In love with a JW, HELP!!!

secretlove

14 years ago I was a sophomore in high school and fell head over heels for a senior (we'll call him Mike) who wasn't really in to me. I was raised Catholic and he, a JW. I wrote him lots of notes, sent him teddy bears and tried to win his heart. It didn't work, he never showed much interest! But he was in my thoughts everyday and I longed to be with him. 2 years later I was dating someone else and ended up pregnant and married at 18. I still saw Mike here and there and everytime I saw him I got butterflies in my stomach and would be so sad for days or weeks. One time while married to my husband I ended up in a hotel room with Mike, not much happened but I have some great memories. I'm not the type of person that would cheat on my husband but with Mike, everything is different. I love him!!! Now 14 years later I still think about him everyday. I'm still married to my husband (not too happily) and Mike is now married to a MUCH older JW. I don't think he's that happy. I ran in to him a few days ago and we had breakfast together. It was the quickest 2 hours of my life. He told me he was sorry for hurting me all those years ago, he was immature and that he made a mistake. He had told me about 10 years ago that I didn't wait long enough for him, but at that time I had just gotten married and had a baby. I didn't know what to do and he was still immature!

Now he tells me the only reason we didn't work out was because I wasn't a JW and that he wasn't allowed to date until he was ready to get married. From our long conversation I know he has feelings for me. We were both so nervous to be around each other. I can feel the chemistry. Every time I would ask him what he was thinking he said, " I can't say or it might get me in trouble." We both had to get to work and when I hugged him good-bye I just wanted to die. I cried at work for almost an hour.

I've loved this man for 1/2 of my life and the only reason I couldn't be with him was his religion. Now he's married (with no kids), I'm married (with 2 kids) and I want nothing else but to be with him. His Dad is very involved with the Kingdom Hall and this is the only thing he has ever known. I don't think he would give it up for me and I don't know that I would want to become a JW for a man, but if it meant being with him, I would. But I'm sure they wouldn't accept us. We would both be divorced.

I don't know what to do!

If you divorce someone, is that the end of being a JW?

And if he's been a very serious witness since the age of 3, how likely is it that he would give it up for love?!!!

If anyone out there has any input, I'm all ears!

jaded

Please forget about this man NOW! You have absolutely no idea what you are in for if you persue a relationship with him.

kid-A

If he is still an active JW, he would be in a very very very difficult situation getting out of his marriage. First, JWs cant just get divorced on normal grounds, their divorces need to be "approved by the elders" and only the elders can grant them a "scriptural divorce". How does this happen? Their needs to be proof that he or his wife had sex outside the marriage. Basically, the only way a JW can get a divorce and avoid being disfellowshipped is to prove that the spouse cheated on them. Of course, he can get a legal divorce, but he would be shunned and ignored by everybody including his family, that he has still in the religion.

So, all in all, a very tricky and complicated situation for both of you. Hope you can work it all out, and welcome to the forum. For any questions you have about the JW religion in general, there are tons of resources on the main page. Cheers!

slugga

If you divorce someone, is that the end of being a JW?

He can only get a divorce if either himself or his wife sleeps with someone else. If he sleeps with someone else he will be disfellowshipped. That means everyone he knows in the religion will snub him and refuse to even talk to him. His social and family life will be at an end.

And if he's been a very serious witness since the age of 3, how likely is it that he would give it up for love?!!!

No chance, you are deluding yourself. His religion *is* his life, he has a wife and you have children and a husband. If you caused his marriage to split up there is no way witnesses in his congregation would accept you.

If anyone out there has any input, I'm all ears!

I'm sorry to be harsh but there are children involved here, their needs come first, before you start chasing after dreams.

Calliope

ummm, questions:

did you guys actually discuss divorcing your current spouses?

did you guys voice not being happy in your current marriages?

did he say he wanted to be with you?

perhaps i need more of the story, but it sounds to me like he's not making any decisions soon...

ballistic

You said you were in love with the guy but at no point described him or said what you actually like about him.

Calliope

further,

in my very very humble opinion, love is never what it seems.

TallTexan

Are you sure you're still in love with who he is now, or the memory of something that made you feel good when you were a teenager? Maybe before you talk about divorcing your spouses, etc, you should make sure. Are you sure you're in love, or just suffering from years of an 'ideal' that you couldn't have?

Whatever you decide, do NOT become a JW - you have NO idea what you're in for. The congregation will NOT accept you if you wreck their 'happy' home.

Apollyon

Wellllllll, Commit adultry with him and then go to the elders........no dont do that... did I type that aloud....

Sentient

Don't let anybody tell you what you must do or must not do, it is your own damn life. I wouldn't listen to anyone who would say, "You MUST stay together for the sake of the children!" If you're miserable the children are probably miserable too but don't imagine (with all due respect) that Mr. Hero will come along and save you. Be willing to listen to the advice of others about what it is that you might actually want or what it is that actually exists in terms of love or who the other person is. You could end up being just as unhappy with this guy you've idealized for so long. If he's a JW, he has some serious emotional and reality issues to deal with that you don't understand nearly enough. Maybe try spending more time reading on this board if you want to understand his world better and what you might be in for.
Whatever you do, listen to TallTexan about not joining, you don't know what you're in for. Take your time. Breathe.

In love with a JW, HELP!!!

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