Mother strikes again - My sister doesn't even get a funeral

by Lady Lee 28 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  freedomlover

  Why the h*ll am I bothered by this. I KNOW this is how she is.

  I can't even tell you how many times I've thought or said this about my own mother.......

  You think this because you are dumbfounded anyone, especially a MOTHER, could be so cold, cruel, and bitter. It's so hard to understand because it's not at all part of your makeup. Be thankful and happy for that!

  I hope you can find a way to honor your sister and have some closure for yourselves. She looked so sweet in that picture sitting next to your baby.........Love, FreedomLover
• 

  myself

  Will someone please smack me upside the head and smarten me up

  Wouldn't dream of smacking you upside your head, how about a big hug instead (((((((((((((Lee))))))))))). I think the private service with your brothers is a wonderful approach. You keep hoping for some of the warmth and kindness from your mother because that is exactly the sweet person you are, that is why it bothers you.

  Karla
• 

  blondie

  LL, your mother can't control what you and your siblings do. If you want to, you know you can get together and remember your sister and mourn her. The absence of your mother will be a plus.

  Sorry to hear about your sister.

  Love, Blondie
• 

  HappyDad

  From my own experience of losing everyone in my bloodline to the enemy death..................I can only say.................My heart is with you Lee, and hope you can get through this time of pain.

  Nothing you say or do can make a dent in the WT reasoning.

  Your support and hugs of love are on this forum and any others you are happy with.

  My love and hugs to you (((((((((Lee)))))))))

  HappyDad
• 

  Scully

  Why the h*ll am I bothered by this. I KNOW this is how she is.

  It bothers you because despite how Robin was, and what she did with her life, she was still your sister and you cared about that little girl.

  You can still do whatever kind of memorial you want. You're great at setting up websites, maybe you can create one in memory of your sister... with poetry, music, personal sentiments, photographs and so on. I planted rose bushes in memory of my grandparents. It's a nice spot in my garden where I could go and be still and think about conversations I would have liked to have with each of them.

  Hugs, Scully
• 

  Gill

  ((((((((( LL )))))))))

  Sorry for your loss of your sister, LL.

  Don't know exactly what it is with JW mentality, but they use their beliefs as a reason to act with out the normal decensies of life.

  Love

  Gill
• 

  Lady Lee

  The insanity continues.

  Just got a call from my youngest brother. Seems he spoke with my mother. She forbade him from talking to the police or the ex-boyfriend (that told my older brother about it and was the one the police contacted). She told him to just get out and forget he had a sister.

  He is furious.

  A few years ago his first wife died in a car accident. My mother and I went to support him and do what we could to help through those first few days. He was a mess. My mother did all the paper work. She made all the arrangements.

  She didn't do one thing that had an emotion attached to it. My brother's two children were devastated. My brother could not help them emotionally. So I did. His son wasn't speaking he was so upset. And his daughter wasn't much better. I spent my time dealing with these two little kids who had just lost their mommy and whose father was unable to deal with them. I have this clear clear memory of my mother saying "You know I'm not good with feeling things so you take care of them."

  She's still oblivious to the need to deal with feelings. No wonder all her kids are so messed up. Sometimes I think the only reason I am so different than the other kids is that for 6 years as a child I didn't live and grow up with my mother.

  My youngest brother says he has given up on her. He will never call her or have contact with her again. I don't blame him. That's pretty much how I feel too.
• 

  Big Tex

  Why the h*ll am I bothered by this. I KNOW this is how she is.

  I guess somewhere inside of her I expect to find a real person with a heart.

  You're feeling justified anger that is magnified by old anger at old issues caused by the same person. It's like picking at a wound that hasn't healed fully. Unlike some, I do not believe there is good in all people. Your mother chose long ago to flush any and all goodness from her heart and what is left now is only a shell that is unrelenting and cruel.

  My mother was the same. At some point you must choose whether to accomodate such a person in your life or whether it is better to prune them out like a dead tree limb. Either choice is painful, but you must decide for yourself.

  When I was forbidden to attend my mother's funeral (on threats of violence to Nina and me), I waited. I put my mother up on a shelf and left those feelings and the need for closure alone for a while. Not until 4 years later did I finally go to her gravesite. I took my newborn daughter. I 'showed' my daughter to my dead mother; I told her about my name change and how my family would now be separate forever from hers; I told her all the things I was angry about , all the horrors she had visited on me in my life and cried all the tears I had held back all my life. Finally I left her grave by telling her my children will never know what I know. It was one of the most cathartic and healing things I ever did.

  My point in relating this Lee is to show you that some things are beyond our control. But not everything. Decide best how you want to memorialize, and grieve, your sister's death. There does not have to be a time limit (I was content to wait 4 years). Your mother cannot control you any longer, nor can she control your grief and how you choose to express it.

  Let her insanity go. Release it from your life. Verbalize what you are angry about, write it down here, or in a journal that will help begin the process of purging. You have every right in the world to be furious with her, for all the atrocities she has brought into your life. THAT is why you are 'bothered' and sadly she will never change. She will always push your buttons. I chose to cut the insanity of my family out of my life and I've never regretted it.

  Sorry for rambling, but I hate to see you hurting.

  Chris
• 

  AK - Jeff

  LL-

  So sorry for what you have to deal with here.

  When my only brother died 2 1/2 years back, they had a dub funeral. I was in, so it was ok, and he did have a truly loving congregation, who supported him thru his illness with the closest thing I have seen to Christian love among the witnesses. He was creamated.

  Later, after I left the organization, I set up a 'memorial' for him at one of his fav places, near where he used to hunt and fish. Most of the family came, and we had a nice meal at my Dads after.

  When I think of my dear brother now, I think of the place where we spread his ashes and remembered him. I don't ever think of his 'funeral' at the hall, and the recruiting efforts it was.

  Get peace - have your brothers and friends out to a lovely place where you can attach his memories. The bitterness toward your mom is another issue - and it is prob better to do something without her there anyway.

  In My Thoughts

  Jeff
• 

  Lady Lee

  Chris

  I know you are right. I haven't had anything to do with her for the last five years. When I moved to Ottawa she was not told. I just couldn't be bothered dealing with her heartlessness.

  You are right though. I am reacting to this hurt built up on top of hundreds of other hurts. I aKNOW she will never change. I guess it just takes me off guard when a situation arises. The last funeral in the family was my Aunt Suzanne 40 years ago.

  Some interesting similarities between Robin and Suzanne.

  • Both were sexually abused while in the care of my mother. (So was I)
  • Both were sent away when my mother no longer wanted to deal with problems (so was I)
  • I believe both died at their own hands due to all the rejection and abuse in their lives. (I came close but I'm still here).

  My mother is toxic. I steer clear as much as possible. It is the only safe way to live

  I have decided when I get together with my brothers we will make some special time to deal with this loss. (not sure when that will be but like you said it can be anytime)

  My daughter is also going to arrange for both my daughters and I to sit and spend some time talking about Robin and what she meant to us all.

  I have a plan and it doesn't include the wicked witch of the north