Posts by SYN

7

What If The Bible Were Reviewed In A Modern Day Magazine?

by SYN in

?the bible ?

is quite a publishing phenomenon.

its initial release was during the reign of king james, a noted historical figure who would not be allowed into most western homes today, as he was known for not taking baths more than once a month.

SYN

Abaddon, LOL, loved the Iron Age Paradigms thing!

7

What If The Bible Were Reviewed In A Modern Day Magazine?

by SYN in

?the bible ?

is quite a publishing phenomenon.

its initial release was during the reign of king james, a noted historical figure who would not be allowed into most western homes today, as he was known for not taking baths more than once a month.

?The Bible ? The King James Version? is quite a publishing phenomenon. Its initial release was during the reign of King James, a noted historical figure who would not be allowed into most Western homes today, as he was known for not taking baths more than once a month. To date, more copies of this book have been published and given to young kids by well-meaning grandparents than any other book in the world ? the Bible ranks right up there with the Q?uran as one of the biggest-selling books of all time.

The Times attempted an interview with one of the manifold authors of this vast historic work, but they did not return our phone calls. Further inquiries revealed that they are in fact dead, which is a sad thing, considering how much cold green cash they could?ve made from syndicated sales.

We?re not quite sure what genre the Bible fits into. Here are some pros and cons for each category ? let the reader use discernment and decide for themselves:

· Science Fiction?

o Pro: Many chapters deal with fiery objects in the sky, supernatural creatures, reincarnation, and other staples of science fiction.

o Pro: Prominent Philip K. Dick-worthy ?God? figure makes many appearances in the text, as well as a host of other supernatural entities who want to control human activities.

o Con: Distinctly ignorant viewpoints on many topics, such as the Flood, Earth?s creation, etc.

· Fantasy?

o Pro: Tolkien-esque length and density of prose ? and as an additional bonus, the entire book was written in an ancient language that nobody speaks anymore.

o Pro: Dragons are mentioned at least once, as well as many other interesting fantasy creatures.

o Pro: Massive battle scenes, reminiscent of The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King.

· Mills & Boone Erotic Fiction/Bodice Ripper?

o Pro: Lots of exciting garment-ripping done by men, especially towards the beginning.

o Con: Only one of the books was written by a woman.

o Con: Vast battles are depicted where women are divided out equally amongst the winners afterwards, a definite no-no in any Mills & Boone book.

o Con: Lack of highly-tanned, long-haired, masculine men wearing tight jeans and promising eternal love.

o Con: No mention at all of any man?s pectoral muscles, another staple of Mills & Boone books.

o Con: Sex scenes are decidedly boring, bordering on the incestuous in some cases.

· Literary Fiction?

o Pro: Large amounts of strife between characters.

o Pro: Bizarre forms of speech and odd idioms abound.

o Con: Writing virtually incoherent in some places, due to the language and culture of the authors.

o Con: Long lists of names somewhat deaden the flow of the text.

o Con: ?Old Testament? style not really relevant in today?s literary world.

· Star Trek Fan-Fiction?

o Con: No mention made of the

o Con: Not enough cool one-piece bodysuits.

o Con: No Romulans.

So it seems that Fantasy, with a grand total of three Pros, is the consensual winner.

The Bible is an absolutely massive book ? the reviewers had to read through it in teams, and some of them made rather pointed remarks about ?feeling like a bunch of frikking bobsledders without any icy tunnels? after the months spent reviewing this monumental literary ?achievement?. Like all very long books, it tends to be patchy in places, especially the parts where entire genealogies are laid down for the reader?s amusement.

Where the Bible excels is in painting a delightfully quaint picture of life in the before the birth of Christ. Few books do this in the immediate, realistic style of the Bible, and we were alternately shocked and stunned by vivid depictions of inter-tribal wars, large-scale foreskin-gathering missions, and the other sordid adventures of the people of long ago. According to the Bible, most of these adventures were instigated at the bequest of God, but a careful reading of the text reveals a deeper, far more telling secret: every time God said something, it was invariably heard by an old man with a beard and a turban, and then relayed to the people as a whole.

This theme is repeated throughout the Bible, which leads us to a better understanding of what the authors were really trying to get across: old dudes can be God, if they can give sufficiently convincing speeches. Abundant evidence of this delightful aspect of human nature exists in today?s world, demonstrated by such luminaries as Jimmy Swaggart and the Pope.

But don?t let the whole ?all-mighty proxy to invisible heavenly testosterone archetype? thing throw you ? the Bible does have some really wonderful bits which make it well worth the price. Here are just a few examples:

· Towards the middle, an ancient Israelite king goes on and on about ?hairy mountain goats?, in what was probably a precursor to the Monty Python movies.

· Completely ridiculous temple ceremonies ? witness various dignified priests waving around bits of grilled lamb in front of huge crowds.

· Bizarre, hallucinatory fantasies, rivalling Stanley Kubrick?s version of ?2001?.

One thing that depressed several reviewers of the Bible was the way that the only guy in the book who says anything halfway worth remembering gets nailed to a tree. However, much to our dismay, we were assured that this was perfectly all right, and that he had really meant for it to happen, and that we should be glad about it.

This just goes to show, humans have unplumbed depths of wackiness that we can sometimes only guess at.

168

The UN Posts Their Letter!

by jgnat in

did our letter-writing campaign work?

http://www.un.org/dpi/ngosection/watchtower.pdf.

here are some lovely instructions drafted by syn, and hosted by valis, on how to navigate to the site yourself.. http://www.sassquatch.com/syn/un_ngo_letter/.

SYN

*bumpity bumpity bump*

49

Let's Dare The Ahole JW Lurkers

by Valis in

hey watchtoer dubbies!

i dare you to disfellowship me at the meeting!

my parents are david & patricia bush.

SYN

Hi Valis,

While it takes a set of solid brass bollocks to do something like this, I'd never do it myself, 'cause there are some truly frikking crazy people out there, and the Internet reaches a disproportionate number of them...but I still think you're a standup guy!

GIVE 'EM HELL!

168

The UN Posts Their Letter!

by jgnat in

did our letter-writing campaign work?

http://www.un.org/dpi/ngosection/watchtower.pdf.

here are some lovely instructions drafted by syn, and hosted by valis, on how to navigate to the site yourself.. http://www.sassquatch.com/syn/un_ngo_letter/.

SYN

Excellent post, Marvin. *bump*

10

NGO Why then?

by confusedjw in

what would be the *real* motive then, if not the library card, for the wtbts to become an ngo?

is it possible someone got confused or misinformed that they needed to become an ngo to continue with the library?

i can't for the life of me figure out the motive.

SYN

Thanks Allgrowedup. I needed to vent. *bumpity bump*

10

NGO Why then?

by confusedjw in

what would be the *real* motive then, if not the library card, for the wtbts to become an ngo?

is it possible someone got confused or misinformed that they needed to become an ngo to continue with the library?

i can't for the life of me figure out the motive.

SYN

What's important here is not why, but that they were an NGO in the first place! To me personally, it wouldn't matter a bit if they signed up with the UN to get discount hotdogs outside the UN Headquarters in New York - what matters to me is that the absolutely flagrant hypocrisy they exhibited by branding the UN as the "Harlot" in their literature, liberally hammering it into the head of every single Dub in the world, and then they go behind everyone's back and sign up as an NGO!

It's a case of DO AS I SAY, NOT AS I DO. Coming from people who purport to be the sole channel of "Jehovah", this is even richer.

I spit on their arrogant, shiny bald heads!

72

SUGGESTED LETTER CAMPAIGN TO GET THE UN TO RELEASE THE WTS FILE

by hawkaw in

jw
friends

the pertinent information dealt with confirmation that a ngo by the name of the watchtower bible and tract society of new york , inc. (watchtower) held an ?associated ngo?

this may not seem as an important issue to the united nations.

1) a photocopy of the original 1991 letter from the watchtower to the dpi requesting an application form for ?associate ngo?

SYN

Sign me up!!! If we can get them to release THAT...wow...it would be like a tsunami...!

32

Need Input! Overcoming Active JW Objections re: Letter on UN Website

by imallgrowedup in

the letter the un posted on their site regarding the wt affiliation with the un is great news!

kudos to everyone who made this possible by taking the time to write the un!

although most on jwd see this as a big victory, most have expressed that there will probably be many active jw's who will find it suspicious or will turn a blind eye.

SYN

Good thread!

Objection: Apostates hacked into the UN website and posted it.
Possible Response: Right! Yes, there is a vanishingly small possibility that this happened. However, it could be corrected by a simple phone call to the United Nations asking them if this document was authored by them. There's a handy phone number in the letter itself! Why not have a chat with them about who wrote the letter, and why they wrote it?

Objection: It's no big deal.
Possible Response: Wrong! This is a VERY big deal. For decades, the Watchtower harped on about how the United Nations (and previously the League of Nations) were both essentially manifestations of Satan, or THE HARLOT. They don't paint a very pretty picture of the UN in their literature, pre-1992. After that, all of a sudden, they started to talk about how wonderful the UN's various programs are, and at regular intervals! Isn't it odd how you have to re-apply once a year to be a UN NGO? And that they would've needed material to show the UN each year, proving that they were still worth of being an NGO? The Governing Body definitely knew about the whole thing - it wasn't just the doing of one man. All of the highest-ranking Witnesses had to know about it, in order for such drastic changes to have been made to the publications.

168

The UN Posts Their Letter!

by jgnat in

did our letter-writing campaign work?

http://www.un.org/dpi/ngosection/watchtower.pdf.

here are some lovely instructions drafted by syn, and hosted by valis, on how to navigate to the site yourself.. http://www.sassquatch.com/syn/un_ngo_letter/.

SYN

It took, like, 5 minutes, dude! Really quick & dirty, but I'm crazy like that You should be thanking Valis, not me, he's going to be doshing up the green for the bandwidth!

More importantly, thanks to all who wrote letters to the United Nations!

This has to be the most damning thing I've seen for years. It really puts a lid on the Watchtower's pathetic little attempts to dodge the sh*tstorm by whining about a "library card". BULLtwang! If they only wanted a library card, why did they promote the UN and sign a document that said that they'd support its charter, which contains a number of interesting concepts, such as participating and supporting UN-led fighting?

How about THAT for neutrality! The Tower has really screwed itself now! Talk about tripping over your own shoelaces!