Have you ever been STUCK in an embarrassing situation where you think you`d rather die than endure another 30 seconds...? What IS IT with some of these witnesses!Okay so they are no part of the world,fine,but which world,which planet are they on..!!! (Ok, let`s start at the beginning).I was a witness for many years, so while I`m out shopping or working, I quiet often bump into pioneers and other witnesses who are out on their ministry.Some-times we just say "hello" and go in our seperate way`s; but often we will stop and chat for ten minutes or so.Some-times I have to-be ALMOST rude to get away from some,especially the pioneer`s who set the hours meter running as soon as we start talking.I am never rude to the witnesses, I was a pioneer myself and always try to put myself in other peoples shoes[ The Golden rule ].Sometimes I meet the odd Elder while in the town centre." Odd " is the key word here.Most of the Elder`s in my old congregation were Pharisee`s, they turned "straining the gnat" into an Artform...!!!Over here in England theres a fairly new fashion [or uniform] for pretentious-bigheaded-Know-all middle aged Prats.Usally they have a grey beard,wear a bow-tie,have a
waistcoat and carry a beaten-up old briefcase and generally try to look as much like a University or Collage Professor as possible.They buy hundreds of old books from boot sales so they appear well versed,ride a 1950s bicycle[which is held together with rust and Sellotape] and have a wicker basket on the front.While riding through town, they have a small battered rupsack on their back.Not forgetting the bicycle clips around their ankles and a sperm-shaped flurorescent lime green plastic helmet ofcourse...( While writing this I`m wondering if this fashion also came from the States?).
However, one of the Elder`s in my old congregation is really sincere,genuine and kind; I`ll just call him Ned Flander`s [ Neighbour of the Simpsons?]He`s about 55 and wears a normal suit-shirt and tie. Most people didn`t even realize he was an Elder until got up on the platform to read the congregations accounts,once a month.Okay now I`ve set the scene, this is what happend today.Just after mid-day I set off to the city centre to do a small electrical job,not knowing where the shop was; So I parked my van in the multi-story car park and set off on foot carrying a toolbox.While looking around, I kept seeing lots of flag poles hanging out from the shops with a flag I`ve never seen before.They were simular to the American flag in-as-much-as they were striped,but had all the colours of the rainbow without the blue square of stars on the top left hand-side.So I just though they must be from one of these countries in Europe.Over the past few years tens of thousands of refugee`s have been flowing into the United Kingdom.[ Just go`s to show what hell theses poor people must have gone through to want to come to England!!!].I`d never been to that part of town before, [being a witness until just a few years ago]. It was all night clubs, night cafes and strange named resturants -Gay Lord`s, Lesbo`s, [Shirt-tail lifters,The Butt Bandit or whatever...] After the penny dropped and I realized I was in some sort of China Town for Gay`s, I suddenly noticed EVERY-ONE around me was a Village People lookalike, all the blokes I thought were Hell`s Angels were Lesbian`s.!!I thought it strange-a Hell`s Angel having a shaved head.What a weird street I`d walked into,
even the pigeons were walking strangely.Apart from that, normally the pigeons jump or fly out of your way when you walk through them,these just steped to the side and gave you a filthy look!!! Suddenly I "Butched-up" and held my toolbox extra tight,just incase I accidently dropped it; I didn`t fancy dropping any-thing in THIS street, that would mean bending over..!!! The street was very crowded," where the hell do all this lot come from?" I was thinking to my self,as I shoved my A to Z map book down the back of my pants.It was a beautiful sunny day, "Maybe this is England`s version of California[Gay centre?] or whatever it`s name is".....SUDDENLY I felt a hot sweaty hand on my shoulder," Hello Sparkie !!!" aaaaaaah ( I swair I froze there on the spot for a good 30 seconds,it was as though the hand of the Grand Reaper had touched me on the shoulder aaaaaah.....I clenched my butt cheeks together so tightly it would have crushed a stone to powder...And would you believe it...I let go of my toolbox!).When I turned around,Ned Flanners was standing there with a huge smile on his face.He was carrying a bunch of flowers in one hand, and holding his fluorescent shocking pink Mountain bike in the other.He had a yellow sperm shaped helmet on, and one of these tight-TIGHT satin blue cyclist shorts-leotard things on.That was bad enough but as I bend down to pick-up my toolbox I came face to face with his "Lunchbox" aaaaaaaaaaahhhhh.....!>> it was HUGE.! What the HELL has he got shoved down the front of his shorts? a dead plucked Chicken?!!!It looked so gross really gggrrOsssss." Oh Sparks,Sparks,we`ve missed you so much, so very-very much".As Ned Flannder`s was speaking, a very loud Gay couple of males stopped beside us arm in arm,one of them tilted his head to the side as he raised his left shoulder-up and then puckered his lips, looking directly at Ned`s Lunch box, he said " uuummmmm nice ". When the other looked at me and said " She`s suchhhhh a SLUT !!!".I don`t think Ned Flannder`s heard a single word they said, he was going on and on about how he missed me.( While I`m praying " HELP! God get me out of here!!!!!) By the way,Ned Flannder`s has a nice full-time pioneer wife and two pretty teenage daughters...ie... very straight.Infact I don`t even think he really knows what homosexual means.The flowers were for some witness he was going to visit in hospital.As I said at the start of this post,I do not like being rude to witnesses,although some seem to be asking for it some-times,especially Sister Ohsospiritual,or some Supercillious Elder wearing a dicky-bowtie etc...But there I was stuck in the middle of Gay`s paradise with one of the nicest witnesses alive, who was totally oblivious to what was going on around him. After standing there for what seemed to be a couple of months, two lesbian`s started to have a row a few yards up the pavement [sidewalk] from us.One was tall and skinny with her back to me, her head looked like a tennis ball with huge ears sticking-out in all directions covered in scrap metal; the other one had the face of a Rottweiler with it`s head turned inside out.The language they were useing would make a cheap $2 [£1] whore blush.So fortunately Ned cut short and left quick in the opersite direction to me; then looking back, I saw several Queens following him....
Sparks
JoinedPosts by Sparks
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HELP! God get me out of here!
by Sparks inhave you ever been stuck in an embarrassing situation where you think you`d rather die than endure another 30 seconds...?
what is it with some of these witnesses!okay so they are no part of the world,fine,but which world,which planet are they on..!!!
(ok, let`s start at the beginning).i was a witness for many years, so while i`m out shopping or working, i quiet often bump into pioneers and other witnesses who are out on their ministry.some-times we just say "hello" and go in our seperate way`s; but often we will stop and chat for ten minutes or so.some-times i have to-be almost rude to get away from some,especially the pioneer`s who set the hours meter running as soon as we start talking.i am never rude to the witnesses, i was a pioneer myself and always try to put myself in other peoples shoes[ the golden rule ].sometimes i meet the odd elder while in the town centre.
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Sparks
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THE IDIOT`S GUIDE TO BECOMING A JEHOVAH`S WITNESS
by Sparks inthe idiot`s guide to becoming a jehovah`s witness .
government health warning :the contents of this guide could cause mental illness.possible .
side effects include diarrhoea, dry mouth,constipation,confusion,fast heart rate,hair loss,headache,skin .
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Sparks
Hi Oxnard Hamster, sorry about long delay in answering,I`ve just got in from work.Looking at your post, I`m not too sure if your making a statement or asking a question.So assuming it is a question, then yes it is used by the witnesses, Infact it`s one of their most used phrases when not being able to give a scriptual answer but only that of the Watchtower Bible Trap Society. Heres a poor example: Elder pulls a brother into the room at the back of the Hall and says, " Brother Smith I notice that you have grown a full beard...(blah blah blah...not acceptable....blah,blah we will have cut off your privlages untill you shave it off...". Brother Smith:"But all the Watchtower`s and study books have pictures of Adam,Moses,Abraham,Jesus Christ and all His Apostles wareing a full grown beard.Men wouldn`t be able to grow hair on their face, if Jehovah didn`t intend it". Elder: "It`s better to be wrong with Jehovah, than right on your own!" As stated in my foot-note above[7]&[8] where from posts sent in to another of my threads.This one was sent in by Buster from Wahington In the United States on febuary 13 2003 I couldn`t agree with you more Oxnard,it seems the witnesses think both Jehovah God Almighty, His PERFECT son Jesus Christ and His Holy spirit are always getting it wrong.Never themselves. [If any Wanabee witness would like more info on why JWs don`t allow beards, please ask us, thats what we here for]
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THE IDIOT`S GUIDE TO BECOMING A JEHOVAH`S WITNESS
by Sparks inthe idiot`s guide to becoming a jehovah`s witness .
government health warning :the contents of this guide could cause mental illness.possible .
side effects include diarrhoea, dry mouth,constipation,confusion,fast heart rate,hair loss,headache,skin .
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Sparks
Hi Guy`s, [Monday evening] Hey it`s really great to hear from fellow Brits....Most of the other posters on this forum are Yanks or Canadian who MOSTLY just don`t get our British sense of humour.Several times now I`ve either put my foot in-it or upset some woman in the deep South [Boot-leg country or whatever the hell they call it.]This thread is a great example, I guess they`ve never heard of The Idiots Guide books,and may even think you have to be an idiot to contribute to it...!!!And by putting a Government Health Warning at the start, may act like a firewall to SOME Americans.I still love em though.And made good friends with many.The Canadians seem very simular to us Limmies..Nutcases!! Dansk, Hi Ian, What congregtion was I in? Several. As a child I was dragged screaming and kicking to Putney congregation in London.Then in the 70s went to Chelsea [ Abbadon on this forum was there also], then I moved to a small place in Devon called Beer Alston just out-side Plymouth.Then to Southsea near Portsmouth.I had girlfriends in Croydon and Bromsgrove, both pioneers.Then I married and went to the North, as far as possible from the witnesses....Leeds/York.I`ve also visited dozens of other Halls around the country/Scotland.That`s why I say all congregations are the same, with veriations ofcourse,but I would guess that 65% have a mega over weight sister.I`ll never forget one; Printed under her passport photo was writen " continued on the next three pages "! At a JW wedding reception her huge bulk blocked out half the food table[ ten wallpaper pasteing tables covered in paper table cloths along the side wall [in five minutes flat she cleared half the food away,after some-one complained about her,she said " I don`t know what she means, I`ve been eating like a bird...!!! [yeah, hopping from one table to the next!]Then she sent out for a large Pizza! Most of her huge bulk was made-up of Methane gas,she not only used to stink of sweat...Thursday nights she`d come in late following a huge dinner,by 8:30pm she`d start farting.Not loud ones,but those sly SBDs.She always sat in the front row in one of them orange plastic bucket seats with a hole at the back.One thursday I got to the hall early and placed a nite-light candle under her seat, alight.At 8:30pm bang on time, there was this great whoooosh and a sheet of flame as she shot up through the ceiling... She`s still orbiting the earth, if you look up on a stary night you may just see her passing Manchester.... I hope this guide isn`t making you a little home-sick??????[ hey,you wouldn`t hit a man with glasses would ya!!!].Thanks for the "Armageddon`s just around the corner" JW phrase, it`s classic and timeless...PERFECT..!!! ( Thank God you`ve managed to keep your fantastic sense of humour!!) Guy`s/Jill, PLEASE accept my apologies for my very badly writen posts above.The opening post[ The Idiot`s guide to becoming a JW] was first writen in Windows Note pad,and then I copied it and pasted it on-to the box you send these posts in on.Some-times it comes out all over the place with huge spaces;[as with that time.] The reason I always do that is because some-times after typing-out a long message,which has taken me an hour or so,I pressed "send" only to have it suddenly dissapear..!!![ If you want to do this yourself, please remember to click-on the question box`s before trying to copy and paste.Any problems,please ask].The last post I sent in, was full of spelling misstakes( rap, Windsor knot etc.)sorry Wallflower, I ACCIDENTLY got a little sloshed!!! I`ll try to explain; Last summer I made twenty bottles of home-made Pea-pod wine.It was a bit stronger than usal.... infact I used two bottles to run my fourstroke lawn mower, a bottle to burn out an old tree-stump( it`s has the same effect as the blood of that alien in the film Alien),and half a bottle diluted in 5 gallons of water to strip the paint off my garden shed.Drinking it is rather like giving a blow-job to a flame-thrower.. so my wife says....! Just before sending in my last post, my wife told me to pour it all down the sink OR ELSE..!!! I removed the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, accept for one glass, which I drank.I then removed the cork from the second bottle, and poured a glass,which I drank,and poured the contents down the sink.I then removed the next contents from the glass,and poured the cork down the sink,accept for one bottle,which I drank.I then poured a bottle down the next glass,which I drank,and poured the sink down the cork.When the house came around the second time, I steadied it with one hand and removed the next glass from the bottle,which I drank,and poured the cork down the contents,accept for one sink.I then removed the contents from the next sink,which I drank, and poured the cork down the glass,accept for one bottle.I then poured the next sink,which I drank,accept for one bottle and cork,and poured the rest down the glass....When I was finished, I lined up all the bottles,corks,glasses and sinks,and it came to zeventee zeverrn.Then I noticed a post from you, so I answered it straight away.Zzzorry about zhat. And Wallflower, Regarding my neighbours 18year old daughter: One of the things that puzzles me about the Americans is the way they throw billions of dollars into these Space programs they have,just to find out if theres water on Mars, or trying to find out how old some stupid Comet is,when theres much more important questions needed to be answered like; How is it women can always tell when your having a sly peek at their knics when they bend over, half a bloody mile away through a telescope when they have their backs to ya ????? Seems to me,the US Government needs to get their bloody priorities sorted out....They should get all the worlds great thinkers together,Stephen Hawkin etc...stop them wasteing time studying black-holes,worm holes,time travel and all that crap,and get them to answer this GREAT mystery of the universe..... Well you definately have me well sown-up Wallflower,actually I`m trying to win this years presstidius and much coverted Perverts Award for 2004.But from your post, it looks like your just in the lead to me, having got a T-shirt etc... ( God it`s GREAT having you here!!!). [Big Shooter] ( I`m sitting here typing this with my bum cheeks VERY tightly clenched together,I just can`t get that picture of them children gathered around that Elder`s feet out of my head,in a Drama.I must nip down to Tesco`s and get a good supply of Andrex Toilet paper in, if this guide go`s on much longer.... oops, just thought of another JW phrase: " I love the assembly Drama`s, their the best bit". [No, the best bits just after the closing prayer on sunday night,when you shoot off to have a cigarette in the men`s bog...or a joint!].Ofcourse if your a Gay American, you shoot off to the John for a fag.... Two new JW bum-clenchin` phrase`s : " Thinking persons" & " New Uderstanding". Note to Wannabee JW`s reading this guide; The phrase "Thinking persons" is used by The Watchtower Bible and Trap Society in all their teaching publictions, basically it`s used to flatter you. All other people are morons to the witnesses.The term " New Understanding" means that God`s Holy spirit,which is perfect as God is perfect,made a misstake when it first guided the Faithful and Discreet Slave class to tell every-one it`s cannabalism to have a organ transplant in their Watchtower`s.Now it`s okay to have a transplant.Shame about the thousands that died between these U turns.The term " New light" means the same,but taken from a scripture in Proverbs talking about wisdom.Jehovah`s witnesses only read the whole page or chapter when it suits them, this verse in Proverbs explains all JW New understandings,Generation,1975 etc..etc..plus whole books and Watchtower publications now classed as "Old light". Thanks Guy`s, any-more Butt clenching JW quotes,types of witnesses,rules,doctrines etc..???
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Are you in hospital or on a sick-bed with a lap-top PC????????????
by Sparks inhi, i`m sparks, .
i`m so sorry your stuck in hospital.i do hope your .
not in pain or too uncomfortable...???
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Sparks
Snap..! The same thing happened to my father and I.But unfortunately theres just no-way to turn the clock back, and act differantly with high-insight. Please don`t blame yourself Valis, after-all it was a very stronge request from your Uncle to ask you to just go out and get him a Lap-top computer.Now had he asked you to go out and get him a bottl;e of wine or some-thing in the same price range, well then I would also be very upset or even agree with myself. I happen to know some VERY well-off people,but even for them to just re-place some-ones Lap-top computer after THEY had an accident with it,would be asking lot.Theres a film called " CIty Slicker`s " where an old cowboy,played by Jack Pelance, says "You City-foke, you worry about a lota shit don`t ya...!!!". I think we humans are inclined to get too side tracked from the real important things in life Valis, like how we love each other etc..by this moden world full of un-nessary THINGS, like cars, computers,DVD players etc..which have no love for us,thoughts or feelings.And while being side-tracked,we saddly start to take each other for granted.I`m positive your Uncle forgives you just as much as you forgive him Valis, and more importantly, He Loves you .just as much as you love him.I know one day you will both meet again and laugh at the whole thing....Valis,even a total prick like me knows your sorry and love your Uncle, so it is obvious that your Uncle Knows that also. Please don`t keep whipping your self over a silly incidence, THAT WOULD REALLY piss-off your Uncle. Remember man, you are the dream of former Slaves.Do your Uncle the honor of accepting HIS love and forgiveness. One day you will laugh togetter at this.
Sorry about the l o n g delays. Love and Respect
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Are you in hospital or on a sick-bed with a lap-top PC????????????
by Sparks inhi, i`m sparks, .
i`m so sorry your stuck in hospital.i do hope your .
not in pain or too uncomfortable...???
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Sparks
oh..Valis, I`m so sorry to hear that man.Knowning your personality from your threads/posts etc..I`m sure you were very close to your Uncle. I do hope your coming to terms with your sad loss. On a more postive note, I`m very pleased your Uncle had you there beside him in his last hours.It`s one of the saddist things to hear is when some-one dies alone, or with no-one at their funeral.But it`s nice to know he had you there, and didn`t leave a lonely person.I can`t think of many benefits being a Jehovah`s witness, but it`s great having plenty visiter`s when your in hospital or sick at home.I assume your uncle was a JW, so I`m also pleased he was sent off with dignity and honor. I do hope you can help fill that empty hole your uncle left in your life and heart with a child that has a part of him [DNA-genes etc..] that will shine through and once again bring you the closeness/happiness your Uncle gave you Valis....
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Are you in hospital or on a sick-bed with a lap-top PC????????????
by Sparks inhi, i`m sparks, .
i`m so sorry your stuck in hospital.i do hope your .
not in pain or too uncomfortable...???
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Sparks
HIi Valis,good to hear from you again..! still skate-bourding around the Kingdom Hall car-park I hope!!!
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Are you in hospital or on a sick-bed with a lap-top PC????????????
by Sparks inhi, i`m sparks, .
i`m so sorry your stuck in hospital.i do hope your .
not in pain or too uncomfortable...???
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Sparks
Hi, I`m Sparks,
How you doing..??? I`m so sorry your stuck in hospital.I do hope your
not in pain or too uncomfortable...??? Which country are you in? I`m English and in England [ ...yeah I know.!!! well some-one has to be here..!!! I think!].
What`s the hospital like your in? The one I was stuck in,( Colditz) ,is where all those cault trying to escape are sent .I was cault tunneling out of WARD 17 other-wise known as Starlag 17.When I was first cault I was subjected to the usal torture of a blanket bath by young-pretty student nurses,it was hell ( the English nurses still ware stockings and suspenders..!!! If you show any signs of pleasure, they get out the ice cubes). After-which I was placed in solitary, out of contact with
the escape-committee.Still it could have been worse;One of the chaps was cault connecting a web-cam to his Lap-top.He then lowered it down from his window to the student-nurses shower window two floors down....He was ice-cubed/cold showered and put on half-rashions for a week of tipical English food ( boiled potatoes,cabbage and mince meat).
Then while in solitary, he was subjected to visits from the hospital vicar and once,to a two hour visit by two young spotty JW pioneers...!!! NO MAN SHOULD BE SUBJECTED TO SUCH TORTURE,this is the year 2004 for goodness sake!!!
[Like me] don`t you just hate these people who say " I wouldn`t want to-be stuck-in here today, it`s a really beautiful day-OUT-SIDE! Here, I brought you some grapes to cheer you up....".
Out-side it`s piss-istantly raining here in England. The sun did come out for ten minutes earlier today;( The telephone switch-bourd at The Minestry of Defence was jammed with calls with people reporting thousands of UFO sightings all over London!!!).
In the USA /Canada and other places it`s hot, Bloody-HOT.People are being bitten by cat flees/dog flees,Mosquito`s and bee`s.People sunbathing are getting skin cancer,and stung by Jelley fish and nibbled by Sharks.....
So your not missing much being in doors! Just,think, you could be sitting in a meeting
listening to some old fart dronning on about how evil television programs are, asking you to read Second Timothy chapter 3 for the million-th time.....!!!
If you have a lap-top,please send in a post so we all here can say "Hi", as we would love to hear from you and send our love etc.. for us unable to visit you in the flesh,I hope the following messages will help make you feel better and help pass the time.
We know and understand you may not feel like saying much, either because your a modest/humble person that doesn`t like to talk about your suffering,or because your in pain; but we here would really like to say hello to you. We look forward to hearing from you.
Kindest regards, Love Sparks -
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THE IDIOT`S GUIDE TO BECOMING A JEHOVAH`S WITNESS
by Sparks inthe idiot`s guide to becoming a jehovah`s witness .
government health warning :the contents of this guide could cause mental illness.possible .
side effects include diarrhoea, dry mouth,constipation,confusion,fast heart rate,hair loss,headache,skin .
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Sparks
Have you NO pity Wallflower!!!?!!!.... well actually, I also accidently ran it through my laminating machine,so I don`t have to use condoms any more..! In the day-time I used to rape it around my neck and tie a Winsor knote in it to save wareing a tie. But then I saw my next door neighbours 18 year old daughter bending over in her mini-skirt.......( I was almost strangled to death..!!!).
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THE IDIOT`S GUIDE TO BECOMING A JEHOVAH`S WITNESS
by Sparks inthe idiot`s guide to becoming a jehovah`s witness .
government health warning :the contents of this guide could cause mental illness.possible .
side effects include diarrhoea, dry mouth,constipation,confusion,fast heart rate,hair loss,headache,skin .
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Sparks
THANKS GUY`S.....This guides coming along nicely thanks to you. PLEASE forgive me for not answering sooner. I `m English, and live in England [ yeah..well sorry about that, but some-one has to live here......I think].So the time zone puts me about five hours ahead of you lot.
DevonMcbride: I agree with you one million per cent, if there was a book like this in the shops, it would save people the suffering of attending boring meeting etc ..to find out about the JWs. Actually theres nothing stoping you trying to get it published. In England theres several new books called " The idiot`s guide to sex" etc...which are sold in the humour section of large book stores.They are pocket size, but have the same covers as the famous Idoiot`s guide to Windows95/98/Me/ XP etc..Gardening/Fishing/etc..; so who knows...??????If you do write it,please mention how many hours a witness spends aweek just being a witness..ie meetings,pre-studying,bible studys,prepairing talks, field-sevice..etc..etc..etc...
TRUTHSEEKER: .....And it`s WONDERFUL to have YOU here....!!!!! " smell Armageddon" that`s a new one on me, I guess it hasn`t spread to England YET...it will--- it will !!!! It`s a perfect example of the crap they come out with though. Thankyou so much.
BIGSHOOTER: All the Brown-noses I`ve met, would have loaned the "R" rated dirty movie to the Elder..!
MOSE:Thanks-man.
THANKYOU ALL SO MUCH, PLEASE keep em coming.........( don`t worry, I can stand pain, I`ve been married........TWICE.....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!).
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Will someone invite you to the memorial?
by JH in.
most of us didn't go to the memorial since years.
do the elders come over once a year to invite you to go, or maybe a friend?.....or do they just ignore you?
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Sparks
Hi suzyque,
WELCOME to the forum.I`m sure you well really enjoy your self here,and make lots of new friends here.One of the great things about it here is that you will gather the strenght to face problems from family, the Elder`s and other witnesses.If there`s any-thing you wish to get personal attention with,I suggest you start your own thread by thinking of a catchy sentence and post. You will then get posts from other people in the same bout as yourself. It`s also good to have communication once again with the out-side world,after being cut off from it, and because you we told not to have associtions, no-doudt you haven`t that many friends now.This very common with people leaving the Troof.But please rest assured,we here already regard you as a friend...part of the family.Please do me a quick favour.Go to the opening page and start a thread saying some-thing like " Newbee says Hi ". [ if you haven`t already done so].Then lots of people will send you a hello/welcome greeting. All the very best Sparks [England]
PS Any need of help/questions, don`t be shy to ask me or ANY-ONE