Posts by Minerva

20

Disassociation experiences please

by UnshackleTheChains in

hi everyone.. i would love to collate the experiences of those who decided to disassociate.

the reason i am asking this question is that i have been in turmoil for a very long time as to whether i remain a fader or whether to bring closure on my membership with the watchtower organisation.. it is for this reason i would like to read about some of the experiences of those on this forum who went down the route of disassociation.

if could answer the following.

Minerva

How long did it take you to decide to disassociate?

I had serious doubts for a long time but it was after I had a child and realized that I couldn't raise her in the religion the way I was. I didn't formally write a letter. I just stopped going to meetings and as I became more able, I was more vocal about not wanting to be a Witness.

How has this impacted on you?

I had a lot of conflict about it. I'm a 3rd gen on my mom's side and a 4th gen on my dad's side. So, all of my immediate and extended family were attached to it in some way. My husband is still an active member. It's been hard on my marriage, and I did a lot of therapy in order to have the support to work through my fears and anxieties. Now, though - some 15 years or so later? No anxiety or depression meds, and I'm very comfortable living my own truth.

Has your mental health in any way been affected since you disassociated? Eg if being shunned by family.

As mentioned above, at first I dealt with a lot of depression and anxiety until I was able to de-program that inner critic constantly condemning me for the decisions I'd made. It took awhile for me to verbalize my feelings about leaving to my mom and she definitely pulled away from me for a long time. My step-dad pretty much cut me off. I was living in a different state from my other relatives, so the distance made it easier to move on.

Do any of your current JW relatives associate with you? And if so to what degree?

My mom is getting up in years and will associate with me -- I think she sees it as my duty to be there for her and she has to allow that. I think because I didn't formally write a letter, I'm not "officially" (in her eyes) disfellowshipped or disassociated. It's all semantics but the formality (or lack thereof) of my leaving has allowed the door to remain open.

Do you feel your life is better now that you are completely free of the watchtower?

Yes. Even though my husband is still active, we've come to a place where he doesn't discuss the congregation or issues around the religion, and I don't ask. Religion is not a subject we engage in discussion about much. I went to college in 2006, completed a BA, then an MA, and am working on a PhD now. I feel like I'm living my authentic self now and, even if he doesn't think I'm right in leaving the religion, he can see I'm more happy and satisfied with my life now.

Do you ever get panic attacks about Armageddon or that you left "the truth"?

I did at first but when I went through the major depressive episode that led to being in therapy and working through my "stuff" - much of which was my feelings about the organization and not wanting to be in it anymore - those panic attacks dissipated. I don't believe that Armageddon is "around the corner" and I refuse to live my life in a constant state of fear. So, the panic attacks went away too. It took a long time to let go of the fear that being a JW asserts into your life. That kind of fearful anxiety is not normal.

18

Navigating the "real world"

by Minerva in

although i haven't called myself a witness in almost 15 years, i'm still married to one (which has it's own set of challenges and is fodder for a completely different post).

i haven't spent a lot of time on forums with other ex-jws either, but thought i would throw this question out to you all because it's something i still struggle with.... particularly for those of you who were raised in or were in the religion for many years - what has it been like for you to navigate the work world?

i would be a 3rd generation jw on one side of my family and a 4th generation on the other side -- the hardest thing for me has been just knowing how to act and behave, especially among co-workers.

Minerva

Giordano:

Do you invite fellow workers to your home for dinner or drinks or do you keep your acquaintances separate out of habit or convenience or respect for your husbands beliefs and preferences?

We don't invite people over to our house much at all. His friends are all Witnesses and he doesn't feel comfortable with that; and I haven't really thought about inviting my friends/acquaintances out to our place. He has gone with me to other people's homes and to social events that are attached to work. I think he would be okay with me having folks over, so maybe I just need to consider that. I work with about 8 other people in my office, and he's met them all.

I do like your idea about volunteering. That's something I have felt drawn to do but have not yet found the place/occasion/situation to get involved in. Recently, I agreed to be the faculty adviser for a new student group at the college for nontraditional students. It has felt good to give back to them -- there isn't a lot of support for older students at the university I work at. But, I will have to be on the lookout for other opportunities. That's good advice!

You may be a women 'under the influence' not of the religion but your mate. That may be part of the deal you both made to keep your marriage together. Being an exJW mate is a difficult road to walk.

There has been times when being 'under the influence' may have been true, but my husband is really not overbearing compared to how other men can be. Before he stepped down as an elder -- yes, there was a lot of pressure on me to fit the mold -- but he hasn't been an elder for at least 10 years (there were a few years, in the beginning when I was just becoming inactive, that he was still an elder).

I am sensitive to his feelings about things -- probably to the detriment of my own -- and truth be told, I am the one who tries hard not to rock the boat, which does feel stifling at times, in terms of just "being" myself. That's something for me to meditate on a bit more. Being an exJW mate is DEFINITELY a difficult road to walk, and I'm not sure I'd recommend it to anyone else lightly.

18

Navigating the "real world"

by Minerva in

although i haven't called myself a witness in almost 15 years, i'm still married to one (which has it's own set of challenges and is fodder for a completely different post).

i haven't spent a lot of time on forums with other ex-jws either, but thought i would throw this question out to you all because it's something i still struggle with.... particularly for those of you who were raised in or were in the religion for many years - what has it been like for you to navigate the work world?

i would be a 3rd generation jw on one side of my family and a 4th generation on the other side -- the hardest thing for me has been just knowing how to act and behave, especially among co-workers.

Minerva

millie210: I think you're right -- the older I get, the less worried I am about what people think about me. Authenticity is important to me -- without it I would still be trying to live up to an ideal of perfection that was killing me when I was a JW. But, I still find myself trying to find my balance in life, in work, in everything. (And, it is lovely to meet you as well!)

Xanthippe: I have been lurking around Meetup.com too. I haven't found exactly the right group to join but I'm on the lookout! What you say about co-workers and their extended families and college friends: I totally hear you. Even though I do have the college thing under my belt now, I was a nontraditionally aged student when I went, so I didn't make a ton of friends. There are a few folks that I connected with and we keep in touch, but several moved to other states after graduation; and those that are still around here, well, they are so much younger than me -- especially from my graduate (Master's) program, where I probably made the closest friends. They are all just starting their families. My daughter is almost 21. I do know a lot of people who are part of bookclubs, so that is a good avenue for me to pursue at some point. Currently, I work full-time, and I'm also working on my doctorate in Adult & Higher Education. (Yeah, I know, that's a lot of schooling -- but the university pays the tuition, and I only have to pay for books and fees which is quite affordable. My undergraduate loans are what are going to me the rest of my lifetime to pay off.) So, I take a couple of graduate courses every semester which means little time for outside reading; the downside to a book club.

steve2: My experience with alcohol isn't entirely formed my growing up a JW, not in the sense you mentioned in your experience. My dad was DF'd when I was 9 and left our family -- he was an alcoholic (and I later learned he was also a drug addict but I never saw that part of things). He died when I was 12 of alcohol poisoning. I think that experience is what left a huge impression on me. I just don't see the point of drinking until you're hammered and, even though, my co-workers rarely get drunk, everyone else around us tends to -- I just don't have a lot of positive experiences dealing with drunk people -- my dad did my head in on that one. So, yeah, I'm usually the designated driver by choice, but, again, it still makes me the outsider in a lot of ways.

18

Navigating the "real world"

by Minerva in

although i haven't called myself a witness in almost 15 years, i'm still married to one (which has it's own set of challenges and is fodder for a completely different post).

i haven't spent a lot of time on forums with other ex-jws either, but thought i would throw this question out to you all because it's something i still struggle with.... particularly for those of you who were raised in or were in the religion for many years - what has it been like for you to navigate the work world?

i would be a 3rd generation jw on one side of my family and a 4th generation on the other side -- the hardest thing for me has been just knowing how to act and behave, especially among co-workers.

Minerva

Thanks for the responses, folks! I think newboy's comment about being "plagued with the 'wiring'" makes a lot of sense. It did take years to move beyond the fear of "being bad" or "worse than the world" and "not living through Armageddon to the Paradise Earth". It takes a lot of introspection to de-program. It seems to be just as challenging to re-program with new "wiring".

As an aside, as I write this, I'm struck by how much we all acknowledge the lingo of "the truth" -- it's like a different language (well, a cult language at least). Nice to be in a place where I don't have to explain it all.

18

Navigating the "real world"

by Minerva in

although i haven't called myself a witness in almost 15 years, i'm still married to one (which has it's own set of challenges and is fodder for a completely different post).

i haven't spent a lot of time on forums with other ex-jws either, but thought i would throw this question out to you all because it's something i still struggle with.... particularly for those of you who were raised in or were in the religion for many years - what has it been like for you to navigate the work world?

i would be a 3rd generation jw on one side of my family and a 4th generation on the other side -- the hardest thing for me has been just knowing how to act and behave, especially among co-workers.

Minerva

smiddy,

I wonder if you fall into the catergory of one who has left the "truth" however the "truth" has never left you .
I`m thinking this may be the case because of hubby still being an active JW and your still being subjected to watchtower dogma through him. And of course influences from other "in" JW relatives.?
Have you really proved to yourself that the JW religion is no more "true" than any other man made religion ?

No, I think I've done enough soul searching to know that the JW religion is "no more 'true' than any other man made religion". My own religious/spiritual leanings tend toward a mix of secular humanism and pantheistic thought.

My husband doesn't actually talk to me about the religion much. It's part of our mutual decision to remain in our marriage -- I don't criticize the organization (well not much anyway) and he doesn't preach at me, or bug me about attending meetings or anything else. When I made the decision to go to college, he wasn't exactly on board, but he came around after a while and he doesn't try to control me or my "worldly" friends or anything like that. My mom can be a bit preachy at times but she's not condemning either.

I wonder, maybe, if I just didn't gain the skill set to interact with people outside of my primary group. Growing up, my association was primarily my extended family and the congregation. I was in my late 20s to early 30s when I stepped away physically and vocally from the religion. I just feel like I'm still trying to acquire a skillset that most people already "get," and I'm not sure it's entirely the fault of growing up as a JW, but that experience sure hasn't helped.

18

Navigating the "real world"

by Minerva in

although i haven't called myself a witness in almost 15 years, i'm still married to one (which has it's own set of challenges and is fodder for a completely different post).

i haven't spent a lot of time on forums with other ex-jws either, but thought i would throw this question out to you all because it's something i still struggle with.... particularly for those of you who were raised in or were in the religion for many years - what has it been like for you to navigate the work world?

i would be a 3rd generation jw on one side of my family and a 4th generation on the other side -- the hardest thing for me has been just knowing how to act and behave, especially among co-workers.

Minerva

I guess I would need you to define what normal is or what abnormal is in your situation.

Hmmm...how to explain...for instance - a group in the office wants to go out for drinks. I'm cool with that, but I still am not much of a drinker, so I'm not much of a social drinker either. And, maybe part of it is I am an introvert and the whole social thing is challenging anyways -- the small talk and the hanging out -- that the part of things that is challenging for me. Same thing with the Holidays. My husband's a JW, so I don't really observe anything; and frankly, it isn't all that important to me to observe Christmas, or Easter, or whatever. But, I know it's important for my co-workers, so I go along with the Holiday party thing, contribute food, bring a gift, etc. But, I always feel like I'm just trying to fit in because, ultimately, I can take it or leave it. Sometimes I feel as inauthentic with my co-workers as I did with my former JW friends.

18

Navigating the "real world"

by Minerva in

although i haven't called myself a witness in almost 15 years, i'm still married to one (which has it's own set of challenges and is fodder for a completely different post).

i haven't spent a lot of time on forums with other ex-jws either, but thought i would throw this question out to you all because it's something i still struggle with.... particularly for those of you who were raised in or were in the religion for many years - what has it been like for you to navigate the work world?

i would be a 3rd generation jw on one side of my family and a 4th generation on the other side -- the hardest thing for me has been just knowing how to act and behave, especially among co-workers.

Minerva

Thanks, berrygerry. I have had tons of therapy over the years, but I haven't read that book. I'll check it out.

18

Navigating the "real world"

by Minerva in

although i haven't called myself a witness in almost 15 years, i'm still married to one (which has it's own set of challenges and is fodder for a completely different post).

i haven't spent a lot of time on forums with other ex-jws either, but thought i would throw this question out to you all because it's something i still struggle with.... particularly for those of you who were raised in or were in the religion for many years - what has it been like for you to navigate the work world?

i would be a 3rd generation jw on one side of my family and a 4th generation on the other side -- the hardest thing for me has been just knowing how to act and behave, especially among co-workers.

Minerva

Although I haven't called myself a witness in almost 15 years, I'm still married to one (which has it's own set of challenges and is fodder for a completely different post). I haven't spent a lot of time on forums with other ex-JWs either, but thought I would throw this question out to you all because it's something I still struggle with...

Particularly for those of you who were raised in or were in the religion for many years - What has it been like for you to navigate the work world? I would be a 3rd generation JW on one side of my family and a 4th generation on the other side -- the hardest thing for me has been just knowing how to act and behave, especially among co-workers. I know that's weird, given how long I've been out now, but I was a stay-at-home mom/wife for a long time and decided to go to college in 2006, completed a Bachelors in 2011, and a Master's in 2013. I currently work at a university -- talk about being the antithesis of everything I was taught to be growing up -- but I still seem to have a hard time feeling "normal" in the work world.

Any thoughts?

41

That One Defining Moment That Changed Your Life.

by new boy in

it seems that many times in life there is a moment or an action that changes your whole world.

it could be just a look that someone gives you.. many times it can be something rather small.

something hardly noticeable by anyone but you.

Minerva

For me it was a gradual realization...

When my daughter was getting ready to go to pre-school, I realized how angry I still was at not being allowed to do anything I excelled out (sports or academically) during my lifetime, and I wasn't going to do that to her (nor was I going to force her to place literature with her teachers and everyone else).
I tried to research the "creation book" and found other sources that didn't agree with the book's interpretation of carbon dating. Evolution made more sense.
I read Mankind's Search for God and came to the conclusion that Taoism made more sense to me than the "garden path" argument for JWs -- they never did use that book for Book Study did they?
A really major depression that took several years, lots of therapy, and the realization that dying at Armageddon couldn't be any worse than what I was already experiencing, and that going to the KH was a core reason I was experiencing panic and anxiety attacks.

I "faded" away, became inactive, told my family this is how I felt and came the realization that one of my core values was "live and let live". They can all be JWs all they want, but I expect to be respected as the intelligent human being that I am, who is capable and has the right to think, feel, and believe however I want to.