I am here because I recently went through a terrible depressive episode where I became very ill and, in the process, began counseling and started realizing that my problems were not only the result of childhood issues, but also events playing out in my life now (including my life as a JW).
During the period of my depression, I suddenly went from being a happy, active JW with regular association to an isolated outcast in the congregation. Not because people didn't like me, but because they didn't understand depression, didn't take it seriously, or knew it was serious but didn't want to get involved. I understand that, and I don't feel bitter (well, not much!) But it has been lonely.
I thank Jehovah every day for the 2 friends who have stood beside me. Of those, only 1 friend is open to hearing about my counseling sessions and discussing with me my concerns about the WTBTS. I have mailed her several items I've found on this and other websites. We talk about them privately. She is also concerned about many of the same issues, but we have not figured out, as yet, what to do about what we've found out. Right now, we are in the "researching" stage.
On the Internet, I have found some items to be false or exaggerated (i.e., Watchtower Society owns Bomb Factory and WTBTS Supports Swaggert), but many items have been completely true. One of my biggest concerns is the issue of child sexual abuse.
I guess to sum it up, I'm here because I need to see both sides of the issue. Of course, like any organization, the WTBTS only publishes the good experiences, and not the bad. I need to do as much research as possible, both pro and con. I need to figure out what led me to such a severe breakdown and how I need to change my life to prevent a further episode. I need to figure out what part of my problems may be linked to or exaggerated my my life as a JW, and what I can do to be healthier. And of course, I want to please Jehovah.
At present, I'm not sure what He'd have me do. I'm still applying the P-A-S-S word (prayer, association, study, service). But I know something needs to change. The P-A-S-S word is a good one, but it didn't prevent my breakdown. Nor does it answer the troubling questions that plague my heart and mind.
I'm also here to vent. I don't want to overload the one person I can talk to!!! Though most here are ex-JW, it helps to occasionally read a post from someone in my shoes (still active JWs, but no longer seeing with rose-colored glasses and willing to face and discuss difficult questions head-on).
I hate the name calling, swearing, and insulting on the threads. Since I am a JW, it upsets me to see posts that openly slam and use hateful language toward Jehovah and JWs as a group. The amount of negativity has made me seriously consider abandoning this website for good. But I try to remind myself that many of the people here have been terribly hurt by the organization. I know hurt often is expressed as anger. So I try to understand that. And despite the verbal battles, I've learned a great deal of helpful information and have also witnessed words of compassion, respect, and concern.
It's hard sometimes dealing with the guilt, for posting. (Wondering if I'm now an enemy of God because I have chosen to correspond with "apostates.") The sad thing is, I can't talk to other JWs about it. I agree that people who have never been JW can't really fully understand the emotional/mental/spiritual dynamics involved in seeing an organization you put your trust in and based your whole life around suddenly revealed in a different light. For me, it turns my whole world upside down.
Sometimes I think I've just always been too naive and trusting. I've always had a tendency to see everything with "rose colored glasses." And taking those glasses off has been both shocking and painful.
I know part of it is my fault. My unrealistic expectations. I've always known intellectually that the org wasn't perfect. But in my heart, I guess I expected more.
Y'know, when I entered counseling, the ONE thing I thought I had a handle on, the ONE thing that seemed still stable in my life was the Truth. And now, that foundation that I'm standing on is wobbling. It's a scary feeling. I still love Jehovah and want to be a JW, but I can't pull the veil back down regarding what I've seen.
So here I am, reading, venting, researching, and praying. Trying to keep an open mind and buying time, hoping eventually things will come together and I'll know how to proceed from here.
Sorry my message was so long.