Posts by LostInTranslation

40

Non JW involved with a JW

by LostInTranslation in

12 years ago

i am a non jw who has been doing a fair amount of research on my own in hopes of finding some answers and understanding for my current heartwrenching situation:.

i have been dating a man for the last while, and we grew very close, very quickly.. .

suddenly he has pulled away from me, gotten very skittish and says he feels like he is leading a double life, and isn't ready for a relationship.. all the while stating that his impending divorce is the reason for his cold feet, which could be understandable except the marriage was very much "over" long ago.

11 years ago

LostInTranslation 12 years ago

jgnat

Thank you for your input. I have read many of your previous posts in my search for answers and respect both your story and your opinion.

To be sure this is not an easy situation.

I keep wavering in my own mind between walking away now, and making one last ditch attempt to speak to him about all of this.

Of course, my heart and mind are at odds. I am certain if we didn't have a past together He would never have reconnected with me, and I would certainly not be holding on like I am.

More fool me

Link

40

Non JW involved with a JW

by LostInTranslation in

12 years ago

i am a non jw who has been doing a fair amount of research on my own in hopes of finding some answers and understanding for my current heartwrenching situation:.

i have been dating a man for the last while, and we grew very close, very quickly.. .

suddenly he has pulled away from me, gotten very skittish and says he feels like he is leading a double life, and isn't ready for a relationship.. all the while stating that his impending divorce is the reason for his cold feet, which could be understandable except the marriage was very much "over" long ago.

11 years ago

LostInTranslation 12 years ago

Ballistic,

Thank you

Yes! I have thought this myself. I have a feeling through all of the talking and research I have done in the last little while that you may well be right, I actually may have more insight into what is going on in his head than he even does at this point.

Clearly from his own actions, he is confused at the very least. And questioning his beliefs and way of life at most.

Think:

PM returned.

Married to a JW:

I only had one PM from think about it.

Link

40

Non JW involved with a JW

by LostInTranslation in

12 years ago

i am a non jw who has been doing a fair amount of research on my own in hopes of finding some answers and understanding for my current heartwrenching situation:.

i have been dating a man for the last while, and we grew very close, very quickly.. .

suddenly he has pulled away from me, gotten very skittish and says he feels like he is leading a double life, and isn't ready for a relationship.. all the while stating that his impending divorce is the reason for his cold feet, which could be understandable except the marriage was very much "over" long ago.

11 years ago

LostInTranslation 12 years ago

I do have one more question to pose here and hopefully will be able to get help from all of you amazing people.

After reading so much here and also reading some of the things Mr. Hassan has to say, I would appreciate any ideas or tips on how to broach this subject with him

and the most effective ways to interact and speak with him.

Obviously without judgement and always in Love but any input from all of you with your sage experience in JW matters would be greatly appreciated.

He is already running scared and I don't want to push him even further away at this point.

Thank you all once again for all of your kindness and help.

It is so very muchly appreciated

~~Lost~~

Link

40

Non JW involved with a JW

by LostInTranslation in

12 years ago

i am a non jw who has been doing a fair amount of research on my own in hopes of finding some answers and understanding for my current heartwrenching situation:.

i have been dating a man for the last while, and we grew very close, very quickly.. .

suddenly he has pulled away from me, gotten very skittish and says he feels like he is leading a double life, and isn't ready for a relationship.. all the while stating that his impending divorce is the reason for his cold feet, which could be understandable except the marriage was very much "over" long ago.

11 years ago

LostInTranslation 12 years ago

Thank you Think About It,

I inted to stick around. I am finding all of the insight and information really helpful, at the very least in understanding his behaviour and the 'whys'.

The hot/cold, switch flipping behaviour is very difficult for someone who doesnt fully get the JW mentality, and I admit I took it very personally.

The rejection/love cycle was doing my head in!

I have been reading/listening to Steve Hassan and it is very enlightening, I am starting to get that this "isn't about me".

Hearing others here speak of the Cult persona vs the True Persona, and reading what Mr. Hassan has to say on that resonates very loudly for me, it is exactly how things are with he and I.

To answer your question about how I felt when I found out he was a JW:

At first I was suprised. I did a little research into the organisation and began to understand a little more of the control they exhert over their members. Some things about his behaviour started to make more sense to me, but he Kept coming around me, kept making a point to be part of my life, and because of that I suppose I totally underestimated how strong this control over him was. I really didn't get the complexity of the situation.

He has continuously told me how "complicated" his life is, but always inferred it was due to his divorce. It wasn't until he started saying he felt like he was living a double life that I really started to clue in that there had to be more (and yes, he has been hiding me from everyone in his circle... including his family who are NOT JW and whom i already know from our previous time together).

But even with all of this, I was not deterred. I really care for this man, not just in a romantic sense but as a person, and a friend.

I now see though that this may be an impossible situation. I don't know how I will proceed at this point. I know I need to have a conversation with him, hopefully he can be honest, REALLY honest.

I guess that part is really up to him. The rest will be my decision.

Link

40

Non JW involved with a JW

by LostInTranslation in

12 years ago

i am a non jw who has been doing a fair amount of research on my own in hopes of finding some answers and understanding for my current heartwrenching situation:.

i have been dating a man for the last while, and we grew very close, very quickly.. .

suddenly he has pulled away from me, gotten very skittish and says he feels like he is leading a double life, and isn't ready for a relationship.. all the while stating that his impending divorce is the reason for his cold feet, which could be understandable except the marriage was very much "over" long ago.

11 years ago

LostInTranslation 12 years ago

I thank you all so much already for your input.

I suppose what I need to do is accept that this Man I have come to have such deep feelings for once again in my life, is actually NOT the same man I once loved

as he has been altered and controlled by the WTS.

During this "second chance" relationship with him, I have to say I have seen clear evidence of both the "old him": happy, fun, relaxed and loving toward me, and the "new him" : much colder, more calculated in his words and 'proper', for lack of better terminology. It is like a switch flips and he goes from "old him" to "new him" very rapidly. But almost always after we have had some form of physical contact, even sometimes of the most benign kind. (it doesnt have to be full out sex to make him "flip" on me)

Robert,

Thank you for this information, I will read and research the freedom of mind website. Sadly, I fear he will not let me close enough to be of much assistance. I think he is already shutting down on me because I represent his biggest fear... temptation. His involvement with and feelings for ME may actually force him to have a real look at Himself and his life choices in a way he is not prepared to do.

I think he may latently fear that his sobriety is wrapped up in the JW's (it was very soon after becoming sober that he joined).

I also fear that he is just a person who NEEDS to have some form of governing body, someone to 'guide' him, tell him how to raise his children (he has custody, their mother is non JW - not the current wife he is divorcing) how to think, when to breathe .

Even when we were younger and in love (before his JW involvement) he was prone to extreme "all or nothing" choices. (pyramid schemes, get rich quick ideas... that would be paramount in his life for a few months or, then never to be mentioned again..)

Maybe it shouldnt have really been such a surprise for me to find out about his deep committment to WTS.

I guess I just felt, if I LOVE him enough, and he feels the same, he will leave, he will see that it's wrong, he will be freed.

I am beginning to realize here, that it's not that simple. Love has nothing to do with it... Fear is the key. Such a waste of a human. It's very saddening to me. I would have loved him earnestly and honestly if he would let me in.

Somehow, I doubt that will happen.

Link

40

Non JW involved with a JW

by LostInTranslation in

12 years ago

i am a non jw who has been doing a fair amount of research on my own in hopes of finding some answers and understanding for my current heartwrenching situation:.

i have been dating a man for the last while, and we grew very close, very quickly.. .

suddenly he has pulled away from me, gotten very skittish and says he feels like he is leading a double life, and isn't ready for a relationship.. all the while stating that his impending divorce is the reason for his cold feet, which could be understandable except the marriage was very much "over" long ago.

11 years ago

LostInTranslation 12 years ago

I guess as a side note I should say I don't really know where "we" stand at the moment.

We saw each other recently and things were good, normal, relaxed with us but the next day he was very distant with me again. (this seems to be a cycle with him after we spend time together, he gets cool to me for a day or two).

After this time, I told him I thought we should cool things down a bit and regroup. He agreed (still no admission of JW involvment from him and I have also not brought it up for conversation - I don't even know if he is aware I KNOW he is involved!)

and we have not spoken for almost a week, whereas previously we were in contact daily.

I hear you all very clearly, telling me to walk away... and I am taking heed, but it is a very difficult thing to do given our history and the amount of feelings involved. Even with his Hot/Cold act I can say with some certainty that the feelings are mutal.

I do appreciate all of the input and warm welcome here. Having some kind of understanding and support is already helping my psyche.

Link

40

Non JW involved with a JW

by LostInTranslation in

12 years ago

i am a non jw who has been doing a fair amount of research on my own in hopes of finding some answers and understanding for my current heartwrenching situation:.

i have been dating a man for the last while, and we grew very close, very quickly.. .

suddenly he has pulled away from me, gotten very skittish and says he feels like he is leading a double life, and isn't ready for a relationship.. all the while stating that his impending divorce is the reason for his cold feet, which could be understandable except the marriage was very much "over" long ago.

11 years ago

LostInTranslation 12 years ago

Hi Think.

Yes, this is where things get convoluted. We have known each other for 2 decades, were actually very close to marriage at one point in our lives (before he was a JW), but due to a number of reasons (one of them being that he had an addiction at the time, which he has been clean from for many years), things ended.

This reconnection we had was amazing, everything very quickly "felt right" again. However, clearly he was omitting a very large part of his life to me.

I don't even know how I would go about helping him out when he has not even admitted his involvement with the JW to me. I don't even know if he WANTS out..

As I said in my previous post on the other thread, I dont really understand why, if he were such a devout JW as I have heard he claims to be, 1) he got involved me at all and 2) why he wouldn't at least TELL me about his involvement with the WTS.

I am very hurt and confused.

Link

40

Non JW involved with a JW

by LostInTranslation in

12 years ago

i am a non jw who has been doing a fair amount of research on my own in hopes of finding some answers and understanding for my current heartwrenching situation:.

i have been dating a man for the last while, and we grew very close, very quickly.. .

suddenly he has pulled away from me, gotten very skittish and says he feels like he is leading a double life, and isn't ready for a relationship.. all the while stating that his impending divorce is the reason for his cold feet, which could be understandable except the marriage was very much "over" long ago.

11 years ago

LostInTranslation 12 years ago

Hi,

I am a non JW who has been doing a fair amount of research on my own in hopes of finding some answers and understanding for my current heartwrenching situation:

I have been dating a man for the last while, and we grew very close, very quickly.

Suddenly he has pulled away from me, gotten very skittish and says he feels like he is leading a double life, and isn't ready for a relationship.. all the while stating that his impending divorce is the reason for his cold feet, which could be understandable except the marriage was very much "over" long ago. (although I am sure it does add to the confusion)

I have come to find out that he has omitted one very large facet of his life to me, He is a Baptized and currently Active JW and has been for more than a decade. (his family are not JW but most of his social network apparently are including his soon to be ex wife. )

He has never admitted this to me and never once brought up any kind of religious affiliation AT ALL during the time we have spent together/discussions we have had. (I happened to find this out from a mutual family friend).

I don't know how to proceed, I don't know how to feel, I am actually rather heart broken because the bond we have is very real and very promising.

I feel lost and saddened and I don't even really know how to begin to get over this man. (it's more convoluted than this brief version I have posted but I am actually dubious about saying too much for fear that he or people he knows may even lurk here...)

Any insight would be appreciated

~~Lost~~

Link

40

Non Jw Dating a JW

by propel in

21 years ago

i'm a non jw currently seeing a jw.

i am not totaly clear about the rules about jw's in dating.

could someone explain this to me and does it vary from family to family at all?

12 years ago

LostInTranslation 12 years ago

Thanks Cofty,

As far as I am aware he still attends and is an active JW.

His marriage is 100% over, they are now just quibbling over the finances and then it will be complete.

As of this moment we are not in communication, It's been less than a week since we have spoken. I miss him very much but have no intention at this time of contacting him.

I DO feel in my heart that this will not be the last I hear from him, as this has a bit more to it ( as I said previously), In short, we have a past together (well before he was ever involved with the JW and well before his current marrige). And this convolutes things a little more.

I do not want to add confusion to his life, but at the same time I am afraid of walking away from something that I feel in my heart may have been "meant to be".

the omission of his beliefs and JW involvement are what I don't understand though... if he is so firm in his beliefs and has a strong foot in the organization, first of all why would he have become reinvolved with me and secondly why not just tell me? It would have been nice if I had have known what I was up against at the very least...

Link

40

Non Jw Dating a JW

by propel in

21 years ago

i'm a non jw currently seeing a jw.

i am not totaly clear about the rules about jw's in dating.

could someone explain this to me and does it vary from family to family at all?

12 years ago

LostInTranslation 12 years ago

I know there have been no posts on this thread for sometime but I am hoping that I will get a response. I am a non JW, trying desperately to understand and find some insight into my

current heart wrenching situation.

I have been dating a man for the last while, and we grew very close, very quickly.

Suddenly he has pulled away from me, gotten very skittish and says he feels like he is leading a double life, and isn't ready for a relationship.. all the while stating that his impending divorce is the reason for his cold feet, which could be understandable except the marriage was very much "over" long ago. (although I am sure it does add to the confusion)

I have come to find out that he has omitted one very large facet of his life to me, He is a Baptized JW now and has been for more than a decade. (his family are not JW but most of his social network apparently are including his soon to be ex wife. )

He has never admitted this to me and never once brought up any kind of religious affiliation AT ALL during the time we have spent together/discussions we have had. (I happened to find this out from a mutual family friend).

I don't know how to proceed, I don't know how to feel, I am actually rather heart broken because the bond we have is very real and very promising.

I feel lost and saddened and I don't even really know how to begin to get over this man. (it's more convoluted than this brief version I have posted but I am actually dubious about saying too much for fear that he or people he knows may even lurk here...)

Any insight would be appreciated

~~Lost~~

Link