by susank 30 Replies latest watchtower beliefs
Dating a JW will be a HUGE pain in the ass. These people have more hang ups than a coat hanger. Even if he does get out of the Dub's he'll have residual issues for years to come. For your sake, run away and find a nice normal man. This unemployed cultist cannot be worth the headache.
GBL
Well you still have your brain in tact so that's a good thing
He wanted me to research the religion. I've been scared and disturbed by many of the things I've found out (I just did a web search on 'Jehovah's Witnesses' and found a lot of information that probably isn't what he had in mind when he told me to research it.) I found this site and have read hundreds of the posts here trying to figure out how to read this person and what is really going on in his head.
Godd for you. Do your homework. And yes you will find a lot that should really concern you.
1) This person has been a JW his whole life, is baptized, and goes to all of the meetings and the 'conventions' that people travel to, so I'm pretty sure he is 'hard core'. But he downplays it a lot, and also seems to do some things that I've learned he shouldn't be doing (associating with me for example). Is this normal for people who really do 'believe' and are 'hard core' or might he really not believe it all so much? I can't really get a straight answer.
JWs are taught that only certain people have a "right" to certain information. Non-beleivers have no rights to information that active JWs have. Since he is walking with one foot in and one foot out he will have trouble accepting responsibility for his fence-sitting. He knows what he is doing is unacceptable behavior and could get him into trouble. Just as he is fense-sitting to you he is doing the same on the other side. There can be no real honesty here.
2) When we have discussions about 'religious' issues, the way he explains and justifies his views seems messed up and illogical. I question him on these issues and try to point out the illogic and inconsistencies. Then he kind of agrees that it seems to not make sense and then changes the subject. Is that the normal way JWs deal with it when people point this stuff out? He doesn't really try to argue or even disagree with me, just kind of moves on. So I don't know if he's seeing my point at all or just tuning it out?
JWs have enormous pressure put on them to conform. It is a hard and strict lifestyle. Even those who have doubts about the JWs will defend it. These are programmed responses. They are systematically taught how to defend thr beliefs. It goes on auto-pilot when asked a question. One problem with this type of programming and defence is that when asked a question that is logical they have no answer. He will tune out.
3) This person is unemployed, broke, and not interested in working. He believes that he shouldn't have to work to make money. This bothers me, is this a normal attitude among JWs? Also some of the posts I've read here about money also worry me, because I am fairly well off (I work), not rich or anything but I'm comfortable. If he doesn't want to work, and also he has a family that is poor, I am worried about being wiped out by these people even though he says money isn't important. I don't know if my concerns here are justified or not.
JW teachings consider working in this world a useless activity. They are encouraged to work just enough to meet their basic needs and spend all the rest of their time preaching. It sounds like he doesn't even want to do that much. Ask yourself this question: In ten years do I want to have a couple of kids that he drags off to meetings and he does nothing to support his family while he goes out banging on doors? That includes no holidays, no after school activities, no friends outside the congregation.
4) This person seems to hate most people (even his own family and they are all JWs too), and is very harsh and judgemental of others. But he doesn't act that way with me and he has a few other "worldly" friends who he also treats nicely. But many of the people he hates are people who haven't done anything wrong, so I don't understand this either.
Without a doubt one day you will be part of that group. He has to be nice to you and his other friends. You are all he has if he hates his family. But more worrying to me is that if this is the attitude he has towards others then I would strongly suspect this is how he feels about himself.
I'm not sure what I'm even asking here. I am just uneasy in my heart about allot of things, and some of the things that I have learned in my own research about all of this really scare me. This person is usually good and kind to me, and he sort of downplays the whole JW thing, but I've read so many horror stories that I can't help wonder if it's all some kind of trick or trap. I realize none of you know this guy personally and maybe it's different for every person, but if any of this stuff is standard JW behavior that you recognize as being bad news, I would appreciate any thoughts or advice.
Please listen to what you are saying. Your feelings are telling you something is wrong. They say the best predictor of future bahavior is past behavior. If he cannot be really honest with you now, then there is little or no reason to think he will change.
Sadly this is very typical of JWs who are trying to live two lives. I suggest you take a good look in some of the discussions in the link below.
Welcome susank -
4) This person seems to hate most people (even his own family and they are all JWs too), and is very harsh and judgemental of others. But he doesn't act that way with me and he has a few other "worldly" friends who he also treats nicely. But many of the people he hates are people who haven't done anything wrong, so I don't understand this either.
The religion of JW's teaches extreme judgmentalism. The way one dresses, the church one attends, the friends one has, the education one possesses. All these are reasons to judge people in that group.
They have been taught [read brainwashed] to ignore the feelings and thoughts of others in favor of knowing that God will destroy them all if not witnesses at Armegeddon. They are taught that God is a manevolent God, and that he judges based on what religion you are instead of what you are.
I was a witness all my life [nearly 50 years] and did not fully understand how judgmental I was until I finally left. He prob doesn't know how to not be judgmental at this point.
Jeff
if you are maybe thinking that jws are after your money and you will be pressed into parting with it then you can stop worrying about that cos it wont happen
frankly by the sound of your description of the guy then he may well be a bigger concern
its so not worth it regardless of hie religious beliefs
welcome!
i think your true heart comes thru.....your not describing a very nice person and you are seeing some real problems with his personality that may conflict with your own standards. listen to your heart!
Thank you all very much for your replies. I think I did know in my heart allready that this isn't really workable, but it is helpful to hear that from others, especially those who have 'been there'.
This man leads a miserable and messed up life, mostly because of the JW religion in my opinion, and I had dreams of 'fixing' all of that and it all being OK in the end. Maybe I can still help him somehow, but I'm not sure he wants to be helped and I am just too scared to get any deeper and so I will have to think about that some more.
I am very sorry for all the pain and the troubles you all have gone through because of this religion. You are good and wonderful people to come here and help others like you do. Thank you.
***Also, I have edited my post to ask one more question: Do JWs who are as involved as this man seems to be lead a 'double life' because they don't really believe in the JWs and maybe want to get out? That is one part of all this that I can't understand, and he won't even admit that he's doing it really but it seems like he is. I have assumed it means he wants out but is just afraid, but now I am not sure. I still don't understand it though.
An intelligent woman with a job and some financial security. A guy with no job, no prospects, no motivation and is exceedingly judgmental. I think his religious affiliation, while another red flag, is the least of your worries! Be careful, move slowly and good luck. Choose wisely... Robert
Delusional, I believed I could cure it all for you, dear.... Coax or trick or drive or, d rag the demons from you. Make it right for you sleeping beauty. Truly thought, I could magically heal you....
Sleeping Beauty,
Poisoned and hopeless
Man I wish I could get this formating right.
You know that as women we are taught to ignore those "feelings" that gut feeling that something is not right.
You said
I am just too scared to get any deeper
Listen well. As ex-JWs we know how damaging this religion can be. Damaging to the heart, the mind, and the soul.
Just like an alcoholic can't be fixed by others the JW can't be fixed by others, he has to do the hard work himself.
It sounds to me like you can do way better for yourself
Do JWs who are as involved as this man seems to be lead a 'double life' because they don't really believe in the JWs and maybe want to get out?
I don't think so. Nearly all JW's do this. I think you have to have "two minds" to survive in the Organization. Their standards are just too impossible. So you have the man who suits up for the meeting and pastes the smile on, and then there's the man who wants to "fit in" while flirting with the world. Really, it's the only way to survive while in.
The sincere ones usually end up leaving because their internal ethics can't reconcile the reality of living in the Organization.
