced to the studies of jw's.

scootergirl

Sentinel...

I read your post this morning while having coffee and had time to really think about what you said. I could relate to what you posted.

Speaking for myself, I feel like I had an identity crisis. The Organization was my life-it was all I ever really knew. I didn't have outside friends/relatives anymore because the borg warned against it, so I surrounded myself w/"Friends". I was told what to think, what to study, told not to question, told to listen and wait. As long as I walked that fine line, my world would be okay. Once I stepped off I was let go of everything familiar to me. The problem that really plagued me was as a teenager I don't feel that I was prepared for adulthood. Think about, growing up is the time when we are suppose to have the love and support of family and friends to learn about life, find out who we are, make the needed decisions to prepare us for adulthood. I truely feel that I was emotionally handicapped for the "real" world and hence, made lots of mistakes that "normal" kids probably made during their teenage times (only thing is I was considered an "adult"). I was a cameleon...I had no idea who I really was, so I would take on the personalities (likes, dislikes) of those around me. It wasn't until the last few years that I really discovered who I am.

I don't know if this makes any sense or not....I just feel that after a person leaves, there is a process that takes awhile to "find yourself" and in due time, a person does. It takes awhile to shake off the way of thinking that was so ingrained in all of us.

Welcome Sentinel! Thanks for sharing such a personal post and I am looking forward to getting to know you better.

47

finally got my thoughts gathered to share......

by scootergirl in

i am relatively new to the board and have to say have never had such a heartwarming welcome from so many people!

it feels so comforting to make new friends that "understand" where i have come from.. i have read many many stories, and have sat back in awe....wow, what stories.

mine is quite simple, but none-the-less my story.

scootergirl

Damn you Beck......it isn't nice to make your "seester" cry so early in the day! I love you too....more than I can ever ever say! I mean it when I said you are a blessing. I remember praying to God saying "just one more thing and I won't ask for anything else" and that was to be w/you again. I haven't ask for anything since!

OBTW.....here is a picture of my family

http://geocities.com/filthybikers/

Just a caution, it was my hubby's first attempt at a webpage and he has an annoying sound that is looped thru it! (**note to self, update picture)

~Christy

You know when healing's occurred when you can remember when you want to and forget when you choose.-Bessel van der Kolk

47

finally got my thoughts gathered to share......

by scootergirl in

i am relatively new to the board and have to say have never had such a heartwarming welcome from so many people!

it feels so comforting to make new friends that "understand" where i have come from.. i have read many many stories, and have sat back in awe....wow, what stories.

mine is quite simple, but none-the-less my story.

scootergirl

(SaintSatan.....he wasn't killed by a truck driver but by a drunk driver)

Finally the conclusion...

For the next few years after LeRoys death I again felt completely alone. His sudden death caused his family to fall apart and we eventually went our own ways (everyone deals w/grief differently).

Looking back I realize that many of the decisions I made were not healthy for me. Alcohol, drugs, bad choices in men....I was looking for anything to make me happy. I do remember vowing to my baby when she was born that she would never have to go thru what I did (vow that was made w/each of my three pregnancies)...I would NEVER abandon any of them and would love them unconditionally.

I was in a on-again-off-again relationship w/a man for 7 years which produced a wonderful son. Unfortunately that relationship didn't last and we parted.

Once again I was faced w/another tragedy in my life involving my daughter and a "grandfather figure". I will not go into details about that....but let me say, if you ever hear the anger in my voice concerning pedofiles know where it comes from. Needing my mother, any mother figure at this point, I reach out to her for help and comfort (stupidly thinking that maybe this will change her stand on our relationship). Let me stress stupidly. Again w/the preaching. Again with the "remember Manassah". AARRGGHH... My daughter and I got thru that ordeal and this pedofile was sentenced to jail time and probation.

There are many years in my life that are a blur. I lived on crisis to the next. I had difficulty thinking for myself. Difficulty thinking for myself. On the outside it looked as if I had it all together but on the insides I was full of anger, rage, disappointment and grief. I felt that loss was something that I was going to have to get use to all my life. Then I remember the mental breakdown I had. I am not going to say it came in one day, it was years of ignorning my feelings, ignoring help. It came from me not taking care of myself emotionally, physically, mentally. I was continually trying to understand but just couldn't. I wanted answers but no one could give them to me.

I woke up one morning and couldn't quit crying. My I called the crisis hotline and couldn't even get the words out. All those years of not dealing w/emotions came rushing out. I went to the doctor who prescribed xanax for me (I also suffered from Anxiety attacks).

Things got better for awhile...I started getting the help I needed and then all those emotions that I stuffed for years came up. In a fit of rage one morning (initially it was for something that my ex was doing) I put my fist thru the glass doors of a gun cabinet. My children heard all of this. Blood all over a beige carpeting. Another trip to the hospital. 9 stitches and a beautiful scar on my hand to remind me of the ordeal. To make matters worse, my aunt and uncle (the uncle who gave me away at my wedding) decided to give us a suprise visit! Imagine their horror to walk into my unlocked house to find blood all over and a gun cabinet busted! When I came home from the hospital, my aunt stayed w/the kids and cleaned while my uncle took me out for coffee. Our coffee outing was 6 hours long! He was so honest and loving. Him and my aunt helped me get the help I needed.

It was that day that I decided to make changes in my life. "Nothing changes if nothing changes", right? Unfortunately my son's father and me split (but it was for the better). I got myself in a support program that has helped tremendously. I made drastic changes in my life and made a comittment to get well again. I had my children to think about and myself for a change. I faced my feelings and anger w/the borg and my parents with the help of counselors (one-on-one) and w/in my support group. I surrounded myself w/healthy people. I started to develop a relationship w/myself...started to find out who the real Christy was. I made ammends to myself for mistakes in the past. I also developed a relationship w/God again. Thru my journey of recovery I have learned to stand up for myself and have been able to teach my children to do so also.

After spending time w/myself for awhile, I met my current husband. We wisked me away to Ochos Rios (Jamaica) and we were married at sunset, barefoot on the beach. We have a son together...he turned 2 in December. We live in the "woods" of Northern Minnesota and I got back to basics in life. I needed to simplify my life, prioritize it. I have learned to cut out what is destructive in my life. Being out here is the closest that I have ever been to God.

I also recovered my sense of humor that was supressed all those years. As for my brother and sister, neither one continues in the borg. My brother and I were reunited about 7 or 8 years ago and are extremely close. My sister (a.k.a. eyegirl) and I were reunited last Easter Sunday after I found her email address on classmates.com She has been the final blessing in my life. I love her more than I ever thought I could love a sibling. She made a sacrifice and moved closer to me and my family and I what a blessing!

My parents, they would like to have a relationship w/their grandchildren. My two oldest have spent a small amount of time w/them this past year. My mother still tries to guilt and shame me (this followed by praises about me being a good mother!) but I no longer allow this to effect me. She asked me on Mother's Day this year why I was so bitter towards Jehovah and when I replied it wasn't Jehovah but the borg I told her someday maybe she will ask me why I have continued to stay away. She took the bait and I got to finally tell her my reasonings. I did so w/utmost respect and tact but explained that I will NEVER belong to ANY organization that would have me chose between my faith and my children. NEVER. PERIOD. She didn't take it well and feels that I hold her in contempt. She also is upset and feels that I am a "pull" with my sister. My dad and I don't speak. My mother apparently is the "spokesperson" of the family. Sad...it is like my dad's voice was taken from him.

In a way, I feel sorry for them. They missed out on everything good in my life. How painful it must be for a grandmother never to hold her grandbabies and sing them to sleep. How painful it must be for a mother to turn her back on her own child...never to be there to offer advice, encouragment and support. How sad for a father never be able to spend time w/his three children again. How sad never to know what true love is....all for the sake of a man made organization.

As for me, I will continue doing what I am doing-cause it works. Although it is difficult for me to step foot in a Church, I don't know if I will ever be ready for organized religion. But as for my spirituality, it is very strong and very important in my life. I continue w/my 12-step program because I apply the steps to my life w/my parents. I raise my children completely differently than I was raised and am amazed at how they blossom each day. I see my oldest and really want her to live her childhood as a child....to discover herself and make the mistakes and decisions that are needed to prepare her for adulthood.

My siblings and I continue to be close. I feel part of a family again. And I want to say, with the love I have been shown on this board, I feel part of something wonderful..something big...something very special. I only hope that I can return the kindness that has been shown to me.

There is a quote my Martin Luther King that I just love...

"Everything that I have held in man's hands I have lost, but that what has been held in God's hands I have gained."

Thanks so much for allowing me to share. What was difficult in the beginning was reassuring in the end. To look back and realize how far I have come has been fantastic.

~Christy

You know when healing's occurred when you can remember when you want to and forget when you choose.-Bessel van der Kolk

41

REUNION WITH JW SIS AFTER 20 YRS OF SHUNNING

by California Sunshine in

today is mar 25th.

ive decided to write about this and post it when im done.

dont know when that will be.

scootergirl

Nothing like starting my morning w/tears and a cup of coffee!

Thank you so much, Sunny....thank you for sharing such a wonderful story.

I am eyegirl's sister and could completely relate to everything in your story Sunny. I remember Eye was just a little blonde girl in pigtails when I left. Her and I are 10 years apart and were so close. I remember crying because I missed her so much. I deal w/anger towards our parents and the borg for taking away so much of our lives. She was 8, then I blinked my eyes and she was 23 the next time I saw her. Even though the borg took 15 years away from us, they will not take another minute!

~Christy

You know when healing's occurred when you can remember when you want to and forget when you choose.-Bessel van der Kolk

47

finally got my thoughts gathered to share......

by scootergirl in

i am relatively new to the board and have to say have never had such a heartwarming welcome from so many people!

it feels so comforting to make new friends that "understand" where i have come from.. i have read many many stories, and have sat back in awe....wow, what stories.

mine is quite simple, but none-the-less my story.

scootergirl

You guys are so wonderful....my tears started out in pain and now your kindness has overwhelmed me!....

What I remember most that morning is my mother sitting in the kitchen w/my brother and sister (a.k.a. "eyegirl") praying for "her two children". I was in shock... disbelief. Trying to hurry and pack what I could carry on my back I did and she hastily rushed me out the door to the car. As the car backed out the driveway she told me to take one last look at my siblings. I was crying so hard...they were crying (and they had to go to school after all of this!).

After she left the bus station (which wasn't even open yet) this kind old man (I still say he was an angel) saw me sitting there on my suitcase crying. It was cold out, he offered me a seat in his car and gave me some coffee out of a thermos. I tried to explain what happened and he just listened. When the station opened, he gave me money for the phone and I went in and called a friend that I knew from high school who immediately left work and picked me up. That older fellow brought my suitcase inside and before I could thank him he was gone.

Now, where do I decide to go? I was scared and wanted to be w/LeRoy. So my friend drove me the couple hundred of miles and I knocked on LeRoy's door in tears. He immediately brought me inside and these two guys settled me down.

My judicial committee was the following day and LeRoy suggested that I not go. I remember him asking me "why...why would you put yourself thru that again?" I called my mother who was still irrate and when my father got on the phone he was very cold. I am sure that he got "her" version. I was df'd.

I eventually got a hold of my aunt and uncle (not jw) who supported me 110%. I took my parents to small claims court to retrieve my belongings out of their house (which I won) and started to stand on my own feet. I was fiesty....mouthy and had a HUGE attitude. I admit, I could have handled things differently, but I did what I had to do back then.

LeRoy and I ended up getting married in June of 1989. Big ole' church wedding in the Luthern Church (his) and my grandparents from both sides attending. My uncle walked me down the aisle and my aunt made my dress. It was one of the most beautiful days in my life.

In February of 1990 I found out I was pregnant w/my first child. LeRoy and I had just bought a house, he was going to school to become and accountant and now the baby just made life complete. I tried to put my past behind me and build a new life.

10 days after the doctor confirmed my pregnancy, LeRoy was killed in a car crash at the hands of a drunk driver. I was devastated. Completely devastated. I loved him so very much...20, pregnant and widowed. Of course, the vultures that the jws are, this was "oppertune time" to get a hold of me. I remember mother saying "wouldn't you love to see him again? Remember God's promise of a resurrection".

By the grace of God I was strong and told her to get the hell away from me. I wouldn't allow her to come to the funeral. In fact, my family (non-jws) sat w/me and she wanted to come and see me. I made her come and walk thru the room where all my support was sitting. She had to talk to me in private...that was when she tried to preach and "offer her love and support".

We buried LeRoy March 12 and November 11 our daughter, Andrea, was born. What a blessing........

Okay, definately another breather needed. Will continue later......

~Christy

You know when healing's occurred when you can remember when you want to and forget when you choose.-Bessel van der Kolk

47

finally got my thoughts gathered to share......

by scootergirl in

i am relatively new to the board and have to say have never had such a heartwarming welcome from so many people!

it feels so comforting to make new friends that "understand" where i have come from.. i have read many many stories, and have sat back in awe....wow, what stories.

mine is quite simple, but none-the-less my story.

scootergirl

Okay......I took a breather! LOL......guess I got overwhelmed.....

Things were bad in our home w/my mom and I's relationship. Without going into details, I wasn't a perfect angel.....but was a normal teenager looking back now.

I graduated from high school with Honors and was also engaged to a brother w/in our congregation. Thank goodness I didn't go thru w/the wedding! After breaking off the engagement, I decided to "move to where the need was great" and continue in Regular Pioneer service.

I moved to a city about 100 miles away. I was pioneering during the day and waitressing at night. While working I met the most fantastic man...instant attraction! Although I knew the "rules" about dating "worldly" men, I secretly went out on a date w/Leroy. He was the perfect gentleman and I had such a wonderful time. I was very vague about my faith to him....I was so torn. I really liked this man but I knew it was a no-no.

I remember calling my mother up and asking her about dating...I can't remember the exacts of our conversation but she found out about Leroy. She convinced me to move back home for awhile to "clear my mind". By this time, I confessed to LeRoy about me being a JW and the stand that they take against dating outside the org. I left w/out telling him how to reach me.......

Back at my parents house I was continually preached to...if not by elders, by those in the congregation "warning" me about such thinking. I was never left alone.....continually preached to.

Then it happened.......

My dad (who is the most kindest and gentlest man around)an elder and I were talking one night and I confessed to comitting immorality w/LeRoy. I was informed that I was to have a judicial committee in a few days and I remember my dad hugging me and telling me that it would be okay and that he would be there for me. He had a run to take and would be home in time. Not to worry but that I had to tell mom...

Mom......the word still makes me shudder at times. She was not happy when I told her. In fact, she went off the deep end. LeRoy had called that night (how he found out where I was I will never have any idea) and in a fit of rage, mom struck me to the ground. Leroy heard all this on the phone but had no idea where I was or how to help. My brother, who was 13 at the time, came upstairs and tried to get her away from me. My sister, who was 8, was in a bedroom and I believe that she heard everything. My mother told me to take what I could carry and the next morning dropped me off at the bus station. I had no money, I had no where to go. She told me that she would make it so that I wouldn't ever talk to anyone in the family again nor the friends at the Hall. She even had the nerve to ask that I sit in the back so that non of her friends would see me. This all happened while my dad was at work.

Time for another "breather".....

~Christy

You know when healing's occurred when you can remember when you want to and forget when you choose.-Bessel van der Kolk