Hi all. I'm a female JW who has been lurking for a little while but finally has the balls to post something. I am in need of adivce and help. I still feel a little nervous typing out these words on an "apostate" website.
I am a born-in jw, 4th generation. My family is very influential in our hall. We take up a whole row when we are all together! I never progressed farther than giving talks, i am not even an unbaptized publisher. But this beliefs have been rooted into my very core. My parents always tried to inculcate spirtuality in me from a young age, but we were not the ideal family. We did not go out in field service as often as we should have and my parents were hevily involved in their jobs. I don't have many fond memories of the Kingdom Hall, just mean girls and false smiles. I hated going. I would find myself zoning out and eventually stopped singing and commenting all together.
I never really felt bad about my reputation as the "bad-girl" at the hall, as I knew that I NEVER did anything. No dating, no boys, no drugs, no R rated movies, nothing. Mothers feared me and I could see the wariness and apprehensive looks all over their faces when their children would talk to me. I was so different from my jw friends though, who dated around with other jws, watched bad movies and listened to crazy music.
Another thing that really set me apart was my parents view on education. They sent me to a very prestigious high school and always made sure that I knew my stuff. Unfortunately for them, this lent to my crtical attitue and skepticism about the doctrine I was taught. I went off to college, a Catholic school non the less, which wasn't well recieved by members of my congregation. In fact, at the last meeting I attended, I told a sister I was thinking about gradschool just recently and she told me that I was basically at the forked road and hopefully I would choose the path of light. What a turn off.
My boyfriend has been with me for 4 years and still does not have my parents approval simply because he is an unbeliever. He is loyal and loving and respectful and is everything a parent could hope for. But I fear my parents will never truly love him because of his lack of faith. If we were to get married I have no idea how they would recieve it honestly.
While I have never really been concerned with my state as a JW, this year things have taken a turn for the worse. I ate a special brownie, went to the hall and proceeded to have an intense crying fit during one of the songs. I could not contain myself. I felt guilty and sad about everything and broke down during prayer. Is this normal? My mother saw this as a sign that I wanted to repent and come back, I beleive. I hated that I gave my parents false hope.
During the past year I have been in a constant state of paranoia. I fear everything. I lay in bed at night unable to sleep. i constantly thinkabout the state of my soul and if I will live or die. I have gone crazy over conspiracy theories involving the illuminati and evil things and it has utterly consumed my mind. I can't help myself but to reserach and by doing so my thinking only goes further into the darkness. One night, I even thought I heard Jehovah himself talking to me and condeming my behavoir. I swear it was the most lucid dream that I have ever had and still scares me to this day. Of course I went to bed high, but nothing like that has ever happend before. I has seriously been taking a toll on my mental state and I am concerned that I may be depressed. In fact I know I am. I had a mental breakdown the other day over the stress I have been feeling and my fear of evil. My friends noticed how down I was and I began to cry hysterically. The whole expirience was equally traumatic and theraputic as it felt good to actually be voicing my inner anguish.
Aside from that, I told my parents last week, the week before the memorial, that I would not be attending. Tonight was the first time I did not go. I feel good and bad at the same time, but many of you say it gets easier. I told them that I did not know if the truth was for me, but I respected their religion and right to believe. I just wanted to know that they would always love me. They said they would, but that things would change as I got older. Disheartening as it was, I guess that was the best response I could hope for.
I guess all I want to know is that things get better. I would love to hear your thoughts on anything I have to say. No matter how many times you try to explain your previous lifestyle to your non-jw friends they just don't understand how deep these roots really go. Advice is truly appreciated. Thanks. :)
Also, if I could move this thread to the private support section that would be awesome. I didn't realize I could post there.