Good Morning Everyone,
I'm very new on here--just "born yesterday", as a matter of fact, but am finding out how wonderful it is to be able to be free to express thoughts and opinions, share ideas, give comfort, and find hope, within "these walls".
I'm going to ask a question, and that is, how long did it take any of you souls out there to find your true self, after leaving JW's?
I was very young when I was first introduced to the studies of JW's. We were a family of five, and I was the oldest. My brother had just been born. A year later at age 14, I got baptized in a NY river along with my mom, and thousands of other people. (I thought they would surely drown me, as I remember vividly, that we had to be totally submursed under the cold water--backwards!) Since I'd had an unfortunate experience when a little girl, with some old kids throwing me into deep water, I nearly had a panic attack, but survived.That was in 1960.
I studied and applied myself, went door to door, was the perfect little specimen. But, after I got baptized, it seemed that things drastically changed for me, and I noticed it immediately. I couldn't ask any more deep questions. I have a naturally inquiring and inquisitive nature, and this really stumbled me. The reason they gave was because I could find all the answers I needed within the WT literature, and if it wasn't there, then it wasn't meant for me to know. I was also having other experiences that didn't fit into being a JW. I was told these were all from the devil, and that I must be doing some bad thing, and find out what it was, so it would go away. And, if I continued to pursue certain issues, then I would be labeled apostate. How horrible. Whoooaaahh. By the time I reached High School, I had applied myself diligently, and was a stand out to everyone, as there were only three JW's in the whole senior class of over 500. I kept trying to explain myself and my religion, and sometimes, the answers I gave just didn't settle right with me. Even at that, I still felt I had no choices. I began pioneering, and it last just over a year. They were so much more concerned with tallies and numbers, and I saw the inconsistencies even more.
Still, I thought that this religion that my mom found had given us a place of refruge from our dysfunctional family issues, and they provided us with transportation to get to and from meetings, assemblies and conventions. Most of the individuals seemed really sincere. I had formed friendships, and had seen first hand the cost of "leaving the organization"--families split apart, parents from children, spouse from spouse. There was always some unhappy incident, and we were told we couldn't speak to these individuals again, until they repented, changed their course, and were accepted back in. This happened in my own family with my sibblings several times, and then finally with myself in '68. My mom and I had formed a closeness since I was a child, but I never realized how controlling she was, until I got older. When the JW's began to controll me as well, it was just too much. I tried so many times to discuss my issues with my mom or an Elder here and there, only to be told that "as a woman, I was overstepping my bounds"....that I should "just be content with the organization is dispensing", and STOP ASKING QUESTIONS. The label Apostate came up yet again. That scarred me.
Living in so much disallusionment, being stiffled at every turn, made me into a lonely shell of a human being. Yet, I was still living within the bounds of my own family, and still a virgin at 21. Then, it happened. I met an outsider. An absolute no no. My mother freaked. She had been accusing me of things ever since my sister had done the deed and was out, now she wouldn't let up. Even when I tried to tell her that my experiences with so-called "brothers" ended up in a sexual wrestling match, she wouldn't listen. When I was forced to attend my prom with a JW, very nice, but whom I instinctively knew was homosexual, that really did something to me. I began to rebell slowly, but all in all it was a matter of just trying to free myself from being strangled by an organization that controled my every move. I just wanted to find me.
In my attempt to find me, of course, I tested the waters of life, and engaged in dating a non-believer. And, in the course of natural events, having fallin deeply in love, as my mother said: "you've ruined yourself, and now no decent brother will ever want you." I was haunted by those words. I immediately confessed my first incident with the Elderes, upon which they promptly decided to DF me. When they cast me out, then my mother, who controlled the girls in the family, cast me out as well. Out into that scarry world, cut off from family and friends that I had made since I was 13. I didn't even have a relationship with my relatives that was close anymore. My mother had efectively cut the ties there as well. I was floundering and lost. Ended up marrying this fellow and having a son.
Problem was, and I really didn't mean to get so l o n g here right now, is that I really didn't have a clue "who I was", "what I wanted", "where I was headed". I felt totally sinful, lost and unloved. I kept trying to keep from flipping out mentally, and I just basically rode the waves of life, day by day. I certainly wasn't living my life normally.
I was still very much borg, even though they had removed some of the "safety features" for me. I felt like I didn't belong anywhere, because I still felt that I had to get back in for my life to be saved at armegeddon. Now it was just my own self to consider, but the love of my life, and my new baby. There was a big weight on my shoulder, and I carried that weight--not very well. So I groveled and pleaded and did all the necessary steps to get back in. I was too unsure of myself, too ill-equiped to survive out in "the world run by Satan".I needed my family's love and acceptance. I didn't want to die at armegeddon. I had a son to think about.
It didn't take long after I got back in to begin to feel like "I was strapped and tied up again", unable to be myself, so I put on an act. I attended meeting here and there, managed to continue on the Ministry School for awhile longer, and then gradually, over a decade, slipped quietly away. No one really even noticed, except my dear mom, who was "on my back" every single day, trying to be my conscience.
Now that I look back on those days, I wonder how I survived emotionally. Of course we are all from different backgrounds, and our upbringing is differently. We are shaped and molded by our surroundings, many times before JW's even appear. But the hold they had on me in those days is mindbending to me right now as I reflect on the great intimidation I lived under. It affected every aspect of my being.
It has taken me nearly a lifetime to get to this place I am now. Through much pain, self anaylisis, emotional breakdowns, stress, health issues. But, I was sure of one thing, even then, that the truth really was out there, and it had nothing to do with JW's, and little to do with the Bible. It had to do with the Soul's journey and the lessons it has to learn. So when I decided to get off the merry-go-round in 1981, it was an absolute, clean cut. I knew the cost, and paid the price. But, I have never once regretted my decision. I didn't realize, however, how it would affect my husband, who spiraled even more out of control, and took his own life. That threw me into total guilt and despair for many years.
I feel like a whole human being at last, having had an epiphany in late '01, after two years of intense self-evaluation. I had remarried in '85, and raised three step-sons. I had approached menopause, and still I felt lost. With two step granddaughters, I knew I still had lots of work to do inside myself. It was painful to open it all up again, but when I did, I finally "let go of control". The experience changed my whole life, and yet=nothing has really changed at all. It is an awareness of my soul's journey, and the place I hold in the universe, and the great spiritual journey that I have been on all my life. The biggest thing is that I finally learned to love myself, and that I am worthy of that love.
I'd love to hear your experiences and to share information about the journeys of our souls. How many of you are into another faith/religion, or how many have found the truth through spirituallity alone.
Love and Light to all of you dear people,
Sentinel