Mommie Dark:
I do not know your story, I was not able to find it. By your post I am guessing that maybe your father abused you somehow. This makes me very sad. I hope you are able to find peace. When you lose a father, a part of you is gone too.
I really do not know how to express myself too good, but I hope you find comfort and that your pain decreases with time. I will pray for you.