Real Spirituality had little to do with being an elder. Yes there were prayers, but was there any holy spirit? Rules , meetings and organizational matters...and talks from the co like: are you a theocratic or organization man type of stuff, and mother this and mother that. Good god how people put up with it? Shepherding the flock had but a minor role in our hall it seemed, but if someone got caught or turned in or was whispered about...its meeting time! But all said the congo was for the most part a loving group of people form all walks of life. The oldersisters were always so encouraging to me, many were themselves and didnt hide in masks. Then to be reproved and to leave in disgrace probably not the best way, to say the least, to handle my inner conflict. But we all make mistakes. I was dropped like a stone in the pond. Except for my closest friends. I remember One true friend, an ex elder and seeing the sausage first hand was enough for him and he stepped down, a wise wise decision. He and I and his wife and my ex hit it off, traveling together and dining in and out together. When I was reproved he called me and invited me over. Told me not to worry, the only thing he said in regard to my "sin" was why cigarettes? At least you could of done something more enjoyable like pot! I admitted I hadn't thought of that!
It is at these times, when we are at our lowest point that we find out who our friends are...and for that it was the best thing that could have happened to me... To know who your true friends are, priceless. Another benefit....no more anything except for meetings and service. Scratch that, service...only when forced out the door by the wife. No more lies and no more pretense, it was liberating. By smoking and violating this rule it did to me what i couldnt do for myself, which was to step down and fade out(actually didnt even hear of know of such term till about a month ago). The stress then came from my marriage.
It's amazing how everyone is considered and spoken of as 'friend' in the org, yet so many people, that I observed are lonely, depressed afraid to let down their guard, to express their deep feelings about the one thing that brought us all together...the watchtower inc. prevents a real friendship in my opinion. Friend in the organization is just another example of doublespeak. For example: Would a friend turn you in and thus make your life a living hell with the elders? What are we encouraged to do by the org? In the watchtower inc...you simple never know what level of programming the other has, thus honesty real honesty is something that I found lacking. Yes, its somewhat true, no one in the book study is going to steal your wallet...but if they had a doubt would they speak it? I had a few sisters and only a couple of brothers who expressed slight hesistations about some teaching or the UN involvement. I certainly didn't rat them out, just listened, felt honored they felt I was trustworthy for such expressions...not so with others, as I experienced. Now looking back on the whole absurd comedy of my life in watchtower inc. I can see it clearly now, there are for sure so many who simply are there for family and friends and somehow put up with the intolerable boredom of the mind numbing meetings.
