Posts by WildTurkey

17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiance is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My second wife is dead.

FAVORITE SPORT

17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 sex
66 napping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

17 "tongue"
25 "breakfast"
35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 "Got home alive."

FAVORITE FANTASY

17 getting to third
25 airplane sex
35 menage a trois
48 taking the company public
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

HOUSE PET

17 roaches
25 stoned-out college roommate
35 German Shepherd
48 children from his first marriage
66 Barbi

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17

The Female Stages Of Life AGE DRINK

17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES

17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to colour my hair
48 Need to have Francois colour my hair
66 Need to have Francois colour my wig

FAVORITE SPORT

17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE 17 "Burger King"
25 "Free meal"
35 "A diamond"
48 "A bigger diamond"
66 "Home Alone"

FAVORITE FANTASY
17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair
66 a man

HOUSE PET 17 Muffy the cat
25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 German Shepherd and Muffy the Cat
48 Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muff the Cat

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66

IDEAL DATE 17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 He can chew breakfast

35

Billygoat's Really Bad Joke Thread

by Billygoat in

i have an 84 year old customer that comes in every week with just a ton of "groaner" type jokes for me.

i am never prepared with any jokes in return, so i'm hoping y'all can assist.

i would like to start this thread with hopes you can post your really bad jokes...clean preferably.

WildTurkey

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."

2

Guy Rules

by WildTurkey in

1. any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.. .

2. under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.. .

3. it is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

WildTurkey

1. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

a) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
b) After wrecking your boss' Ferrari
c) When your date is using her teeth

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

6. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time is 6 minutes

7. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

8. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.)

9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10 You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

12. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

13. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem --- you didn't see nothin'.

14. Women who claim the "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

15. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

16. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

17. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
d) Nice Ass, are you a Sagittarius?

18. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

19. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone, hang up if necessary.

20. When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of hooking up either.

New Priest

by WildTurkey in

a new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.. after mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

the monsignor.

replied, "when i am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, i. put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.

WildTurkey

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor
replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I
put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous,
I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the
beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded
to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found
the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as
Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey,
don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,
"Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not:
Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at
St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

13

Fun At The Written Review!

by WildTurkey in

jw
friends

bring a pillow.

fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 10 minutes.

wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work.

WildTurkey

Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 10 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work.

Get a copy of the written review, run out screaming "Bill, Bill I've got the secret documents!!"

Make paper airplanes out of the written review. Aim them at the elders left nostril.

Talk the entire way through the written review. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the elder is.

Bring cheerleaders.

Walk in, get the review, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the School Overseer, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every meeting! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular School Overseer ?"

Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.

On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

Bring pets.

Run into the Kingdom Hall looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the School overseer, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

Fifteen minutes into the review, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the review. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

Do the review with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

Come into the review wearing a pair of birkenstocks, and nothing else.

Come down with a BAD case of Tourette's Syndrome during the review. Be as vulgar as possible.

Bring things to throw at the School overseer when he is not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

Walk into the review with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the review. Try to get the elders to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the them to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the review.

Get the review. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Screw this!" and walk out triumphantly.

Arrange a protest before the review starts

Show up completely drunk.

Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. When the elders asks why, tell them in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

Comment on how sexy the School overseer is looking that day.

Come to the review wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.

Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

From the moment the review begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the Elders requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

Start a brawl in the middle of the review.

Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.

Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the review. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

One word: Wrestlemania.

Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

Play Frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the review.

Edited by - WildTurkey on 1 November 2002 10:46:23

Edited by - WildTurkey on 1 November 2002 10:48:9

3

How to talk about men and still be politically cor

by WildTurkey in

how to talk about men and still be politically correct...

he does not have a beer gut; he has developed a liquid grain storage facility.

he is not quiet; he is a conversational minimalist.

WildTurkey

How to talk about men and still be politically correct...

He does not have a beer gut; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

He is not quiet; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.

He is not stupid; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.

He does not get lost; he DISCOVERS ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

He is not balding; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a cradle robber; he prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He does not act like a total ass; he develops a case of RECTAL CRANIAL INVERSION.

He is not short; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.

He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.

He is not unsophisticated; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.

He does not eat like a pig; he suffers from REVERSE BULIMIA.

He does not hog the blankets; he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE.

He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has SWINE EMPATHY.

He doesn't have a dirty mind; he has INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENTS.

He is not afraid of commitment; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.