Relationship/money/other troubles...advice...

aloneinPA

I look like a newbie, but I post under another name. The reason I created this new name was to keep a certain someone, who reads this board but does not post, from discovering this post.

I posted about this business that my boyfriend is involved in. I was skeptical about it. I received varying opinions in the post, and eventually he read the post. My skepticism and mistrust hurt him, and eventually I decided I would be more open minded and he decided he would be more sensitive to my concerns and would not pressure me.

This past weekend he went away for a conference related to this new business with his friend, who got him involved in the business and who I do not trust. We didn't get to talk last night because he got back too late.

But this morning he informs me that he has decided to take a leave of absence from his job to focus entirely on this new business. He didn't consult me, apparently this weekend was so wonderful and breathtaking that his decision was made on the spur of the moment. I didn't know what to say. On the one hand, he's been very supportive of me. When I first moved here I had nothing--no job, no car, no money, and he took care of me. I'm very appreciative of that, I really am. I still don't have a car, but I was planning on buying one, but if I'm going to have to become the sole breadwinner until he gets his business off the ground, that isn't going to happen.

I'm not sure what upsets me so much about this. He's unhappy with his job and I totally want him to be happy and to follow his dreams. But the fact that he made this decision so quickly and didn't even tell me until he had already decided bothers me. And the timing is really bad. I don't make that much money, and my job is only temporary. What if his business never gets off the ground?

What is the best way to bring these concerns up to him? Am I being completely unreasonable and selfish? I'm just so confused...my brain is really murky right now. I need guidance.

ocsrf

No your not being unreasonable. Self-employement is great; however, much planning and some sacrifice is needed and necessary. Doesn't sound like he put that much into the planning and if he has, he should share this with you since you will be also involved in any sacrifices that are needed.

Perhaps you can ask him to show you his business plan and budget and ask him to help you understand how the two of you will make it for the next several months. The key in this, is to check your emotions at the door, if you bring that along with you, the conversation may breakdown before you get all your questions answered. The more he discusses it and thinks about it, he may actually come to the same thought you have. But at some point be honest with him and be sure he understands how you feel before he gets to the point of no return.

OC

lola28

You have every right to be upset, he really should have talked to you about this before making any plans. How do you feel about having the responsibility of providing for both of you?

luna2

It almost sounds like someone who's been inducted into a cult. They don't want to hear anything negative about their new enthusiasm and they don't want to discuss it with anybody who isn't 150% behind the idea. Witnoids are promised life forever in a beautiful paradise and your boyfriend has been promised riches beyond his wildest dreams. I think inner greed really kicks in with this stuff and you shut your mind to common sense.

I wish you luck in discussing this with him. Right now I'm pretty sure that all he can see or hear is money, money, money.

I hope it works out for you guys. It would scare me to death.

aloneinPA

I'm pretty nervous. I mean, he's the one with the college education. I just am not too thrilled about my prospects for employment. I think he probably figured I wouldn't mind because at some point I was thinking about working two jobs to save money for college anyway. But it wasn't going to be a permanent thing. I'm just worried about everything. I miss my family and sometimes I like to get away to see them. If I'm working all the time, I won't get to see them. I'll probably end up resenting him. Maybe I'm overreacting and it won't be quite that bad.

lola28

Alone, you already don't feel good about this and chances are you won't warm up to the idea of working two jobs so that he can persue this new venture. It is one thing to work your behind off to save for college and it is another to work two jobs because your b/f decided to quit his job without taking the time to ask you how you felt about it. This is way too much pressure on you and you are right you may end up resenting him in the end. The best thing would be to talk about it now beforore things get out of control.

Finally-Free

I still don't have a car, but I was planning on buying one, but if I'm going to have to become the sole breadwinner until he gets his business off the ground, that isn't going to happen.

It's nice that he was able to help you, and I'm sure you appreciate it. However, that does not give him the right to make a unilateral decision on such a matter, forcing you to become the sole breadwinner.

W

aloneinPA

Well it's official. My boyfriend quit his job and I am now the sole breadwinner. Making $12 an hour. I'm going to look for a better paying job and possibly get a second job in the meantime. I have a little money from an insurance check. I was going to use it to get a car, but oh well. That's life. I haven't been able to sleep all night.

Oroborus21

Hi Alone,

You asked what is the best way to approach him about your concerns and I say directly. At an appropriate time (not in bed, not when anyone is rushed, etc. and soon) just sit down and discuss your concerns.

Begin by reassuring him that you are fully behind him, emotionally and to some extent financially, and support him in his endeavours BUT that you do have some concerns.

For one thing you should say that in order for you to be fully supportive you want to know much more about the business, his plans, etc.

(sorry I missed your other thread, please tell me this is not an MLM!!!)

Discuss any potential problems that you may see, try to see how much actual thought he has put into developing concrete goals and objectives and the timeline for reaching those. this will be good for both of you as you will get an idea from this how prepared he actually is and some indication of how long you might have to wait for the situation to improve.

Mostly focus on your concerns and see if he has any answers as to how he might address those concerns.

At this time, I wouldn't place any pressure upon him. The above might need to be repeated at least once if you don't see progress.

At some point if his endeavours are not working out, you will need to try to get him to agree to something probably along the lines of if he doesn't reach such and such goal than he will return to work or find a job and continue to work on this business part-time.

Then at some point you simply will need to give him an ultimatum if it isn't working out. At some point it is unreasonable for you to be sole breadwinner at your current income. If you were a highly paid professional, then I would not see anything wrong with you being the sole breadwinner while he worked on his own business.

New businesses take a lot of time, I know, I have been working at my solo-law practice for more than a year now and things are still slow. It may be another year or so before I am making what I used to make at my last job and it may be four or five years before I am pulling in six figures or more a year.

to some extent it all depends on your patience and the potential for success in his business and of course how much you love him and want to be with him and what you are willing to do and how you are willing to live until things improve to the level that you desire. Only you can know these things.

best wishes and luck,

Eduardo Leaton Jr., Esq.

tijkmo

hey girl...it just never stops does it...or at least thats how it seems...i think after all you been through that some stability in certain areas of your life would have been welcome for you...but this makes it all so fragile again..

all i can say is...and i have said this to you before...is that it does get better..it doesnt seem like it will at the moment but it does...maybe not perfect but definately more manageable..at least it did for me...i hope it does for you

if you need a break..im just an 8 hour flight away..

i wrote a song called bewildered...you can probably relate to some of the lines

just when you thought it couldnt get any worse
something unexpected hits you again
and love is a blessing and love is a curse
and sometimes you know its hard to tell when
and its the fear of what comes after the doing
that makes the doing so hard to do
but the magic of facing the ensuing... is that almost always we can pull through

Relationship/money/other troubles...advice...

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