i went to my dr. today because my blood pressure was really high.
156/106 and my meds weren't helping to lower it.
can you get over depression without meds?
Honey, I'm right there with you. My BP is 161/110 and I'm in my early 20's. It's most likely Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for me. I haven't been able to afford to go to a doctor yet.
I do have BP medicine which helps a bit, but it's still a struggle just to get out of bed every day.
If you want to talk, send me a PM, I'll be happy to give you a listening ear. We all need someone who understands.
someone you know----
aspiration
this might be funny to some people but i really feel that the reason that jw's and born again christians hate each other so much is because they are so much alike.
they see themselves in each other.
i have been on both sides of the spectum and believe me all of the born-agains that post on this site are more like jw's then they want to admit to themselves.
Iam good...no Iam bad......Iam good no Iam bad.......Jesus loves me...not you.......Jesus loves me not you.....Jesus is coming to get me...no you.....Jesus is coming.........Oh JESUS!
LOL-It almost reads as if Jesus does pornos.
aspiration
god, i've been in a "fluff" mood lately!
so, what's your favorite alcoholic beverage?
mine: raspberry stoli cosmopolitan.
Guinness, Guinness and more Guinness.
aspiration
i spent long years of my life in pain.
deep emotional pain.
i prayed for god to help me but he never came.
I believe we did try to be good, but just because that effort was not rewarded does not take away from us. I believe there was a spark inside each of us that craved more than we received and when we did not get that from the people who should have given it to us freely and with joy, we set out on our own and made it for ourselves.
I just had to talk about this, too. As a kid, I was good. And the better I behaved, the more insidious my father became about picking out my 'sins' so I could be 'punished'. Being swung around the room by your arms and then let go so you run into something--I just never realised how sick it was at the time. I was just surviving, trying to be a good kid, still doing kid things that are irritating, but didn't deserve the treatment I got.
I was so scared of the bastard I used to hurt myself by kicking things, running into things, falling down the stairs (just rememberd that one), so that he wouldn't kick my ass. I broke every toe on my right foot during that time, because I was kicking things as hard as I could on purpose, so that he would consider myself punished, since it was worse than he would have done himself. In his mind, I 'sinned', and I punished myself, which saved him some work.
It's just sickening to remember. Know what? Being given what we should have would have been wonderful. And the rewards would be as great for the parent, as it would for the child.
aspiration.
i spent long years of my life in pain.
deep emotional pain.
i prayed for god to help me but he never came.
I think a lot of people find it hard to imagine real evil. Most of us who have been abused have seen it in the eyes of our abusers.
Wow, Lee. Did you and I grow up together? I had nothing half as traumatic as you, but I'm right there with you.
My abusers never looked me in the eye. They looked at body parts - to hurt or hit but not me. I was a tool for them to unleash their self-hatred, powerlessness and rage.
Again, I remember that wild-eyed, crazy haired look of rage, complete rage. That sense that they had Satan himself in them, and they were there for more of my sanity.
But I looked them in the eye - before and after. I saw the powerlessness before. I saw the evil and slef-hatred during. And I saw the rage after as if to blame me for their lack of control.
Jesus. You just painted me a portrait of my father.
So often as victims we carry those things for them. It's as if by their act they displace those feelings and put them on the child. Not knowing any better we carry it. Recovery for me is about giving it back. It is about searching inside to those backened dark corners of my soul and finding those things that are not authentically me. And cleaning them out.
Just started on this. Very tough. Very, very tough. It's so easy to slip back into the way of deying it, or just 'letting it go' essentially ignoring it, and demeaning the experience for the sake of 'comfort'. I just didn't know that later on, it would come back and haunt me anyway. Thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown, or go crazy. When I realised it was the 'old problem', I almost wanted to cry with relief.
Each poem I write, each bit of prose is a cleansing for me of things that are not me. And sometimes I am left with a hole that needs to be filled in place of what is cleaned out.
Definitely.
Getting support and validation helps to fill the hole with something healthy and positive. It replaces all those displaced feelings and beliefs about who I am. Accepting new beliefs about myself roots out the darkened palces and fills those empty spaces
Validation. That's a big one for me. I never thought it was that big a deal, seeing that people like you had it so much worse. But someone said to me yesterday as I started cleaning a bit---it was that bad. I swear, it was one of the nicest things I ever heard. I wasn't just being a complainer, or digging up the past for a pity-party. I was so screwed up by it, that it was effecting my life years later, though in my personal life is heaven now. It's really hard to go back and remember the man, that crazy violent man.
Great thread, Lee.
aspiration
hi.. i am a long time member of the board, but i am too embarrassed to put this under my username.
if people 'discover' who this is, please keep it to yourselves.
simon, my apologies, but please understand why i created the username.
Thanks again everyone. I am reading all of the posts, and will reply to them tomorrow morning. I'm pretty tired, and am going to hit the sack soon.
have a good night everyone,
aspiration
hi.. i am a long time member of the board, but i am too embarrassed to put this under my username.
if people 'discover' who this is, please keep it to yourselves.
simon, my apologies, but please understand why i created the username.
waiting, kg, bitter, thank you.
Alan, thanks for the words and your contact info. If I need to, I'll give you a ring.
been,
You can not be there for your wife whom you love and care for.....where can she go if not to you.
You see, this isn't the problem. I actually am more acutely aware of her now. I still function on that level. It's just that when I'm left to myself, I feel lost, gone. When she's around, I can fuction, even laugh. But even if she leaves the room, a strange despair begins. I really only trust her, but I am not the kind of person to keep someone locked up just because I want them there.
But, you're right on the money here
the light is there and there are many hands here reaching down to give you a hand up, just keep talking so we know where you are.
I've seen that today, even with people who didn't know who I really am. It's comforting to know that people have a little more experience than me in matters like this, and that it can me remedied in many different ways.
The biggest thing I need is someone stronger/wiser than me to take my hand for a bit, just a little while. This would help a lot I think.
Thanks again everyone.
asp
hi.. i am a long time member of the board, but i am too embarrassed to put this under my username.
if people 'discover' who this is, please keep it to yourselves.
simon, my apologies, but please understand why i created the username.
Thanks again everyone. I'll be contacting some more of you. I'm a very cautious person, and I want to know where I'm going before I do something.
The thing is, I after my second post as my alter ego, I felt like such an ass. I deplore asking for assistance, even if it's just advice. I hate not knowing what to do. I was sitting on the couch, reading the paper and getting angrier and angrier at myself for posting this. Made me feel better that I was anonymous, though.
Big Tex, I'll be sending a message your way soon.
And Shamus,
great advice, and when I read this
It's NOT your fault.
I thought of one of the final scenes from Good, Will Hunting. Don't know why that matters, but it's comforting for some reason.
lyin, biker, cass, all you others, thanks. Remember, I'm leaning on you guys, just for the few seconds I'm reading the posts. It's nice, and I think I'll try it more often.
aspiration
hi.. i am a long time member of the board, but i am too embarrassed to put this under my username.
if people 'discover' who this is, please keep it to yourselves.
simon, my apologies, but please understand why i created the username.
Thanks for the replies, everyone. I'm struggling mightily with this, I even had trouble talking about this anonymously.
I just want to be able to pick up the phone when my friends call me. I haven't talked to one friend in months because I just don't have the energy to talk anymore.
Thanks for your valuable advice. I will call my doctor in a bit, and make an appointment.
ladylee,
I acutally have had some medical tests this year, and for the most part, shows that I'm as healthy as a horse. Who knows, though?
Everyone,
thank you so much. I'll be emailing some of you in a bit. I'd like to get a handle on this thing.
aspiration
hi.. i am a long time member of the board, but i am too embarrassed to put this under my username.
if people 'discover' who this is, please keep it to yourselves.
simon, my apologies, but please understand why i created the username.
Hi.
I am a long time member of the board, but I am too embarrassed to put this under my username. If people 'discover' who this is, please keep it to yourselves. Simon, my apologies, but please understand why I created the username. I really want to keep this anonymous, and this messageboard can be pretty damned valuable at times. I just don't think I could talk about this if people know who I was, which includes talking about this with someone in person. Thanks, simon.
I was a JW, but have been out for years. I have friends and family on the board, so I don't want them to know how I'm feeling. I'm known as the strong one, (mentally), and it's embarrassing to talk about this with them.
I really don't know what I'm dealing with right now. I'm calling it depression, but I don't know if it's that. I just can't seem to get out of bed anymore. I don't want to leave my house. I'm having trouble going to work, although I enjoy my job. I love my wife, and we have a great relationship, but I just don't feel anything anymore. I feel dead. I used to love nature, reading books, writing. I used to have a voracious appetite for knowledge, now I have trouble watching the simplest sitcom on TV. I haven't been to work in a couple of days. I'm almost afraid to get out of bed. I feel totally and completely exhausted. My body and mind seem empty, like the gas just ran out and I'm stranded on a road in a desert. I drink all of the time now, a symptom of what I've been feeling for a long time.
The drinking really does nothing except affect my own perceptions. In fact, I find that I am much more positive and industrious when I drink, which I believe is classic alcoholism. My wife likes it when I drink, because I am much more calm, and can find the gumption to get off the couch. I complain less, and for a while I escape the banter of the world (again, classic alcohlism). I am normally a pretty balanced person, and treat my wife and family with respect, no matter what kind of inebriated state I'm in. In fact, most of the time, they can't tell when I've been drinking. I just feel different in my mind. It seems like, at least for the time that I'm drunk, I feel normal again, like I did when I was a kid. I feel warm, the sun looks like it used to, the books I have seem readable again. I feel young. Still, I'd prefer not to drink, and find some alternative method to rid myself of what I'm feeling. I don't want my liver to turn into swiss cheese. (and yes, I did feel this way before I started drinking.)
I don't feel suicidal, because I've been there and I know what that's like. I also dealt with severe depression in my youth, and what I'm feeling right now feels nothing like that.
I'm over my JW issues, so I don't think that's the problem. I don't even think about it. My home life and extended family life is pretty good. No complaints there. The job is a pain at times, but it is good work and I am highly respected there. But, I just can't seem to do anything that pleases me anymore.
As for my relationships with other people, I can't say I have one negative relationship. Everyone in my life values me, and has come to lean on me. I work very hard to please them, to make sure that they are happy. I am dreadfully worried that my wife will find out about this, and it will make her sick with worry. You see, she is not entirely emotionally stable; she has many issues, and I am the one thing that roots her. If she feels she can't turn to me for help, then I don't know who she would turn to. She has attempted suicide in the past, which is a concern of mine. I never want her to feel that way again, and I will do whatever it takes to make sure of that. Telling her about my weakness will not help her. I would rather go around feeling destroyed for the rest of my life than upset her. I love that woman.
Still, one of the problems is that now that the JW fight is over, now that JWs play no role in my life, I feel dead. It's like the feeling described in All Quiet on the Western Front, after the main character comes home from battle. He feels alien, like the purposes he used to have were unimportant and dead, and the only thing material is the battle.
I am wondering if anyone on the board can give me some advice, thoughts, on taking drugs like Paxil, or how therapy works (if it works). I can and do go months without a drink, so don't suggest AA. It's just lately that I've had no enjoyment beyond the bottle. Besides, I am an athiest, and the garbage that AA spews out would just make me angry. I want to get to the root cause of my problems, not just deal with the symptoms.
I just feel like my body and soul are exhausted. All of my former inspiration is gone. I feel like a marionette with broken strings.
If anyone has anything to say, please do. And if the naysayers could stay off the thread, I'd appreciate it. Comments along the lines of "pull yourself together" are not necessary. I already tell that to myself 100 times a day. It doesn't work, although I didn't do an acutal study on the matter.
I've come to respect a whole lot of you on this board over the several years I've been here, and would value your advice.
Aspiration
