Mary,
You have outshined yourself with this topic!
I usually like to pull out a pertinent thought from larger opening posts....but as I read through this one I realized that each paragraph so truly resonated with my own experiences and observations of this hideous cult's hold on me for 30 years.
I have sat here over the nine years since I broke free and walked away, and wondered just what WAS IT that held my entire being so tenaciously and what it WAS that had me clinging to such total hogwash for three decades? My family had fallen apart by bits and pices as ones came into the WTS and then exited....my nonJW parents disowned me when I "actually went and did it" and became baptized into the "only pure religion on earth today"....and my only sibling, a sister.....had followed suit to appease my parents....and had disowned me as well. (She contacted me from CT in 2005 after both our parents died.....we reunited....she spent a few days with me up here in my home....and we are very close...proving that LOVE CAN win out over all obstacles in the end)
But back to the past.....I clung even closer new family (lovebombing works...but fades quickly)....and while living through the utter embarrassment of 1975, telling every nonJW within the sound of my voice: friends, relatives, neighbors, the bread delivery man, the milk man, the Avon lady, etc....I WAS the consummate and fully devoted WTS follower and bent everyone's ear with the wonderful "New System" (tm) that was going to be here in 1975 because this was about ALL that dominated my thoughts and conversations the closer it got. The JWs where I was living then...were so focused on this event as we heard talks "from the platform" (tm) on this, talks given during the "Serve-US" meetings, talked about it in car groups out in field circus, and excitedly chatted about it at one another's homes. NOW we hear----UH-UH....nope...the WTS never said that......WE were mistaken and WE read too much into what wew THOUGHT we heard.
I was loyal and devoted and "progressed with the organization" which meant I pulled the blinders on even tighter and swallowed my wounded pride...continuing ON with serving the WTS trying to gain new recruits for them... until getting a computer in 1998. I joined the old discussion board, H2O, and began to engage in conversations (or so I thought :O) with my fellow WTS defenders.....only to discover that the folks there were NOT advocates of the WTS but had legitimates beefs with MANY of its aspects, doctrines and very questionable history of unchristian behavior and sleazy tactics that I had no clue about at all.
It was a year and three months from the date that I joined H2O...to when I wrote a letter to the WTS HQs, the CO and the PO to let them know how disappointed I was in "the only true religion" (tm)...and the reasons that I could no longer, in good conscience....(the bible-trained conscience they wanted me to develop... mind you) could I want to be or have any part of this organization for another moment....
And I have never been happier, despite the rough patches of dealing with the very cruel, purposely hurtful and hatefilled shunning of thirty years-worth of friends and relatives that had been sucked into the cult. I am still being punished for finding out "my religion lied to me" and for honestly "examining my religion" to "make sure of ALL THINGS I was hearing".....applying ALL the wise counsel and the advice I had heard over my 30-year stint in the WTS army (through all their little catch phrases)....they turn like angry and snarling wolves when one of their own actually AWAKE!S up and puts the "slave's" own advice to good use!
I have yet to find the answer as to why I was SO gullible....and for SO LONG.... and what it actually was that my brain somehow refused to SEE for all those years?
I am sure I am not alone in this.
hugs,
Older and finally wiser..... Annie