Hey everybody -
Thanks so much for all your support. Sometimes things get so convolunded in your head, but when it's down in black & white it's clearer.
so they emotionally manipulate, contol and abuse you and you feel guilty for not letting them do it some more. They get to hurt you and you wind up feeling guilty for trying to protect yourself. And they are angry that you won't let them abuse you. And they are trying to convince you that your supportive husband is the problem.
Yeah, that's basically the story. I don't know how things get so complicated when the kernel of reality is small and simple and clear. You know, when I was talking with my sister today she was attacking me for leaving - basically saying the reason I felt bad was because I didn't have a relationship with Jehovah and that not having the paradise as a hope left me hopelesss. I told her that I didn't need some magical belief that "poof" everything will be perfect instantly, that I have hope in my own efforts, day after day, that I have the strength to become more and better. She got really sarcastic and said something to the effect of "so you're just so strong you can do it all yourself, you sure would never need anybody's help, forget it taking a village to raise a child, you're fine all on your own." Isn't that a bizarre response? I told her yes, I did have hope that I would become better with the very strong support network I have now that I am not a JW. As for the village raising the child, I think about that and I think how ridiculous that is. The whole time my parents used us as emotional whipping boys the "village" just watched and let it happen. When I came to meeting after my parents had a huge fight that ended up with the cops coming (lovely, theocractic picture: early Sunday morning, daughter all dressed for meeting while parents scream and fight upstairs. Four different neighbors call the cops. Daughter opens the door to the police wearing her meeting clothes and lets them in while enraged parents come downstairs to be told how to get along by rather irritated cops.) and the whole congregation had to know I was very upset as I didn't say a word and was on the verge of crying at any instant, but no, nobody dares to say "hey, this isn't right." Nobody ever stuck up for us. You know the one person who did? A man in Fred Meyer once, he came up and told my dad to stop yelling at me. My dad was so taken aback, so startled that somebody would call him on his behavior, that he shut up - at least until we reached the car.
And you know, that is so exactly what's happening about them trying to convince me my husband is the problem. That's what they want to believe, god forbid their little girl should make up her own mind, or decide to leave of her own free will...I think they hate it that my husband doesn't let them pull crap on me. He calls them on it, helps me to see it when it's happening, when before I just rolled over and did anything I could to make them "happy" i.e. not screaming vile things at me. Today when I talked to my sister I started to mention something specific, how I remember my mom telling my dad she'd leave and sell her body on the street to get away from all of us. So she goes upstairs and angrily packs a bag to leave with. My dad talks her out of leaving (after the requisite screaming, throwing things, me having to go hug a mother who looks like she'd like to kill me) and I go upstairs and look through her bag, so relieved there's not a negligee in it so she wasn't really going to go be a prostitute to get away from us. I was what, seven or eight years old? I start telling this to my sister and she doesn't even let me finish. I'm sobbing and trying to get this out, trying to get her to see that a little child shouldn't have to worry that her mother is going to go have sex with strangers to get away from her, and my sister won't even listen, tells me to calm down. It makes me want to cry, just writing this. I love them, and I want a relationship with them someday, but not when I'm this vulnerable. I tried to tell them all that I needed time, and my sister just decided I've had enough time. But she doesn't see that it takes years to get yourself strong, to learn to trust yourself, not just a few months.
I'm so grateful to all of you for your advice. The people on this forum, the people at the NW Apostafest, and the wonderful world of "worldly" people I've met since I've left, they all give me more hope for a way to survive and a future and a life that is worth living than all the pie in the sky the society offered ever did. It takes a village to raise a child she told me, what b.s., maybe it takes a village to let a child be abused and have nothing done about it.
Thank you all for your love and support. It means more than I could ever put into words.
