Posts by Freeandclear

20

The Great Watchtower Guilt Trip

by pale.emperor in

as im sure almost all of us on here are ex-jw, we all know first hand how well the watchtower used the power of guilt to manipulate our thoughts and actions for the entire time we were active witnesses.

guilty for not going on the ministry enough.. guilty for not trying harder while on the ministry.. guilty for not turning up for hall cleaning that time.. guilty for saying a swearword.. guilty for looking at a porno mag.. guilty for masturbating through my teens (i thought i was the only one who did!).

guilty for thinking the gb is wrong on a certain thing.. guilty for touching my girlfriend there... even though we've been dating for 3 freakin years and not had sex (thats not natural imo).. guilty for not following along in the watchtower magazine on sunday.. guilty for not studying.. guilty for nodding off during the 8 hour convention.. guilty for my mind wandering during the talks.. guilty for thinking of sister so-and-so.. the list goes on.

Freeandclear

Guilt.....wow. It really is all about guilt in the end. When I was in I was 100% and I drank it all up and was an uber dub. I prayed constantly, studied for every meeting, read my bible, and put everything into practice. Sometimes I felt very close to Jehovah and this brought me great joy. But a human being can not live up to these impossible standards for long and eventually my human side would shine through and I'd think about a cute girl I knew or accidentally see something racy on tv that would get my young man juices all stirred up and then the eventual thing would happen, I'd masterbate or watch some porn, etc... This happened over and over and over and every time I felt so miserable and hopeless that this led me to eventually start thinking about suicide. Crazy huh? I'm sure a lot of us have been in this exact same position when we were jdubs.

For 15 years I was in and out. I'd stay in as long as I could but I'd eventually get so depressed and suicidal that I'd just stop going. Instantly the guilt and pressure was gone. I still believed it all mind you, there was no jwfacts or internet research back in my day...so I was still mentally trapped but getting away from the meetings allowed me to get a break from the constant reminders and the guilt. Eventually I'd "come to my senses" and go back (I'd never gotten disfellowshiped, only reproved one time privately and one time publicly). This pattern continued until last year I finally got df'd and that really changed things for me. Since I was already out I felt like I had a green light to do some research on my own about my religion and my beliefs; enter Jwfacts and it was all downhill from there. Smooth sailing. The relief was immense to say the least. To finally be set free from my mental prison of belief in a lie.....that was huge. It also started me on a very bad path though of self destruction. Losing all of your long held beliefs about life and the afterlife in one fell swoop is very hard to deal with as I'm sure you all know. But I got through it and now have a different perspective.

I forgot where I was going with this. Just happy to be out of the shackles of guilt and am trying hard to live my life in a way that makes me happy. I have goals and I will continue to focus on them and enhance my already happy life.

That reminds me. I wanted to talk about happiness. JW's claim to be the "Happiest People on Earth" haha, what a joke. More like the most depressed and fucked up people on Earth. I honestly never knew any JW's who were truly happy. NONE. Not one. Sure some put on a very good front, until you get to know them, then the wall comes down and you find out most are on depression meds or anxiety meds and most are barely dealing with life. Happiness? Far far away from any JW. Sad.....so sad.

I realized happiness is a choice. We choose what we focus our mind and our lives on and we can be happy just by choosing to be so. It really is a mental outlook. Change your attitude, change your life. Very simple. It's not easy but it is simple. Then work towards goals that enhance your happiness.

I love you all. I'm glad I have the support of so many people who've been there done that got the t-shirt. Stay strong and find your happiness and your peace. It is out there.

50

Why Finding the One True Religion is Impossible

by Simon in

jws like to think they have found the one true religion.

but like so many other religious people, it's usually the religion they were born into, the only religion they know because it's the first one they found or, at the most, one of two or three (typically the second one after they left their first / born-in faith).. the trouble is, there simply isn't enough time to explore and investigate each and everyone of the many thousands of belief systems, religions and sects around the world.. think of it this way: which is the best neighbourhood to live in where you would be most happy and most successful?

not just in the city or even the country you are in, but the entire world.. how would you ever know?

Freeandclear

Or...maybe just because God doesn't exist and therefore neither does "One True Religion"? (I didn't read all the comments so excuse me if this was already mentioned)

67

What is life?

by punkofnice in

when i was a jobo, i used to thing of 'life without end at laaaasssssst'.. having been on my journey out of the wbt$ slaveholdery, i have found that something that makes sense is that life doesn't owe us a meaning.

psalms 146:4 was actually bangeth on the money-eth 'his breath goeth forth, he returneth to his earth; in that very day his thoughts perish.'.

although i am now very atheist, and really do not even think there is the remotest possibility of a god, that bible passage is correct.

Freeandclear

I can not find happiness or meaning knowing it will all end and be forgotten. To me it's all absolutely pointless. Finding meaning - is merely a distraction from the reality of all of our eventual deaths. How can anyone be happy? Only by ignoring the facts can you find happiness. I know for certain I would be better off as a cat, or any other being that's not been "cursed with consciousness". That truly is humanity's biggest curse. We are no better for it. I wish I was a babbling idiot or a retard who could not ponder such things as my own eventuality. It's very hard to deal with...

The Ramblings of the Stranded Man

by Freeandclear in

jw
friends

it's late.

so late.

yet early....... my mind races....my heart beats....i'm alive yet.

Freeandclear

It's late. So late. Yet early......

My mind races....my heart beats....I'm alive yet

Time marches on.....inevitably towards the end.

I fear. I want. I need.

I think of you. I think of our love. I think of the pain you caused me. But did you?

Perhaps it is all just me? Yes. I am causing this pain.

My own heart bleeds for something that never was.

Then the other you came along. Just when I needed you, the universe sent you....

And soon you must leave as well and I will be crushed and broken again by my own mind...

By my own wants and needs....by my own hope.

How many more years of this torture can I endure? Life is short they say......yet it can feel so long.

Not too long and I will meet my own eventuality....the same eventuality as everyone else who's lived and died on this ball of mud.....this wonderful ball of mud circling for endless eons in the darkness of space.

Where do we go from here? What is waiting for us on the other side?

Blackness? Eternity? Emptiness......? No, those things are in our own mind. Created by our own hopes and fears. In the end we are all as we were, stardust in the wind.

Yet there are so many happy coincidences aren't there? And this yearning inside to always be..... So many signposts pointing the way..... yet so many dead ends.... There goes that hope again.

Wishing won't make it real. Yearning won't make it solid. Needing answers won't bring them. Nothing makes any sense at all, yet, here I am. I am. Is this a gift or a curse? To have this brain that thinks these things and a heart that feels so much..... I guess it's just yin and yang, a perfect balance of both. One day the two pieces of light and dark will fall away from each other and will nevermore be connected.... but that time is not yet at hand..... so the struggle continues......

Breathe in, breathe out. Sleep.....wake.....eat......excrete....... dream on and on....hope and if you can find it, love.....for this is all we are. This NOW that we have. This moment in time. So short, yet oh so tortuously long.....

My mind reels. My heart aches. My bones and my blood are crushed and spewing forth.....and I can not stop it. Nothing takes the pain away.....nor the hope. Only time. Time.....time....time

Then.......the end. Nothingness? Blackness? Void? Or just dust in the wind.....forever floating along until its' new iteration? An iteration that is not me but yet is me.....some part of me.

In 200 years, a mere moment in time, I will be forever gone. Gone physically and gone from all stream of consciousness that exists on this ball of mud. Gone in the truest sense of the word. No one to remember me. No memories of my own. Gone forever and ever.

Time marches on. On into the void.....

73

Quite Possibly The Most Sinister Speaker Ever?

by pale.emperor in

hi guys.. "brother" jose is quite possibly the most sinister speaker i've ever seen or heard.

and i've seen/head a lot of cults in my time.. he's over the top with his voice tone and gestures.

i see a future governing body member in the making here:.

Freeandclear

Great talk! Pulled me right back into the Troof.

41

That One Defining Moment That Changed Your Life.

by new boy in

it seems that many times in life there is a moment or an action that changes your whole world.

it could be just a look that someone gives you.. many times it can be something rather small.

something hardly noticeable by anyone but you.

Freeandclear

I've had three such moments that spring to mind.

1. Sitting at Three River Statium in Pittsburgh PA about 1987 at 16 years of age realizing that "This is the Truth, everything is from the Bible and indisputable"..... That changed the entire course of my life for the next 28 years.

2. Reading Crisis of Conscience and then the entire WJFacts.com website and realizing it was all just a scam and then dealing with that aftermath. The loss of my faith and my entire worldview was quite the undertaking.... still working on it.

3. The day I met "her", my muse, the love of my life and my succubus. That was by far the most powerful thing I've ever been through and is still affecting me to this day.... and not for the better......

Life is full of these moments when we change instantly from one thing to another. Crazy huh?

5

"50 Years a Watchtower Slave" Chapter 3 Part A

by new boy in

the door to door salesmen .

southern california wasn’t hawaii after the war but it was real close.

there was great weather, plenty of jobs and no smog yet.

Freeandclear

New Boy please keep writing! I'm loving your stories. I just went back and read all of your posts! Great stuff. Very entertaining. Thank you.

30

GB "... it can make mistakes when explaining the Bible ..." Simplified version WT Feb 2017

by freddo in

study article: who is leading god's people today?

start of paragraph 12.. standard version: "the governing body is neither inspired nor infallible.

therefore, it can err in doctrinal matters or in organizational direction.".

Freeandclear

Isn't it so ludicrous? If you speak out against the bOrg you get shunned as a mentally diseased Apostate yet they themselves admit openly to being "uninspired and fallible" It makes absolutely no sense whatsoever that anyone would base their life on their teachings and follow them to the letter, shunning their own children and family members, spending all their time in useless "service" and donating money, etc etc etc..... It's hard to believe I was once so blind.

39

Why Is it the Girls who Hang in There?

by snugglebunny in

jw
friends

having seen many, many people leave the org over the years, i have to say that, when it comes to married couples, it's almost always the man who makes the first move to leave.

conversely, when it comes to being converted into the witnesses, more often than not it's the wife who joins up first.

although that wasn't the case with my own parents, my father became converted and my mother followed very reluctantly..

Freeandclear

The bOrg uses emotional appeal to bring members in. The logic behind their teachings is sketchy at best. I used to teach and conduct Bible studies so yeah, I know this. There were things I didn't fully understand but my CD always found some way to logically explain it to others. But the emotional side of this cult is what really is appealing to most. The idea that all your problems will be solved, that you can rely on God to help you through anything, that you will have this huge "family" etc.....

Biologically that is much more appealing to women than men IMHO, thus why I think women get brought in first. Add in the social aspect of it as was already mentioned and yes it's very hard for women to leave first.

Makes sense to me.

21

What steps did you take to free yourself from the cult? mentally or physically?

by HereIgo in

first i ignored all of the elders phone calls to send my recommendation letter to my new congregation, truth is i had already started my fade and moved across town and didn't have a new congregation.

i deleted all jw friends on facebook.

i also threw away all of my public talks recorded on cd, all literature, even my book bag and my bible.

Freeandclear

I got DF'd in April of 2015. I was distraught and really still though it was the truth. Since I was out I decided to do some digging that I never would have done if still officially "in" and I read CoC and found JWFacts and read all of it. I then joined up on this forum and started talking to others and reading everything.

It was a real shock to me. Of course I did have some very minor doubts now and then but my programmed CD always kicked in and I would be fine. But learning that the religion I had devoted most of my life to was nothing more than a cult and a lie....well that was really hard on me for a short time.

I went through the typical phases of grief I suppose, went athiest for a while, then finally had a two month long existential crisis and finally I ended up where I am now. I don't officially believe in God (as in the God of the Bible) but I'm open to the possibility of something else after death, and the possibility that there is some sort of creator and order in the universe. We really don't know, we can't prove it either way.

Now I follow my conscience. I try and do no harm to others. And I'm hopeful that when I die (we all will die) something else happens. What that new reality is or may be I will just wait and see when/if it happens, and if it doesn't....well, I won't know anyway, I'll just be gone.

But my atoms have existed for 13.6 billion years and they will continue to exist for as long as our universe exists so in a way I guess I am eternal already. ;)