Wife wants my 12 year old to have her own study. Strategy? (page 2)

xjwms

Blondie

Once again....you are right there.... to getem with their own words

Ah yes... I love it.

Even if your daughter doesn't have a great relationship with her mother, please do not underestimate the DESIRE to have a good relationship. She may see this study as a way to please mom, (and Jehovah,) thus "buying" a loving, friendly mother/daughter relationship.
Yes, most kids do leave on their own, but many are faithful, indoctrinated JWs, in spite of an unbelieving and reasonable father. The kids who get out are usually those who were encouraged to have interests and friends outside of the Kingdom Hall. Encourage her interests in science, sports and the arts. Especially science, which will give her the tools she needs to analyse arguments effectively.
Also, don't underestimate the ability of the arrogant elder's daughter to continue behaving "admirably." If she has been indoctrinated properly, you won't be able to get her riled up enough for anything other than to make you look like a jerk for attacking a poor defenseless JW girl. She will be an expert at turning it back on you, and even though you will have logic on your side, she will have the emotions of your wife and daughter on hers.

TheListener

Perhaps you should approach your wife and ask her if the elders assigned the young sister to study with your daughter and what the reasons were. Perhaps this is your wife's idea and the elder body isn't aware of it.

In most cases it is expected that the parent will study with their child. It is strongly encouraged. If the parent can't, for some specific reason, then the body of elders can assign someone to study with the child.

It would unusual for a mother to just pick someone and have them study with the child without the elders knowledge and consent. Don't get me wrong, it definitely happens, but if that is the case here you could simply ask an elder or two about it and get their opinion on the subject. Be specific with them and tell them you'd prefer your wife study with your daughter and that you will work with your wife to ensure she has the time to do so. If your wife studies with her you will have slightly more control and probably a lot more information on what is being studied.

I dunno. I'm probably going to face the exact same thing in the very near future. I don't have a foolproof answer yet either. Hmmm. Perhaps I should start studying with them myself now therefore showing my spirituality and controlling the specific information presented.

God, your thread has brought up a lot of emotions.

kls

Check_Your_Premises

She may see this study as a way to please mom

My suspicion is that this is her primary motivation for doing the dub thing. I made meetings optional several months back. She has always continued to go, but then I catch her doing non-jw things like trying to meet a boy at the movie theater.

Anyways, I am actually the one who has a pretty good relationship with her. I am working hard to help the mother and daughter have a better relationship. IN that way she will lose some of her motivation.

She is brainwashed folks, for about 3 years now. She is 12, so she is absolutely convinced that this is the truth and she couldn't be wrong!

On the other hand I have total faith in the teenage years to allow for growth and change in a positive way.

CYP

Honesty

As head of house, I sit in on any study conducted here, and add my opinions and religious ideas as I see fit.

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GoingGoingGone

Even if your daughter doesn't have a great relationship with her mother, please do not underestimate the DESIRE to have a good relationship. She may see this study as a way to please mom, (and Jehovah,) thus "buying" a loving, friendly mother/daughter relationship.

This was exactly what I was thinking, too. In fact, it's exactly what I did myself. My father was a UBM, my mother got a hip-single-pioneer sister to study with my sister and me, and I got baptized to try to gain my mother's approval.

Still, though, you don't want to push her into the JWs by forbidding a study. I would agree with others who have said to sit in on the study yourself. Instead of being too confrontational with the elder-daughter-study-person, maybe ask your daughter the questions that need to be asked. What did the JWs teach about 1914 before the date... what is an NGO and why was the WTS one.... cross vs. stake..... birthdays, etc....... If your daughter doesn't have answers, show her your information and then have her ask her 'teacher' to explain the WTS position.

I would think that the ultimate goal should be for your daughter to understand the importance of thinking through things and reaching logical conclusions. You say that 'A' is correct? Why? What about these facts... how do you explain them? JWs never learn to think - they learn to accept. And given the age that they are expected to start accepting, so many other things enter into the picture.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

GGG

Odrade

The Listener:
Yes, it is generally recommended that parents study with their children, but in a "divided" household, it is often encouraged to arrange a formal study with someone in the Hall. It creates more bonds between the child and the congregation. Most of my friends growing up, who were from single parent homes, or had an "unbelieving" parent, had a study conducted by a non-related JW (mentor.)

144001

CYP:

I'm very sorry to hear of your situation. I've commented in some of your other threads regarding your situation and provided my own advice as to what to do. From what I can determine, it appears that you have not acted in accordance with any of the advice I've given you. Nevertheless, I'm going to give you some more for you to think about.

You are right to be extremely careful in your handling of this issue (wifey's demand to initiate a study). One wrong move and you're going to have Watchtower worshipping robot for a daughter. But the real issue is your wife. You have not exerted the type of authority that is necessary to keep her under control. The more you let her control the situation, the more powerful she will get in all aspects of your relationship, and the weaker you will become.

If your wife insists on "studies," then you should insist on being present at any such studies. This could be explained to the wife that in light of JW teachings that all other religions are of the devil, including the one you practice, you believe your presence is critical to: [1] a fair presentation of your beliefs and your role as a father, which it appears her and the WT are attempting to usurp; and [2] to ensure that nothing inapprorpiate is said to your daughter, in light of the WT's reckless use of horrific illustrations and other material inappropriate to minors in their publications.

As for your daughter, you should take her aside, away from her mom, and ask her what she really wants. If she says she wants to study, then you should ask whether the idea of a study was hers or your wife's. Make sure she understands that you will protect her from negative consequences if she says or does anything that is inconsistent with your wife's ideas about spirituality or WT teachings, propaganda, etc.

It's ironic that the WT preaches that men are the head of the household, and treats women like they're chattels, yet when the husband is not part of their cult and the wife is, the wife is suddenly urged to do things that are inconsistent with WT-mandated roles for women.

Good luck!

Check_Your_Premises

This sisteris always inviting the girls in the cong over for sleepovers and stuff. She always makes them clean. I think it was my wife's idea to suggest it, but I am sure she got the idea from others. I do suspect it is a "get closer to the cong" type move. Also my daughter mentioned going out for volleyball... and she was complaining that people at the KH say she can't have friends who aren't jw. I told her that is not a requirement.

It is kind of funny that this came up today. I was planning on laying down some new rules in response to my daughter saying "people at the KH say she can't"... I was going to make sure they know I am to be informed if anyone tries to correct or instruct them. They are not jw kids who they can boss around like all the other ones.

Unless they want me to come over and instruct their kids...

Wife wants my 12 year old to have her own study. Strategy?

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