Posts by Lin

7

Ex-JW looking for help with difficult ex-spouse

by MsJam in

i am an ex jw with two children that i share custody with their father (still a witness) we have become very involved with our church (my new husband and i) the problems we are having deal with birthdays,and all the ususal non-witness activites where my children are concerned.

we do celebrate all birthdays and holidays.

my 7 year old has been spanked and threatened by her father for the mear mention of any of these things.. their father had increasingly become emmotionally distant from them.

Lin

MsJam, I can definitely relate. I have six children with my ex husband, and when I divorced him in '93, he didn't call them or see them for over two years. He didn't pay child support either, because he was angry at me for divorcing him and moving the kids to another state. The kids were in so much pain, it tore my heart apart. When my ex actually schedule a half-way meeting point where I'd drop the kids off with him for a visitation period, a couple times he didn't show up. He lives in Chicago and I live in Texas, so half way was Missouri, so the drive back home with kids crying because their dad didn't pick them up was torturing. I just kept trying to reassure them that their dad loves them very much, and is angry that he can't be with them every day and is having trouble separating the anger from the love he feels for them.

Continue to be there for your kids, reassuring them, letting them know they are loved, as you said.

Also.....document everything. I cannot emphasize that enough, but I kept records of everything, including toll tag receipts when I'd take the kids to Missouri. I kept his hatefilled letters, all the correspondence about visitations, every little piece of documentation you need to hang onto. Get yourself a wide 3-ring binder, and I mean WIDE, 'cause you'll need it. Everything I kept came in very handy when my ex tried to have my kids taken away from me on false charges. I had all the documentation/proof that I needed to prove the charges were false, and the judge had a field day with him. I didn't even have a lawyer, since I was providing for six children all on my own income, I couldn't afford a lawyer, and I had to drive to Chicago for the court dates. I was prepared and ready. He went through three different lawyers on each of the three occasions, with each of his lawyers telling him in front of me not to ever call their office again, and one of them even added the point that my ex really screwed up by messing with me in this way.

Document every little thing. You never know what your ex may attempt, neither did I. But, I was ready and you should be too.

36

Spousal Abuse Thoughts

by DakotaRed in

jw
friends

i have been having an ongoing discussion with a friend about spousal abuse.

she has come to accept and believe that i have never hit a woman in my life, but feels that i am a rarity.

i contend that i am not, that although too many men still hit their wives, they are in the minority.

Lin

Whether or not woman who have been abused by their spouses CHOOSE to stay or not, is a technicality that I don't wish to put on myself, having been abused throughout my previous 15 year marriage. Being slammed against walls, punched in the stomach while five months pregnant with my first child, being pulled by my hair from room to room, kicked, slapped, punched, called horrible names, zero access to the money, woke up many times in the middle of the night with him pulling my pj bottoms off cause he "wanted some" and being entered forcefully, etc. I could go on and on, but I won't.

When these things would occur, and I'd call my Presiding Overseer Father, his immediate response to all of it was, "What did you do to deserve it?!"

When I'd tell my mother about it, she'd run and tell my brothers. No one came over, no one called to ask me if I needed them to come over and help me get away from him. My brothers didn't come over and beat the shit out of him. No one did anything to help me. Oh sure.....the elders came over and counselled him, telling him if he didn't stop treating me this way that he'd be disfellowshipped. Yawn............the elders got to leave, they didn't stay to "face the music" afterwards. My husband would sit there stone faced, with his arms crossed over his chest, and look straight ahead, but not at them or me and wasn't even listening. Fifteen years.............of this.

I left my husband three separate times, and each time my father would track me down. He'd show up and without ever asking me a word of what happened, and why I had left, his first and only words to me were, "Get your butt home where you belong".

The third time I left my husband, I made it extremely difficult for anyone to find me, but my father still managed. He showed up, began to open his mouth to tell me once again to get my butt home yadda yadda, but I stopped him dead in his tracks and told him, "Don't even say it. Don't tell me to get my butt home where I supposedly belong. Don't tell me what to do when you haven't spent two minutes with me finding out why your daughter has left her husband. Don't ask me about the bruises. Don't ask me why I have a tear-stained face. Don't offer to help me in any way. YOU get YOUR butt home where YOU belong!" I then slammed the door in his face and he left in tears.

When you have your own P.O. father telling you to go home, the elders not telling you that you have the choice to leave, no one calling and coming to help you, you DON'T KNOW YOU CAN LEAVE!!!!!! When all you get is "Jehovah hates a divorcing", and no where to turn, and no one to turn to, no job, no real skills since you didn't get to go to college, you find yourself with very limited resources to help yourself. Stay? Of course you stay, especially when you're a jw.

I thoroughly enjoyed the day when I handed my husband my divorce papers. He came at me to hit me, and I fought back and I got him good. It felt great. He cried when I told him I was divorcing him and to get the hell out. He got down on his knees and begged me to forgive him, telling me he'd never do it again. I can't count anymore the number of times he's said that to me over the years. His tears meant nothing, his words meant nothing. I was numb to it all.

I am now happier than I have ever been in all my life. I'm getting married on January 25th to the most wonderful, kind, gentle, loving man I've ever known. When we are pronounced man and wife, I will surprise him by singing the song by Barbara Streisand called, "I've dreamed of you". The words to this song are 100% perfect for me to sing to my new husband, and everyone will probably cry because as I sing the words, they will all know exactly what I am saying. It will be a beautiful day.

Edited by - Lin on 29 November 2002 9:27:32

36

Spousal Abuse Thoughts

by DakotaRed in

jw
friends

i have been having an ongoing discussion with a friend about spousal abuse.

she has come to accept and believe that i have never hit a woman in my life, but feels that i am a rarity.

i contend that i am not, that although too many men still hit their wives, they are in the minority.

Lin

As a woman who went through this personally for fifteen years married to an abusive jw, this really "hits" close to home. I never, before during or after my divorce from him, did I ever have the thought that all or most men were like my ex. I always knew there are many gentle, loving men out there who wouldn't dream of hitting their wife. I am fortunate to have found one such man that I will soon marry. However, abuse is something that I feel is more prevalent then most would think. So many woman hide it out of shame or guilt or whatever, and even their relatives aren't aware, but it's a big problem. Even those who don't actually hit their wives, do just as much damage with their words and tone. It's hard to figure out if one is worse than the other, they are both very painful to experience.

18

Question about reproof

by Sirona in

jw
friends

jehovahs witnesses over on another board are telling me that elders can reprove someone (who sinned and is repentant) privately and that that person does not lose their priveledges.

has anyone here been reproved and kept all their congregation duties?

if so, what does "reproof" actually mean?.

Lin

Fulano, I've personally been involved and have witnesses two-elder judicial hearings, that's why I said "usually three elders".

50

Yet another news interview! Re: Silentlambs

by Valis in

my ear is ringing really loud right now...i just got off the phone w/our very own jesika and she was very excited.

as she proceded to pierce my ear drum she relayed to me that channel 8 news is coming to her house today for an interview...guess what they will be discussing?!!!

it aint the weather that's for sure!.

Lin

Yeah, I saw a little snippet of it this morning, a little teaser. It showed Bill Bowen at a computer scrolling slowly through the SL Home Page showing the 23,000+ in the database. It also showed the sign of the K.H. I can hardly wait!

18

Question about reproof

by Sirona in

jw
friends

jehovahs witnesses over on another board are telling me that elders can reprove someone (who sinned and is repentant) privately and that that person does not lose their priveledges.

has anyone here been reproved and kept all their congregation duties?

if so, what does "reproof" actually mean?.

Lin

Hi Sirona,

Private Reproofth...is when the elders meet with the accused in a private judicial committee, usually with three elders, discuss the allegations and if they deem the accused to be "truly repentant" then they pat them on the back, read some scriptures, yadda yadda yadda and there is no announcement made over the platform. Public Reproofth is when they do the same thing but an announcement is made over the platform saying so-and-so has been Publically Reprovedth.

50

Yet another news interview! Re: Silentlambs

by Valis in

my ear is ringing really loud right now...i just got off the phone w/our very own jesika and she was very excited.

as she proceded to pierce my ear drum she relayed to me that channel 8 news is coming to her house today for an interview...guess what they will be discussing?!!!

it aint the weather that's for sure!.

Lin

Oops I forgot...Jesika emailed me saying that her dad wants to talk to her! Uh-oh, sounds like an attempt at Damage Control for this so called family. I hope she doesn't call him until Wednesday, after the news program. I've told her that I sense a rat and I strongly suggested she not call him right now, cause it's such an interesting coincidence that after all this time he chooses NOW to want to talk to her. Ugh.........

50

Yet another news interview! Re: Silentlambs

by Valis in

my ear is ringing really loud right now...i just got off the phone w/our very own jesika and she was very excited.

as she proceded to pierce my ear drum she relayed to me that channel 8 news is coming to her house today for an interview...guess what they will be discussing?!!!

it aint the weather that's for sure!.

Lin

Valis, yeah I agree. I really wish people like Donahue, Montell, Oprah, etc would take a real keen interest in this and just flood the tv with this crap. It blows my mind that after all the email and letter campaigns that still not enough media coverage is being given. I hope that changes, and soon.

50

Yet another news interview! Re: Silentlambs

by Valis in

my ear is ringing really loud right now...i just got off the phone w/our very own jesika and she was very excited.

as she proceded to pierce my ear drum she relayed to me that channel 8 news is coming to her house today for an interview...guess what they will be discussing?!!!

it aint the weather that's for sure!.

Lin

I got a call a little while ago from Valerie Williams needing to verify some of the things Jesika said in the interview which included me but not by name. Valerie is really shocked at the level of abuse not only in this family but amazed at what she's found in the interview with Bill Bowen. Jesika emailed me a little while ago saying the news piece will be about 6 minutes long and that they're thinking/planning on a larger segment on it, but I don't know how soon.

50

Yet another news interview! Re: Silentlambs

by Valis in

my ear is ringing really loud right now...i just got off the phone w/our very own jesika and she was very excited.

as she proceded to pierce my ear drum she relayed to me that channel 8 news is coming to her house today for an interview...guess what they will be discussing?!!!

it aint the weather that's for sure!.

Lin

Just thought I'd let you know there was a brief mention on Channel 8 yesterday about the upcoming interview at 10:00 Tuesday night. It started with "Don't go to the police, or else..., Yet another religion scandal of child abuse" and then they said to be sure to tune in Tuesday night at 10:00. They didn't show even a short clip or photo or anything, just that little tid bit. So, it looks like the program will definitely air tomorrow night. Bill Bowen was also interviewed for the piece.