My first topic, my struggles with the dubs.

the_leander

Greetings!

First and formost I'd like to say thankyou to everyone who has ever posted here before, your posts have made me laugh, cry smile and frown.

Up until about two weeks ago, I was nervous about posting here, tonight, at 5:04am as I write this, I am no longer so, the fact of the matter is, I really don't give a damn as to whether or not someone in the local congrigation reads this or not. For me, its gone too far.

I'm not a JW, I never have been, and barring getting really steamingly drunk for a good few years on the trot or suffering some other similarly catastrophic brain trauma, I never will be.

I am however, married to one, I have been for about 2 years now. The woman I got engaged to 3 years ago was a disfellowshipped ex witness with a wonderful mind and a child like curiosity. But as the saying goes: all things change in a dynamic environment, and so it was with us, we went through some pretty rough patches, no money, no food, but we survived, we were strong, and for the most part happy together. About 8 months before we were due to marry, my wife got the first of two phone calls from her father, a JW "elder". In call he informed her that since she showed no signs of wanting to return to the fold, he would have to write her off, to litterally consider her dead. More to the point, her parents actually recieved the sorts of cards one usually only considers appropriate when one has had a death in the family. My wife, understandably was devistated, my stepfather and myself spent the better part of half a day calming her down and getting out of her what had been said. Upon the above revolation, we (me and dad) were ready to go up to her fathers house and give him a damned good kicking for being, in my stepdads words "a sh!t"(This is one of only two times since I've known him that he has been reduced to profanity, so this is a measure of just how irritated he was). My wife, even though destroyed, begged us not to. Although annoyed still, we complied, that day, there was a Christian on one end of that phonecall, but it wasn't the Elder.
The second phone call came about a month before the wedding, it was her father, calling out of the blue asking us for the exact date of the wedding (aparently they had "lost" the invite we sent to them), she told him, somewhat excited at the prospect of her parents comming, only to hear in the background her grandmother (another JW) and her mother (a fanatical JW) discussing holiday destinations... Yes, you guessed it, they were getting the date so that they would be far away from the wedding. The twisted SOB's couldn't even have kept quiet during the phone call...
The wedding came, Vicky got a phonecall from her folks congratulating her and slipping in the sly dig about why they couldn't come (my being a devil worshiping pagan etc etc etc I'm not, btw, devil worshiping)...
For months of nothing. No calls, no letters, nada, they blanked her on the streets, they really did treat her like she was dead. Then she found that she was pregnant, I suggested (wrongly perhaps) that they should have no knoledge of this child, if they can't even treat her like a human being and their daughter. But I stupidly relented after weeks of protests.. She told them, and the spin machine couldn't fire up fast enough, before I could blink, they were around every day, couldn't do enough for us. She was back in the meetings, and well on the way to reinstatement, which happened just before the birth of our Son, Tomas.

As she grew closer to the JW's, she pulled further and further from me, I watched as her innate curiousity and intellect were smothered in their BS teachings. I watched as they stuck their claws back into her so deeply that there was no way for me to get her back.

But I stuck with it, through the false accusations of sleeping around, through the ultra judgemental attitude that quickly developed, and through her ever more hostile attitude toward me, forbidden even from practicing my own beliefs. I stuck with her when she went to Wales, and got it on with someone she'd met online. And I stick with her even as she is pregnant a second time (yes, its mine). Every day I walk on eggshells, wondering what todays justification will be for the balling out, I have become a pathetic excuse for a human being, and now, to finish off the job, they're putting on the full show for my 20 month old son, I'm going to have to watch as they destroy him, as they destroyed her, and render him unable to function without industrial strengh meds, just like his mother.

I am become death, only its my world that has been destroyed.

Mysterious

her parents actually recieved the sorts of cards one usually only considers appropriate when one has had a death in the family

Actually a few people sent these sort of things to my mother as well. What a bizarre and hideous custom to consider someone dead that literally.

My mother used to have a saying she used to use regarding my father and any other ones that had "left the truth" and that is where there's life there's hope. I would like you to think of that in terms of your wife and your son. No one is beyond redemption or change. The key though is you need to keep a clear head about it. JWs as a whole have a persecution complex. If they feel, or she feels, that you are a 'spiritual danger' to her or her children she may use it as leverage to take your son and run. Not only that but the more you blatantly speak against her religion the more she is going to be drawn to it. A lot of the posters here have good things to say about helping to gradual make someone think for themselves again.

I certainly offer you whatever good wishes I can, I know its not an easy situation to be placed in.

horrible life

Dear Leander, WELCOME TO JWD

May I ask, would you mind if your post was refered to, when a young person comes here, asking advice, on marrying a JW? So many come here, thinking they can change them, from being a Witness. You are proof of the heartache a person has to endure. What has been done to you is just wrong. I wish for you to have a happier life. Horrible Life (is in the past)

the_leander

May I ask, would you mind if your post was refered to, when a young person comes here, asking advice, on marrying a JW? So many come here, thinking they can change them, from being a Witness. You are proof of the heartache a person has to endure. What has been done to you is just wrong. I wish for you to have a happier life.

By all means go ahead.

carla

I'm so sorry for your situation. I too am a ubm (unblieving mate) and know a little of what you are talking about. How much do you know about the org? Have you done any research? Have you looked into legal options concerning your children? In my case, there was no way in hell he was ever going to bring my kids into a hell. Luckily the kids were old enough to notice the changes evident in him. What will happen if the kids need blood? What will you do? Do the elders know about her affair? That could get her df'd again. Others here will have some advice for you. I would suggest doing some research into the org first so you know just what you are up against. You sure have a lot on your plate right now! Keep posting and asking questions, it really does help you deal with the situation.

Es

I am so so sorry that you are going through this it must be so sad.

Its made me wonder if my soon to be hubby is scared that i would go back.....and whether when im pregnant with his child if my folks will do the same thing.

I really dont know what to say or suggest other that know we are here for you

es

the_leander

Clarification:

"I stuck with her when she went to Wales, and got it on with someone she'd met online."

It was her who was unfaithful - She went to Wales with the specific intention of having it away with this guy she met online. A friend of mine pointed out that this might come across differently unless clarified.

the_leander

"Its made me wonder if my soon to be hubby is scared that i would go back.....and whether when im pregnant with his child if my folks will do the same thing."

Tbh the fact you're on here would suggest you have more intellegence and power over your own destiny then she did. I didn't know about this place up until a few months ago, I think having somewhere like this to go to, for both of us, prior to our getting married might have made the difference tbh.

calico

If your wife cheated on you, shouldn't she be disfellowshipped again?

the_leander

>If your wife cheated on you, shouldn't she be disfellowshipped again?

I would have thought so, but I've never said anything, I considered that it was something that she should do on her own concience.

Besides, who is dear ol dad going to believe? His zealot like dub daughter, or his heathen non dub son in law?

My first topic, my struggles with the dubs.

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