by telltruth 51 Replies latest jw friends
Hey there,
Your girlfriend is caught in a mind controling cult. You are probably in for a living nightmare dating a JW. Sorry to be so blunt. These people have heaps and heaps of issues, excuses and denial's. My advice is to run away.
Any specific questions?
GBL
gbl. that is the blunt i am looking for. thank you. such a wonderful person, could never run from her or wash my hands. i suspect as a result of our time together she is developing some ideas of HER OWN, i think she wants out but is too afraid of parents, elders 'etc to make any wrong move. she has been subtle in even mentioning these things to me, but they are there. i want to be prepared as possible for her when she leaves.i know that there will be very hard times for her ahead and will do whatever i can to assist. i just feel so alone in my research.
i have always known jw=cult, just didn't know how controlling. any more info on there techniques for controll other than the obvious fear,guilt,shame? i can readilly see the affect these have had on her, but what else?
Tell truth.
Ok, we get a guy like you about once every two weeks. I would go with the other guys advice. Run. If you marry this woman you will be expected to join, and your children will be expected to join. They are right so there is no compromise. They are right, and you are wrong. Find another woman. They are everywhere. She can't be that hot.
Still here?
1. Don't criticize the org. Only ask questions. Never imply through your questions that you are judging/stating as fact that the org is wrong.
2. Get a copy of Combatting Cult Mind Control and/or Releasing the Bonds by Steven Hassan.
3. Follow the steps in those books and consult this site and others for all things dub.
I can't tell you in words or in a way that you will apprecieate, just how much time and effort the above will take. I am married to a jw. I have to be here. I am trying to save my wife, and my children from a life of slavery and complete loss of self.
I told you we get a guy like you every couple of weeks. All are very enthused and determined when they get here, and oh so in love. They feel so chivalrous and heroic and dream of freeing their lady from the tower. After a couple of weeks, they realize what an incredible amount of bs they are getting themselves into, and they wisely move on. You don't want my life. Trust me.
You want to save someone? Save yourself!
CYP
Our friend Cordelia is dealing with the issues your friend would be dealing with. She is wracked by guilt and is considering whether to separate from her boyfriend and return to JWs just pretending to keep a relationship with her parents.
It may do you some good to get a good understanding of her pain: http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/6/100361/1.ashx
Just a suggestion.
AuldSoul
Cordilia is an excellent example of how difficult it is for people to get out of this cult.
Its a bigger undertaking than you might be thinking man. A born in JW cultist fader (your girlfriend) is just a time bomb waiting to go off. No doubt about it, if she isnt at the point where she will allow herself to peruse material critical of the Joe Hoe's, she could blow. Opinions and feelings can change overnight.. and you will be the dirty object of guilt when she's feeling like she's betrayed Jehovah.
Its a nightmare.
GBL
I just tried to type up a brief summary of JW's and realized that this is too difficult, there are many important aspects to this religion that can't be summed up in just a few paragraphs. I recommend the book "Crisis of Conscience" by Ray Franz. But be careful, JW's tend to flee in terror at the very site of the book.
For what it's worth:
I was an active witness when I started dating my non-jw man. With his support, I found the strength to leave the cult on my own. He always told me he loved me no matter what faith I was, and not to leave on his account- no pressure, just unconditional love. This contrasted so sharply with the hatefulness I was getting from other witnesses (they disapprove severely of anyone dating outside the faith) that I had no problem abandoning the witnesses so I could be with my man.
telltruth, in my opinion, if you really love this woman, don't abandon her. If she's willing to have a relationship with you, it means she's very likely disenchanted with the witnesses and is getting ready to leave them.
thank you all for your posts. first off: i have been researching all that is jw since we met. first to gain some background, second to understand what i'm in for. i also know that i am in need of more information than anything i may come across on my own. having found this site i believe to be in the right place. as far as " having someone like me show up every week" i can understand that this situation probably occurs with some frequency, however i am not looking to prove myself a hero. i will also never tire. i you can bear with me asking questions as we get started and move along, you will come to know me for who i am. honest caring and comitted. i will not be one to fade away or abandon my friend. i only hope you all don't mind me being here for as long as you will have me. thank you all once again for your words, i appreciate all of you.
OK, your resolve is about to be tested. C_Y_P was not exaggerating when he detailed the work involved. I'd say 2-5 years of concerted effort with a willing partner to get them out of the grasp of the society. I am a non-JW, loyal, loving, intelligent and determined, and I have been at it for five years. Even if you succeed, she will likely have to renounce her relationships with JW family and friends. It is a soul-wrenching experience, and no shoulders are wide enough to carry all the pain.
For this to work she must herself want out and grow a backbone. You can't interfere with free will, and you can't build muscle for someone else. That means you must stand on the sidelines encouraging, but not interfering with her independent thought process. Even in the end if she picks the society over you.
I find a good litmus test is to ask to be introduced to the family. If she is too embarrassed to do that, you know firmly where you stand, and it's not first in her heart. Love her, but leave her.
And, finally, don't convert to make her happy. We watched on the board the slow progress of a young man who chose that path. His misery was palpable.
[Edited to add] I found it! The young man's name is Buck. http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/member/16001.ashx telltruth, I suggest you read all his posts. I sure hope Buck is doing OK.
I'd say you're on the right track. Even if she stays a JW and you don't join I don't think there's nearly the same ostracism there was 30 years ago for being "unevenly yoked." Learn as much as you can about the JWs and don't be afraid to voice your own opinions to her and her congregation/elders. Be warned, though, oftentimes your wife will have to choose a "theocratic activity" instead of time with you and you might develop resentment for that. Or, if you get married, you might enjoy having the house to yourself a couple nights a week and Sunday mornings. :)
