As to their mental state you have simply got to read the Steve Hassan books esp the latest to at least make some sense of what is going on in their minds and what went on and may still be going on in your own.
The brain-washing BITES deep [excuse the pun].
The frustration and angst among some of you dear folk is so tangible especially you whose life-partners are riding on another set of tracks here. I personally feel for you.
I live in a home where we share the house with another "in" family member and in-law sibling and I have just been told that the house is to go on the market as we cannot co-exist under the same roof [My wife and I are faded but not DF-ed] So my life after 6 decades must now be uprooted and we have to start all over again because we are not acceptable. This person flat out refuses to discuss any of the differences - "you will not change me even though you are trying" - Well I am not trying to change the person - I am just asking them to consider where and why we are where we are at this point in time. Bashing my head with a brick will be more pleasurable at this stage.