To help put things in perspective, it may be helpful to know that people leaving other groups deal with the very same issues. I've found some interesting stories on exmormon.org. Here are a few quotes:
"Until a person leaves Mormonism, they have no idea how painful it can be. When I left Mormonism (the last and final time) I was filled with fear and guilt. I was angry at a huge religion that had taken so much of my time, energy and money for so many years. I wrote my letter asking to be removed from the records of the church and was asked to come to what I call an exit interview. Actually it was a summons to my excommunication. I asked ... "How can you excommunicate me when I already quit?"
"We officially left the church in March of 1994 through a letter requesting our names be removed from the church records. Since that time, in all too typical mind control like fashion, members of the church have avoided us. The Regional Representative even came up from Alabama and spoke out against us in a Sacrament meeting three weeks after we left and told the members that if they ever talk to us or if we give them materials, they are to contact their Bishop. Only an organization that had something to hide would be paranoid about the truth being revealed about itself. It is interesting that we would be considered such a threat. We had done nothing except request our names be removed from the records of the church. That was all. We learned that we really had few friends within Mormonism."
"After he has taken his vows as a priest, how shall he dare to violate them? He knows that if he loses his faith on a mission--in other words, if he dares to make any inquiry into the authenticity of the mission which he is performing--he becomes a deserter from God in the very ranks of battle. He knows that he will be held forever in dishonor among his people; that he will be looked upon as one worse than dead; that he will ruin his own life and despoil his parents of all their eternal comfort and their hope in him." From, "Under the Prophet in Utah," Frank J. Cannon and Harvey J. O'Higgins.
"It has been difficult to get past the idea that if I'm wrong (about leaving the church), my eternal salvation is at risk. It has been difficult as I have watched my friends walk away."
"I wrote down some thoughts about the Mormon perspective. This has helped me see why it is so difficult to leave the LDS Church. These points are all official doctrines of the Church and perspectives that are regularly ingrained into the membership:
(From his list:)
"Anything written by a former Mormon must be false or, at best, unreliable. Bottom line, you believe that former Mormons have evil intentions."
"Former Mormons leave the Church because of serious sin. Those who leave the Church in reality know that the Church is true and are liars just like the Book of Mormon anti-Christs."
"Not we, but you" are "evil." Again, on the surface, Mormonism wants you to believe that you are still an individual, but when their Words fail, the disappointed one is accused of self aggrandizement ... of even being above those who are above you ... self assertion becomes "aggression" against the members of the Flock; you became the exception, therefore, you are "guilty."
"Today, I still attend church periodically with my wife and children. The bishop, my friends and my family know where I stand. I don't hide my beliefs from anyone who asks. I don't allow home teachers in my home because I'm tired of being treated like a sick patient by them."
"The bishop called me in for an interview just a few weeks ago. He told me he was inspired to call me as the gospel doctrine teacher for our ward. I declined and he of course asked me why. I repeated to him many of the questions that I have shared in this letter and he had no answers other than the standard cop outs that I refuse to accept, such as "God's ways are not man's ways" and "someday we will know the answers to these questions". He cautioned me from doing to much critical thinking and said we had to "live by faith alone". I'm sorry, but if there is a god and he created me with my brain, I expect that he would expect me to use it..."He then went on to threaten me with a "disastorous event in my life or in the life of one of my family members that would bring me to my knees and back, weeping to the church" if I didn't repent and come back willingly ... [he went] From concern to the lowest form of manipulation."
"Mormonism keeps its hold by suggesting that the elect will discount the assaults on logic, and remain faithful. Obedience, worship, and sublimation of will are the earthly tests for eternal companionship with the Cosmic terrorist known as Eloheim. Mormons are fighting for your eternal soul, and in the process, they cause many people to experience a loss in the richness of the here and now of this life."
(His decision to leave the mission field through the regular channels:) "The mission assistants ...tried to persuade me to stay. ...I couldn't explain all my doubts to them, but simply told them I didn't believe and I couldn't be a missionary any more. They didn't understand..."We returned the next day because President Lee wanted to speak with me on the telephone. The missionaries that had been friendly and cajoling the day before were stone faced and tense. A definite wall had gone up between us. President Lee called ... He started with reminding me all that Jesus Christ had done for me, he lived and died for me -- and now I was turning my back on him, and kicking dust in his face. That's what he kept saying over and over -- that I was kicking dust in the face of Jesus Christ. That hurt -- but what could I say?...He asked me why I was leaving -- and I told him. He didn't believe me -- told me that that was just and excuse. Wanted to know why. He couldn't accept that I just didn't believe in what I was doing. He said that Satan had led my father away, and through my father was leading me away...He told me that I was making things worse. He warned me against planning on repenting later, that I was almost throwing away my chance to go to the Celestial Kingdom and become a God.
....Events took a definite turn for the worse. He said "It sounds like your mind is already made up -- before you even talked to me." I said "I think it is President." He then said something that still rings in my head -- and will for a long time. "Elder Hudson, by the authority of the Melchezedic Priesthood, and in the name of Jesus Christ, I command you not to leave the mission. And if you do, something will happen." Stunned, I flatly said "What?" (pause) "I'm not telling you Elder, and I say it in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen." Click....My brain exploded and my soul cried out that this was wrong. This shouldn't be happening. The only thing this man of God had used to "persuade" me to stay were guilt and fear. I told the assistants what had happened, and they were stunned. They said I must have misunderstood."
"Once I made my break with the church, I thought that I should not "hide away." On the contrary, I intended to meet with all of my Mormon friends, family and leaders ... answer their questions straightforwardly and bluntly. I wanted to accept their right to their own beliefs and would consider their views. I only hoped that in return my views might be treated with equal respect. This was quite naive on my part. All future communication "elevated" itself to an official level and became a sort of "one-way street." They felt free to bear their testimony ...but responded angrily when I would bear mine. They crossed my beliefs and I respected their difference of opinion. When I stated my beliefs then "I was trying to hurt people."
Hope this helps.
M.J.
