My fiancé is an ex-jehovah’s witness. When he was 18 years old, his 17 year old brother
was killed in an accident. His parents
having previously lost an infant daughter were understandably distraught and
were therefore highly susceptible to an organisation which seemed to be able to
supply definitive answers where more mainstream religion seemed to fail them.
My fiancé (and his remaining sister), with some pressure
from his parents went on also to study with the witnesses and to be
baptised. As a very good looking, tall, athletic
young man, he was a source of interest for many young women in the congregation
and it was not long he married the daughter of an elder, a woman who had been
born into a witness family. My fiancé believed
himself to be happily married, doing all the right witness things. They had a child together and had
been married for seven years when his wife suddenly left my fiancé for another
(non-witness) man.
My fiancé now realises that this was the time he should have
left the organisation, but feeling pressure from family and friends, having
been the “good” wronged party and having won custody of his child, he set about
looking for another suitable wife from the congregation. He therefore married his second wife, a woman
who had converted at some point in her early adult life. Sadly for my fiancé, he really chose completely
the wrong woman, but of course his choice at that time was limited only to
witness women. She was never the loving,
nurturing wife that he needed. She was a
poor substitute mother for his child (the child’s real mother having completely
exited from their lives of her own accord).
She was selfish and dominating. Despite many adversities and setbacks my
fiancé persisted with the marriage, and fathered another child with his second
wife. A constant source of frustration
for him was lack of intimacy of all kinds, especially sexual intimacy.
In 1995, when watchtower released its revised teaching on the
generation, my fiancé decided that enough was enough and he faded away from the
witnesses, having come the conclusion that they did not have the truth,
otherwise they would not have had to revise this doctrine. His second wife agreed with him and faded
too.
During this time, my fiancé built a successful business and
he and his second wife enjoyed the fruits of this success. Later, the business was sold and a lot of
money was subsequently lost in a less successful business venture. Despite wishing to remain married, the second
wife did very little to support my fiancé through some very difficult times. The difficult times also sent her back to the
witnesses. My fiancé moved into a
separate bedroom and remained in the marital home only until his younger child
was independent enough for him to move on.
Ten years later (or so) we met. My fiancé had been involved in a number of
relationships in this time, but had always promised his (now ex) second wife
that he would let her know when she was able to obtain a scriptural
divorce. He always knew that coming
clean risked his relationship with his now elderly parents, his sister and her
family and his second child (who unfortunately is now a baptised witness). It was therefore not until we were certain of our future together that he told his parents and later his ex wife. He did think that he might have got away with
it, as when our relationship was made known to his parents and his sister and
her family, the circuit overseer told them that as it had been 20 years since
my fiancé had been involved, their continued relationship with him was a matter
for their own conscience and they decided that they could continue to have
contact. I was fortunate to meet his
mother, father, sister, brother-in-law and nephew. However, in another congregation, his ex-wife
(probably vindictively) sought her scriptural divorce and the result is that
recently my fiancé was disfellowshipped.
This has now led to the catastrophic severing of relationship with his
parents and sister.
I am so angry. His
elderly parents, who initially sought comfort and answers for the loss of two
children, who have faithfully (if in my opinion mis-guidedly) served this organisation for so
many years are now prevented from having any contact with one of their two
remaining children. His mother (who is a
beautiful and completely selfless woman) only wanted the best for him, for him
to find a woman who is kind and caring (which I certainly try to be), even
though she knew that this might be the outcome.
They think they are doing the right thing.
I was hoping that I might be able to be a
liaison between my fiancé’s mother and my fiancé, but having spoken to his
mother this morning, I am not sure how welcome that will be. She said that I might be able to call her every
six months or so and that it is all scripturally based. I do think there’s a possibility of his
mother becoming less strict after his father dies. In the meantime, it is so
frustrating and I am seeking some assistance and suggestions with where I might
be able to go from here, to try to keep some channels of communication open. What should we do?
