a while ago i posted an essay "why do we tell our stories?
" http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/forum/thread.aspx?id=32755&site=3 this is why we wait so long to do that.
in the world victims remain quiet about abuse.
Some children believe that if they tolerate the abuse they can protect others in the family.
This is what I believed in my family, and to a point, this was true. As long as my abuser was focusing on me, then I didn't have to worry about the other kids being abused. Of course, once I moved out of the house, the abuse started for one of the younger ones, albeit on a more subdued level than it was with me. It will continue until something drastic is done to stop it.
aspiration
i went to my dr. today because my blood pressure was really high.
156/106 and my meds weren't helping to lower it.
can you get over depression without meds?
Honey, I'm right there with you. My BP is 161/110 and I'm in my early 20's. It's most likely Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for me. I haven't been able to afford to go to a doctor yet.
I do have BP medicine which helps a bit, but it's still a struggle just to get out of bed every day.
If you want to talk, send me a PM, I'll be happy to give you a listening ear. We all need someone who understands.
someone you know----
aspiration
this might be funny to some people but i really feel that the reason that jw's and born again christians hate each other so much is because they are so much alike.
they see themselves in each other.
i have been on both sides of the spectum and believe me all of the born-agains that post on this site are more like jw's then they want to admit to themselves.
Iam good...no Iam bad......Iam good no Iam bad.......Jesus loves me...not you.......Jesus loves me not you.....Jesus is coming to get me...no you.....Jesus is coming.........Oh JESUS!
LOL-It almost reads as if Jesus does pornos.
aspiration
god, i've been in a "fluff" mood lately!
so, what's your favorite alcoholic beverage?
mine: raspberry stoli cosmopolitan.
Guinness, Guinness and more Guinness.
aspiration
i spent long years of my life in pain.
deep emotional pain.
i prayed for god to help me but he never came.
I believe we did try to be good, but just because that effort was not rewarded does not take away from us. I believe there was a spark inside each of us that craved more than we received and when we did not get that from the people who should have given it to us freely and with joy, we set out on our own and made it for ourselves.
I just had to talk about this, too. As a kid, I was good. And the better I behaved, the more insidious my father became about picking out my 'sins' so I could be 'punished'. Being swung around the room by your arms and then let go so you run into something--I just never realised how sick it was at the time. I was just surviving, trying to be a good kid, still doing kid things that are irritating, but didn't deserve the treatment I got.
I was so scared of the bastard I used to hurt myself by kicking things, running into things, falling down the stairs (just rememberd that one), so that he wouldn't kick my ass. I broke every toe on my right foot during that time, because I was kicking things as hard as I could on purpose, so that he would consider myself punished, since it was worse than he would have done himself. In his mind, I 'sinned', and I punished myself, which saved him some work.
It's just sickening to remember. Know what? Being given what we should have would have been wonderful. And the rewards would be as great for the parent, as it would for the child.
aspiration.
i spent long years of my life in pain.
deep emotional pain.
i prayed for god to help me but he never came.
I think a lot of people find it hard to imagine real evil. Most of us who have been abused have seen it in the eyes of our abusers.
Wow, Lee. Did you and I grow up together? I had nothing half as traumatic as you, but I'm right there with you.
My abusers never looked me in the eye. They looked at body parts - to hurt or hit but not me. I was a tool for them to unleash their self-hatred, powerlessness and rage.
Again, I remember that wild-eyed, crazy haired look of rage, complete rage. That sense that they had Satan himself in them, and they were there for more of my sanity.
But I looked them in the eye - before and after. I saw the powerlessness before. I saw the evil and slef-hatred during. And I saw the rage after as if to blame me for their lack of control.
Jesus. You just painted me a portrait of my father.
So often as victims we carry those things for them. It's as if by their act they displace those feelings and put them on the child. Not knowing any better we carry it. Recovery for me is about giving it back. It is about searching inside to those backened dark corners of my soul and finding those things that are not authentically me. And cleaning them out.
Just started on this. Very tough. Very, very tough. It's so easy to slip back into the way of deying it, or just 'letting it go' essentially ignoring it, and demeaning the experience for the sake of 'comfort'. I just didn't know that later on, it would come back and haunt me anyway. Thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown, or go crazy. When I realised it was the 'old problem', I almost wanted to cry with relief.
Each poem I write, each bit of prose is a cleansing for me of things that are not me. And sometimes I am left with a hole that needs to be filled in place of what is cleaned out.
Definitely.
Getting support and validation helps to fill the hole with something healthy and positive. It replaces all those displaced feelings and beliefs about who I am. Accepting new beliefs about myself roots out the darkened palces and fills those empty spaces
Validation. That's a big one for me. I never thought it was that big a deal, seeing that people like you had it so much worse. But someone said to me yesterday as I started cleaning a bit---it was that bad. I swear, it was one of the nicest things I ever heard. I wasn't just being a complainer, or digging up the past for a pity-party. I was so screwed up by it, that it was effecting my life years later, though in my personal life is heaven now. It's really hard to go back and remember the man, that crazy violent man.
Great thread, Lee.
aspiration
hi.. i am a long time member of the board, but i am too embarrassed to put this under my username.
if people 'discover' who this is, please keep it to yourselves.
simon, my apologies, but please understand why i created the username.
Thanks again everyone. I am reading all of the posts, and will reply to them tomorrow morning. I'm pretty tired, and am going to hit the sack soon.
have a good night everyone,
aspiration
hi.. i am a long time member of the board, but i am too embarrassed to put this under my username.
if people 'discover' who this is, please keep it to yourselves.
simon, my apologies, but please understand why i created the username.
waiting, kg, bitter, thank you.
Alan, thanks for the words and your contact info. If I need to, I'll give you a ring.
been,
You can not be there for your wife whom you love and care for.....where can she go if not to you.
You see, this isn't the problem. I actually am more acutely aware of her now. I still function on that level. It's just that when I'm left to myself, I feel lost, gone. When she's around, I can fuction, even laugh. But even if she leaves the room, a strange despair begins. I really only trust her, but I am not the kind of person to keep someone locked up just because I want them there.
But, you're right on the money here
the light is there and there are many hands here reaching down to give you a hand up, just keep talking so we know where you are.
I've seen that today, even with people who didn't know who I really am. It's comforting to know that people have a little more experience than me in matters like this, and that it can me remedied in many different ways.
The biggest thing I need is someone stronger/wiser than me to take my hand for a bit, just a little while. This would help a lot I think.
Thanks again everyone.
asp
hi.. i am a long time member of the board, but i am too embarrassed to put this under my username.
if people 'discover' who this is, please keep it to yourselves.
simon, my apologies, but please understand why i created the username.
Thanks again everyone. I'll be contacting some more of you. I'm a very cautious person, and I want to know where I'm going before I do something.
The thing is, I after my second post as my alter ego, I felt like such an ass. I deplore asking for assistance, even if it's just advice. I hate not knowing what to do. I was sitting on the couch, reading the paper and getting angrier and angrier at myself for posting this. Made me feel better that I was anonymous, though.
Big Tex, I'll be sending a message your way soon.
And Shamus,
great advice, and when I read this
It's NOT your fault.
I thought of one of the final scenes from Good, Will Hunting. Don't know why that matters, but it's comforting for some reason.
lyin, biker, cass, all you others, thanks. Remember, I'm leaning on you guys, just for the few seconds I'm reading the posts. It's nice, and I think I'll try it more often.
aspiration
hi.. i am a long time member of the board, but i am too embarrassed to put this under my username.
if people 'discover' who this is, please keep it to yourselves.
simon, my apologies, but please understand why i created the username.
Thanks for the replies, everyone. I'm struggling mightily with this, I even had trouble talking about this anonymously.
I just want to be able to pick up the phone when my friends call me. I haven't talked to one friend in months because I just don't have the energy to talk anymore.
Thanks for your valuable advice. I will call my doctor in a bit, and make an appointment.
ladylee,
I acutally have had some medical tests this year, and for the most part, shows that I'm as healthy as a horse. Who knows, though?
Everyone,
thank you so much. I'll be emailing some of you in a bit. I'd like to get a handle on this thing.
aspiration
