Welcome. I had a similar experience to yours.
My only take on life is that God teaches us to grow, and growing hurts. But the reassuring thing about that is the question, "If God is putting this much effort into keeping me alive and helping me become a better person, can death really be the end of it? Or is death just another growing pain?" I like to think so.
I have also come to the conclusion that the Bible is just a flawed book - spiritual training wheels that eventually become worn out and are discarded in favor of being able to balance yourself.
I never knew that the "thugs" clung to God. I'd be interested to hear more about that.
This board will be greatly improved for your presence.
CZAR