I have to pretend I agree with something I do not
Sadly, this is what being a JW is all about: pretending.
Their belief system is delusional. It is based on fantasy.
Fortunately you have figured that out. Yet it is a disturbing realization, especially at first.
is ok for me to understand things different than the organization and to
reach different conclusions when I analyse some biblical verses.
Yes, it is absolutely ok for you to use your mind!
This isn't what the WT leadership wants, but it is the healthiest thing for you as an individual.
Welcome to the rest of your life.