unclebruce
JoinedPosts by unclebruce
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A new urban legend
by loosie ini just got this in my email.
has anyone heard this one yet?.
this is an experience from andre' r_____, overseer, just back from the branch committee course at patterson: in england, one of our blind brothers had a seeing-eye dog that would faithfully guide and take him to the meetings each week.
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In Need of a laugh!!!
by Double M inhey could someone please help me out am looking for "the golden ages" books probably in pdf format the author is you know who the judge.am in total need of a laugh.
i wnat to read all that crazy stuff he had in mind.
totally old light!!
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unclebruce
They're still selling the Judges crap? Geez how big a stockpile is there?
The Golden Age certainly had a colorful turn of phrase: Golden Age March 2nd 1921:
When the Sugar Orgy Started
THE sugar orgy started where much of the lawlessness of the past few years has started - in the management of the department which is euphoniously entitled the Department of Justice. .....
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And Now for Something Spiritual
by unclebruce inas you know, i discovered jesus late one night while surfing jehovah on the net.
i ordered my plastic jesus, he duly arrived heralded by a mighty trumpet blast and he and i have inseperatable ever since.
it's not easy being the only true christian in the world.
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unclebruce
Awwww look at the big puddy! mmm the lamb is making me think sinful thoughts ... leg roast with spuds and mint gravy .. think pure thoughts unc ..
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Have a great day at the zoo Luna - I'll try and find ya some christian products for your workplace
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Dear KW the link was provided severa ltimes in my posts on page 1. (I've been busier than a man building a floating box for all the animals in the world)
Saint Bruce
Link to christian Paradise: Ship of Fools
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5
In Need of a laugh!!!
by Double M inhey could someone please help me out am looking for "the golden ages" books probably in pdf format the author is you know who the judge.am in total need of a laugh.
i wnat to read all that crazy stuff he had in mind.
totally old light!!
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unclebruce
More Spiritual humour here: And Now for Something Spiritual Business savy, cross promoting unc
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And Now for Something Spiritual
by unclebruce inas you know, i discovered jesus late one night while surfing jehovah on the net.
i ordered my plastic jesus, he duly arrived heralded by a mighty trumpet blast and he and i have inseperatable ever since.
it's not easy being the only true christian in the world.
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unclebruce
Would Jesus have chewed Bible Gum? Or handed round the Testamints after the Sermon on the Mount? Most scholars say "yes". Spiritual and bodily food combined .. what could be more wholesome?
Warning: Seek your Presiding Overseers rule before consuming on Kingdom Hall Real estate.
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Musical Weeping Santa:
Just when you though you had it all figured along comes a product to confound bible scholars and confuse the kidies. Santa can normally be relied on for his beaming smile, ruddy cheeks and hearty laughter. But no more. Santa has been convicted of sin and weeps in penance over the Holy Babe, while "O Come All Ye Faithful" plays movingly on a concealed microchip. There can be only one explanation: Santa has been received into the Catholic Church. His statuette, like the statues of all Catholic saints, now weeps, bringing a welcome note of misery to Christmas.
Wreck someone's seasonal happiness with this 5.25" Santa, made from porcelain, wood and brass. Gift boxed. Genuine painted tears.Jesus the Hot Air Balloon:
He's 110 feet tall and has hands 20 feet long. He weighs over 750lbs and is filled with 258,000 cubic feet of air. It took 13 weeks to sew him together.And he's quite simply the biggest Gadget for God we've ever seen.
Jesus the Hot Air Balloon is based in Tracy, California, and is the latest evangelistic balloon project of The Merritt Ministry. The biggest challenge they faced was theological, it seems: 'How do you create a hot air balloon that is both authentic and reverent in its mission of creating Jesus, the Son of God?' Er, quite. The answer? 'Jesus, in a majestic purple robe, trimmed in gold, rising above a base of white clouds, in all power and majesty as is presented in the book of Revelation.' Right...
The balloon, which bears the slogan 'King of kings, Lord of Lords' across the back of Jesus's robe, is currently touring the United States. -
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And Now for Something Spiritual
by unclebruce inas you know, i discovered jesus late one night while surfing jehovah on the net.
i ordered my plastic jesus, he duly arrived heralded by a mighty trumpet blast and he and i have inseperatable ever since.
it's not easy being the only true christian in the world.
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unclebruce
More Watchtower Approved, Spiritually Uplifting Merchandise:
Biblical Plague Balls:
Frogs, boils, gnats, flies, disease, hail... ahhhhh.. those were the days. Plagues not only metered out justice to Jehovah's enemies, they were colourful and interesting. And now, thanks to Products of the Apocalypse, Inc., you can relive the 10 plagues of Egypt and relish the Great Tribulation to come with this set of snowdomes for your mantelpiece.
In their own words: "Can you imagine what a swarm of hungry grasshoppers sounds like? With this Plaguedome, you won't ever have to! With a quick swish of your wrist you can cause millions of ravenous locusts to decend upon the world's food supply! This 40mm diameter, glass dome was the first in the Plaguedomes line here at Products of the Apocalypse, Inc. Don't let this one pass you over!"
There's still just time to order your set before the rapture if you move fast. Only $6.50 each."Jesus Saves" Air Freshener:
Great news from the manufacturer of this pack of air fresheners: Jesus now saves from the embarrassment of unpleasant and anti-social smells. Walking with crisply-ironed garments and clean feet through a field of sheep that is miraculously dung free, this sweet-smelling version of Jesus is an adman's dream.
"Spread the Word!" burbles the text on the back. "Express your feelings with this beautiful, meaningful air freshener. Use it anywhere... wherever a pleasant aroma is desired or an odor problem exists."Fruit of the Spirit Wallpaper:
Just when you thought it was safe to go into the living room, a home furnishings company decides to offer a wallpaper border straight out of Galatians chapter 5. This pre-pasted, wipe-clean vinyl features clusters of fruit and the famous text from that famed wallpaper fan, St Paul: 'The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace...'
Looking like an ancient scroll with an overload of illustration and too little text, the Fruit of the Spirit wallpaper comes in 15 foot rolls at only $21.95 per roll. It takes only a few minutes of cut and paste to redeem your room and give your secular walls that sacred touch!Five Piece Nestling Nun Set:
It all depends on where you’ve reached in therapy. On the one hand you may need a spiritual icon to provide increasing comfort. Simply open this five-piece doll nesting set – and watch Mother Perpetua get bigger and bigger. Mmmm…
Alternatively, is Mother P already too dominant in your subconscious? Some, er, healing of the memories needed? Start with her Bible-clutching version and work your way down to the smallest… Now, that’s better, isn’t it?
Tyrol International’s inspirational matryoshka (signed by the artist, Sasha Abramov) is ‘true to the tradition of Russian lacquerware with its rich colors and lustrous finish. The complete set is yours for only $59.95.
Ten Commandments Blanket:What a blessing to married couples! Imagine waking up each morning snuggled under the 10 Commandments throw blanket, with the admonitions of Moses so handy. "Thou shalt not covet... more than your share of the bedcover." "Thou shalt not kill... even when your partner's snoring tops 100 decibels."
And it's such a blessing to cohabiting couples, too. Those words, "Thou shalt not commit adultery" are guaranteed to stop fornication dead in its tracks!
Buy the Ten Commandments Throw Blanket (machine washable 100% triple layer cotton) for yourself or as a guilt-inducing gift for someone who's currently (and contentedly) living in sin.
Only $58.99Last Supper Musical Pillow:
Lay your head on the Last Supper Musical Pillow and be transported back in time to the sights and sounds of that historic occasion. The sights, in this case, include the sumptuous Leonardo da Vinci group pose with reverential gold braiding. The sounds: the pillow plays "Hey Jude" – or should that be, "Hey Judas"?
Measuring a generous 15 x 11 inches and including a wind-up music mechanism, the Last Supper Musical Pillow gives authentic evidence that Jesus's foot-washing, bread-breaking and speech-making took place during an extended karaoke session involving all the disciples, with rousing refrains of "take a sad song and make it better," and "la, la, la, la-la-la-la". Only $28.00. Be there.Faith Mountain:
No editorialising is necessary for the magnificent Thomas Kinkade Faith Mountain. We'll let the blurb do the business...
Now, for the first time ever, the magnificent story of Easter comes alive in a three-dimensional masterpiece! This extraordinary collectible Thomas Kinkade Faith Mountain invites you to witness the historic events of Holy Week, presented in an illuminated treasure of handcrafted religious Christian home decor! Follow Christ as He rides into Jerusalem, see His betrayal and trial, and witness his death and triumphant Resurrection – the entire story unfolds in 13 meticulously detailed and dramatic scenes with 45 sculpted figurines!
Click here for your very own Faith MountainThe Bible Bar:
With the genetically-modified food scare, what next in a world where even the simple joy of stuffing yourself senseless has lost its flavour? Allow us to introduce the true GM (God's Menu) food.
According to Logia Foods of the Bible, Orlando, USA, the Bible Bar is "one of the greatest new products ever introduced to the Christian market." For just $1.95 this "fantastic-tasting, all-natural whole food bar contains the seven foods which the Lord calls 'good' in Deuteronomy 8:8 – wheat, barley, honey, figs, olive oil, grapes and pomegranates. You're going to love this first-of-its-kind nutritional bar with its refreshing, natural fruit flavor and biblical significance."Bible Gum:
Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the candy store...Bible Gum is a "wonderful way to introduce the 'scripturally-threatened' individual to one of humanity's most powerful and revered historical and spiritual compilings." Each pack of Bible Gum contains two tabs of gum with a "referenced King James verse printed on the inside of the carton."
If you've already cringed at Testamints, Bible Gum is final proof that where there's a pun there's a product. Single tins: $3.00 each. Bible Gum Vending Machine, complete with 200 capsules: $110.00 from Life Lines Inc. of Homer, Arkansas.The Pope Cake:
Attaining new heights of spirituality, John Paul II was declared one of the Dessert Fathers. He made the pilgrimage to cake-maker Pan Ducale back in 1985, and ever since the Pope Cake has been bringing a little taste of heaven to multitudes. And at 330 calories per sanctified slice, Dolce del Papa is very likely helping multitudes toward an early visit to heaven, too.
Says the manufacturer: "The Dessert of the Pope, a chocolate almond roll, has the honor of being one of the few edible items (outside the host) approved by the Church." Eat and be blessed for only 5,700 lira (that's just $3.00) per Pope Cake.Daily Text Clock:
A hint of 1950s bakerlite or even a gracious nod to 1930s art deco would have been nice. But no. The flat, utilitarian design is, we accept, consistent with this text-telling timepiece's sensible, conscientious purpose. And that is to tell us it is time for the word: "380 unique Bible verses changing once every hour on the hour."
Perhaps the most depressing factor in this strange fusion of technology, chronology and theology is the fact that "Time for the Word" is splattered across the base of the clock. "Time for the Word" – said with a wink, a dig in the ribs and "Geddit?" It just makes you grateful that God, in his great mercy and in spite of those awful pious posters on living room walls near you, chose not to stick a Bible text in a permanent, puffy cloud above Mount Everest. "God so loved the world... geddit?"Repent! Wristwatch:
Our Mormon brethren are, as ever, leading the way with this tastefully designed item of youth wristwear. Produced by Latter-Day Specialities, the "Repent: Tough on Sins" timepiece serves as a constant reminder of an oft-neglected biblical truth: that whatever time it is, it is always time to repent.
This point is reinforced by the fact that the watch... er... appears to have no hands. Only $38, available in screamingly large size only.Ichthus Tamborine:
Surely based on a hackneyed old spelling mistake, this tambourine will bring the 'piece of cod, which asseth all understanding' into your church's worship. The Ichthus comes in a choice of nine super colours. For just £12 you can shake, rattle and extol – clutching the earliest-known Christian symbol in your hot and sweaties. Impressive decibel rating.
Light up Musical Jesus:
Revolt your friends for just $15.95 with the Light Up Musical Jesus... an object which comes dangerously close to giving kitsch a bad name. Looking like a bloated, drowned corpse floating amid ugly plastic flowers and lace, this Jesus is without a doubt the whitest Jesus we've ever seen.
According to the sales blurb, Light Up Musical Jesus "glows and flashes hypnotically" (seizure-inducingly?) to the rockin' tune of "Hark the Herald Angels Sing". Surely the inspiration for this was an LSD flashback. Manufacturer, if you're reading this, you can find the help you desperately need through long-term therapy and medication. Seek help now.
iBelieve Lanyard:At last – your iPod Shuffle can now be born again! Simply remove your existing, non-believing Shuffle cap and snap in place the t-shaped iBelieve cap, and lo! your Shuffle is instantly transformed into a giant, white cross.
Sanctify that Shuffle for just $12.95! Ideal for listening to Black Sabbath tracks during church services. Order yours today by clicking here !It makes a fine companion to the True Wooden Stake of Christ for warding off vampires and other demonic influences so previlant in our modern world!
Pet Baptising Kit:
A nd you thought "repent and be baptized" was only for humans. Not so, according to Father Andrew, who recently hawked ready-made pet-baptizing kits on eBay. Here was a chance to get absolution from on high for Nero for biting the postman and Cuddles for wetting on your drapes. Predicated on the assumption that theology isn't all that important, the kit came with holy water, a baptismal certificate, a prayer (of St Francis, natch) and instructions for a baptismal ceremony that will "enrich the lives of both you and your pet".
Well. Now you know why they always stare forlornly at you when you're getting ready for church... it's nothing to do with wanting to be fed, they've been agonizing over their lost souls. Each kit was hand-packed and blessed by Father Andrew himself.Boy Jesus and his Dog:
It's one of those little-known facts that Jesus had a German Shepherd when he was a boy. A new book, Boy Jesus and His Dog, tells us that the pooch was named Angel. And according to the publisher, it's an inspiring read: "Boy Jesus, sometimes guided by His Heavenly Father, gradually develops a relationship with Angel that is spiritually moving, and shows how boy and dog are prepared to sacrifice their lives for each other."
This slight adjustment to the doctrine of redemption has been immortalized in the Boy Jesus and His Dog figurine (seen above), available for only $23.95. Lovingly sculpted by Sister Margaret Beaudette, it's available in an ivory or gold finish with a marble base. Barking, or what?NOTE: This Month Special ~ All Products Guarateed Demon-Free or we'll Give Your Money Back!
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Dear Simon,
this little side business is all yours if you want it
unclebruce
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And Now for Something Spiritual
by unclebruce inas you know, i discovered jesus late one night while surfing jehovah on the net.
i ordered my plastic jesus, he duly arrived heralded by a mighty trumpet blast and he and i have inseperatable ever since.
it's not easy being the only true christian in the world.
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unclebruce
Hey Doc you won't need to feel disgusted by the baby jesus butt plug - I'm sending you some special soap ..it'll have you all cleaned up in no time I sent some to my Brother Farkel a few years aga and he swears by it .
Forget Pope on a Rope - Try Wash Your Sins Away Soap!
Can't shift JW guilt? Want to get rid of iniquitous grime? Do other soaps promise much but fail to tackle that "unclean" feeling? Why not try new, improved, "Wash Away Your Sins" Soap?
While other soaps merely skim the surface, this biblical blend of Somalian frankincense and Persian nutmeg and ginger (in a 100 per cent vegetable oil base) lathers your soul and drives those troublesome sin blots down the plughole. Make "cleanliness is next to godliness" a reality: only $8.00 for seven ounces of creamy righteousness from the oldest soap makers in New England.
Also available: matching bubble bath. This baptism in a bottle is "CO tested and Bethel approved" – a snip at $12.00. -
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And Now for Something Spiritual
by unclebruce inas you know, i discovered jesus late one night while surfing jehovah on the net.
i ordered my plastic jesus, he duly arrived heralded by a mighty trumpet blast and he and i have inseperatable ever since.
it's not easy being the only true christian in the world.
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unclebruce
Hey Doc You lucky bastard - we just pulled your number out the baptismal jacuzi and you won yourself a baby jesus butt plug (sorry can't post a pic butt I can deliver lol
You sound real weak in the truth Doc .. if we're gonna get you spiritualy strong again you'll need to get back to basics. What better place to start than the ten commandments?
Granite Ten Commandments:
Isn't it about time you ditched your paper version and bought Moses' Greatest Hits in this newly-available format: solid granite?
Empirico International Trading Company, from Glendale, Arizona, have produced a giant 14-inch high version of the famous tablets (with matching wooden easel), which is apparently "perfect for home, office, church or synagogue." There's also a pocket-sized version – although carrying solid granite in your pocket might attract some commandment-breaking, Mae West-style comments.
Available in English, Spanish and Hebrew, this is a must-have present for Calvinists and other "thou shalt not" types. $119.00 for the 14-inch, and just $13.00 for the proud 3.5-inch. -
80
And Now for Something Spiritual
by unclebruce inas you know, i discovered jesus late one night while surfing jehovah on the net.
i ordered my plastic jesus, he duly arrived heralded by a mighty trumpet blast and he and i have inseperatable ever since.
it's not easy being the only true christian in the world.
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unclebruce
Oh.....my.......god!! u/b yer a sick, sick bastard!!! I would like to order the Ten Plague Finger Puppet please. And I'd like to have it sent directly to Brooklyn Bethel.
Dear Mary I haven't begun to post the sick stuff yet lol
Heavenly Images:
Hey Mary, while your at it, how about having your sweet pretty avatar photoshopped for eternity with Beard Almighty! Look... it's no use shaking your head in disbelief. You're just kicking yourself for not getting there first. "Feel the peace and joy," intones Heavenly Images. "We create custom pictures of your loved ones in 'heaven'! Touch someone's heart..." I'm ordering one of you to hang on my dunny wall. Consider yourself promoted to glory.
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Another poll: raised in or came in?
by under_believer insomeone asked a question in the "what generation are you" thread:.
were you "raised in the truth," or did you "come into the truth?".
i was raised..
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unclebruce
Pleased to meet you witchettygrub ..mutters and mumbles ..another bloody victorian
cheers from north of the border, unclebruce
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Uncs Politicaly Sus Dictionary of Obscurity and Presumptuous Oztentation
Inculcate: Verb, Fr: 1. To insert ones culture in Kate. 2. The art of brainwashing mindless sheep (an oxymoronic tautology but I only just got up .. cut me some slack people