Hello: (1st time sharing my feelings from experiences from the J.W.'s other than to dear friends, and specialists)
It's been 17 years since I was a part of, the first 15 just a member born into the organization, then, at age 16, decided to dedicate myself, only to be disfellowshipped at 17. As of two weeks ago, it still was an everyday issue for me. Being raised from infancy and having very close family ties, all of which, are members of the congregation, except for one brother, whom I'm not sure will ever recover from the emotional trauma it left due to the loss of such a tie and bond as there was in our family (well still is, just a few short) and it's been 16 years for him. Approxitmately 65 of the 90 members in our congregation were my relatives. It's been said our that congregation came across stricter than others, most likely due to the family issues, Uncles being elders, there becomes a problem when a younger, brother, a newphew is an elder, and needs to reprimand his uncle whom is much older. These kinds of things would arise in our congregation regularly: Pride, lack of love, Sense of belittling, Arrogance present during a reprimanding, Private matters not so private, etc. The elders of my disfellowhipping committee were all relatives, and not less than cornering me with their voices raised, belittling to the point of me running out the room crying to never explain my side.
Now with my relationships and friendships, I'm very good about getting my point across when I'm hurt, or misunderstood. Being unable to stand up for myself for 17 years and my feelings on matters, existing as a programmed piece of equipment, and finally letting relatives of the congregation inform my immediate family to cut off all ties with me at the most important time in my life, was unfair, and I was such an insecure and low self esteemed teenager, I didn't know how to stand up for myself to them, let alone, I didn't even know what I stood for. Trust was not an issue. . .I didn't trust anymore. . .My brother and I have been on and off with psychiatrists, perscribed almost every type of depression and anxiety medication. We are both recovering addicts, my brother spent 5 consecutive years in prison beginning at the age of 17. Self-worth.? . Hard one to bring back. . .we are still rebuilding and sometimes, we start over of we decide not to like it. None of the people that it would mean the most from are going to let us know that we are worth loving and we are great persons. Both of us have had several relationships. We come from a family of very good looking individuals, and my brother and I are fortunate for that. Relationships and friends (superficial) were easy to come by, and easy to leave. My brother and I would at any point we felt like a change, pack things up into our car, and move away, hundreds of miles away.
This is my first time I have actually put a portion of my story on a page in front of me. Nonetheless to go against and speak out of issues of my childhood as a J.W. Is not how I was raised. I have, just as of 2 weeks ago, had some light shed on some teachings I was taught (the holy spirit) , and on some teachings they forgot to teach (free will to choose). That was enough for me. The path for eternal life will be the organization that will not not varying from the word of god never change concepts or meanings of beliefs due to a period of time we live in or because of major issues effecting our world we live in. Each scripture in the bible is a teaching not just certain ones- and no where does it say in the bible-- that persons whom take jesus' advice --to research and examine the scriptures for the absolute evidence of truth and when finding it to be true and unchanging, complete with true testimony of Gods word, to apply the truths and obey the commandments as they teach directly from the bible-- to abstain from such persons, or to disfellowship them, calling them bad association. The individuals responsibe creating for such an organization with such beliefs, that are mind altering as if to take their ability to think for themselves away,lies, etc, they will be held responsible for all the countless lives effected by their selfish, controlling tactics. Those that are active members of Jehovah's Witnesses, and are truly and heartedly, following what they believe to be true in their hearts- raising their children as such i don't think should be held accountable. Most of them came from lives that had major tragedy, or just no- sense of hope, they have a past that they is undesirable to them, and because of the sovereignty they felt in the organizaion soon thereafter learning of it, their lives changed. Those of us raised from youth, per say, only knew what we were being taught, and for some of us, the experiences we shared were as children and or adults, were enough to want to forget our past completely, making it, not easy, but more basis for reason to leave.
Anyways, wow, thanks for reading, I am on fire trying to learn and read the bible again and see it for what it really is, all information or suggestions will be appreciated, I just want to get on with life and with my marriage and my own little family.
Thanks again (sorry for rambling) I am back on track!!!