Hi truthseeker1,
I went back and read your story to get some background. I can relate to your situation, as can many others here who love their mates but cannot agree on matters of religion. I was a true believer for over 30 years and my father and mother and their parents before them. I can assure you that what you are reading about in Crisis of Conscience, and then in it's sequel In Search of Christian Freedom, really happened. You must be careful about stereo-typing Ex-JW's. There is no common characteristic or group mentality among the many thousands of people who were once active JW's but are no longer. You will get some responses (in fact you already have) that are confrontational and you will get some that are "upbuilding" and that just "look good". (Remember that thread?) If it isn't evident to you yet, it will be soon that JW's prefer the non-confrontational "feel good" "upbuilding" type of conversation. Please understand that it is only a fantasy. You have not had enough experience to know what the organization is really like. You are only at the surface where things are carefully orchestrated to evoke a positve public opinion.
You may be tempted to think I am trying to fool you and am deliberatly talking with smooth words to trick you. If you are a true believer I would not expect you to think otherwise. But from your shared experiences I don't think you are yet a true believer. You still want to think for yourself and make up your own mind. To that end I would suggest that you continue to read and think before you decide to do anything. You want to do it fast but this is so complicated that it just cannot be done fast. The only way it can be done fast is for you to make one of two decisions. Either decide to not take a chance on losing your wife and do what you are told and believe what you are told to believe, or risk losing her by declaring you are no longer a JW and will no longer be told what to believe by anyone. Both of those choices will be painful but the first one will probably be a delayed pain that you will feel much later in life.
From what I can tell from reading your comments you are not the type of person who can just go along, toe the line, and let everyone think you are a believer when you are not. If you choose that road it will likely end up making you a bitter old man. If you were that personality type it is possible to just go along and play the part of the "weak" inactive husband and have a reasonably happy marriage. But if you ever want to express yourself and have real heart to heart discussions with your friends on biblical themes or religious topics you can forget it. It's not going to happen. The only chance for you to be able to express your own opinions and ideas on matters of doctrine and biblical themes is for you to become a butt-kissing yes-man and be promoted to a position of authority in your circuit. The witnesses do not tell you this when they study with you. There is no middle ground. You must turn yourself into a true believer and fully throw yourself into the proselytizing work or get out. Anything less and you will always be considered weak and no one will discuss anything "deep" with you or give any consideration to your own ideas on subjects relating to your own faith. At best they will tolerate you and keep you at arms length. But if you get too insistant on talking with people about JW doctrine and biblical theology they will shut you up. You will either comply and clam up or be forcibly removed, through official channels.
Now, it's possible that you live in an area where there is more tolerance. But don't expect that because you love Jehovah and are convinced that he is directing your path that you will be exempt from harsh treatment. The organization is run like a machine and there is very little "convincing" or "reasoning" with your superiors. That convincing and reasoning is for non-believers only. Now that you are baptized you will be responsible to follow directions. If at any time in the future you feel like objecting to the policy of your organization you can expect to be harshly confronted. Your choices will be limited to remaining silent or changing your mind and teaching the party line. No alternatives, no compromises, are considered. If you confront your father-in-law as to whether this is true he will probaly say something like this: "you are allowed to question the Society and can even approach the GB by letter directly. There are differences of opinion among the brothers all the time and they are allowed. You should be in some of our meetings and hear how heated we get sometimes. No one is disfellowhipped for doubts or questions. This guy you are messaging with is just a disgruntled fellow who obviously didn't get the answer he wanted to hear so now he's upset with the organization. He just allowed himself to be stumbled. Don't let that slow you down. I promise you, Jehovah knows what's in the hearts of all men and will see to it that things are done right." Or, something like that. It's a sad truth that all true believers will say or do anything to protect their organization. What you have to decide is whether or not you will believe the "upbuilding" talk of your JW associates or whether you will believe the heart wrenching and often distasteful stories of those who have been where you are trying to go. Why would you want to risk your entire youth on a fantasy? You have the opportunity to direct your life in the way you want to right in front of you, right now. Unlike so many of us, you still have your youth. Many of us didn't know half of what you know about the Society until we were well beyond middle age. Believe me, it's harder to face these things when you are 50 than it is at 25.
Don't go too fast. You've got a little time to see if your wife really loves you because you are you, or because you are her faithful believing husband. Give her the benefit of the doubt and just let her work out her feelings for awhile. Maybe she will agree to look at your religion objectively and join with you in a mutual decision either for or against it. It's almost certain that at this time she is scared to death that you are falling out of the truth and that you will die soon at Armegeddon. Her chance of eternal happiness with you is clouded and uncertain. She needs to sort it out. She may decide to stick by you no matter what. But you must be ready to risk losing her if you decide to no longer be a JW. That is hard to take but that is the reality of the situation. If you feel you cannot swallow the JW doctrines and take up their cause 100% you may lose your wife anyway, depending on her own personal beliefs of what that will mean for her future. Better to find out now where she stands. But do it slowly. Read, think and keep your mouth shut for awhile. Be a good husband, a real good husband. Give her space and don't belittle her beliefs. Keep your doubts and your knowledge to yourself. Drop hints now and then to see how she responds. Try to determine if she has been working out the issues in her own mind and whether she may be ready to receive another question or two without resorting to calling you Satanic or apostate. You may want to set a certain time frame for yourself and be patient. If after attempting to win her unconditional love in your time period you feel she will never come around than it is time for more decision making on your part. Some decide to just remain the unbelieving or inactive husband. Others decide to move on and start over. That's your decision to make. Or, you may decide to forget about this decision making and thinking stuff and just go back to being a full-fledged Bible thumping JW.
Whatever you decide, I know it is not easy. It is scary and you go from confident one day to an emotional wreck and weakling the next. I feel for you. I really do. I would not wish this on anyone, having lived it myself.
Sean
