In love with a JW, HELP!!! (page 3)

Super_Becka

*ahem* ... RUN!!! RUN AS FAST AND AS FAR AS YOU CAN, AND IF YOU THINK HE'S FOLLOWING YOU, RUN FURTHER!!

OK, maybe that sounds a little harsh, but it's the best thing you can do for yourself and your family. You don't want to be involved with a JW, it's just not worth the trouble, especially because he's serious about his religion. No, he won't give it up for you, not if he's as serious as I think he is. I'm currently dating an inactive, unbaptized, nominal JW, and that's tough enough, I can only imagine what it's like to be involved with a serious JW.

Secondly, I know what it's like to have a huge crush on someone, only to get together with them and find out that the person isn't anything like the image of them that you create in your mind. I had a crush on a guy for a couple of years, he was my high school crush and even after graduation, I couldn't get him out of my mind. He asked me out about 8 months after graduation and I thought I was the luckiest girl ever, only to find out that I'd built this perfect image of him in my mind that I'd completely fallen in love with and that the real guy only physically looked like that image. After a year of dating, he cheated on me with my roommate, denied it till the end, then openly dated her immediately after I broke it off (that was a year ago, and they're still together). I kept wondering where I went wrong, but it wasn't me, it was him. I'd pictured him as this perfect guy, everything that I wanted, but not only did he not live up to that, he was the exact opposite of what I'd hoped he'd be.

Think about this, are you in love with him, the man he is, or him, the man you want him to be?? Do you even know him that well?? I'm young, but I know what it's like to have a huge crush on someone, but it's usually only physical infatuation, maybe with a little mental infatuation thrown in if you've had some kind of contact with him. I knew my crush for years before we dated, I thought he was perfect, I found him very attractive and I saw how he acted with his friends, who were also my friends, so I thought he was just perfect for me, but it turns out that looks can be deceiving. My former crush/boyfriend is a model and an actor, who wouldn't find that attractive?? Turns out that beauty really is only skin deep - on the inside, he's a filthy, spineless liar and nothing more.

And with your crush, his religion is always going to be in the way. It was in the way when you were younger, what makes you think that it won't be in the way now?? If he still believes everything that he believed 14 years ago, then that same religious barrier will be there between the two of you. Unless his beliefs have changed radically, he'll never accept you for who you are, and even if he does, his religion will always come first. That's if you can get past the divorce thing - he'll be in deep trouble if he gets divorced without scriptural reason, and that will just make things harder for the two of you. The WTS is a lifestyle, it controls all aspects of his life, and it will control your life, too. Keep that in mind.

I know that sounds harsh and heartless, but it's true. Think about this, think about what you really want and need, then make your decision. And stick around, the people here definitely know what they're talking about.

I wish you the best of luck with this situation.

-Becka :)

Saoirse

You do not love this guy. He is nothing but a fantasy and an infatuation. Trust me, you do not want to be a JW and you definitely don't want to force that on your children. Could you stand by and let your child die because you couldn't them a blood transfusion? That's what JWs do. Are you also going to deny them Christmas and Birthdays for the rest of their lives? Any man that would flirt with a married mother of two children is a piece of crap with no respect or morals. Don't ever see this man again. Run far away!

If your marriage isn't happy then you and your husband should see a counselor and try to work things out. Your first priority should be to your children. You chose to bring them into the world, you lost your right to make selfish decisions when you did that. If your husband is abusing you in some way then leave immediately. If not, try to work things out.

Clam

I had a quick read through this thread. I don't really like giving advice even when it's asked for. People like to talk and listen but they do make their own mind up in the end.

My take on it is the same as:

Any man that would flirt with a married mother of two children is a piece of crap with no respect or morals.

This type of person can never really be trusted. Leopards and spots come to mind.

willowmoon

I'm with Clam... you will find your own answers. Though sometimes it does help to get your thoughts out there for discussion.

I would only add -- if you truly do love this man, you would not cause unhappiness to him or his wife. It's not your place to judge his happiness. And it's wrong to hurt others through your own selfish desires. Where do your own husband and children stand in all this... will you just throw them away for your personal conquest of another man? If you love this other man, you wouldn't hurt him by expecting him give up his wife or his religion. I'd encourage you to look into your own heart and see the effect of your actions on others. I hope you'll do what I think is the right thing -- find and fix whatever's wrong with your own life that's causing you to have thoughts that would hurt others.

willow

carla

Run for your life! It sounds like you are in love with an idea rather than a man. He could never live up to your fantasies anyway.

Even if you got together, do you understand what being a jw means? Your entire life will be controlled by men. They will tell you how you can dress, what you can read, what you can watch, how you can make love, your make up (in some cases), who you may speak to or not, no holidays, and the list goes on. You will not get this man of your 'dreams', you will get an entire congregation who will know every little detail about your life. You will put your children through hell, mentally, spiritually and even their physical being could be in danger. Are you not aware of the pedophile problem within the Jehovah Witness organization? See Silentlambs.

Maybe you need to see a good counselor who can help you with this long 'crush' you have and help you work on the marriage you promised to be committed to and to your children. Really, how could anyone live up to the fantasies you have built up over the years? Does that really sound realistic?

I am married to someone who became a jw later in life. The control the organization has over a person is not pleasant to live with. It is a CULT. Is this really what you want? to join a cult for a man? what will that show your children? Your soul is for sale to get what you think you want? Is that a mature adult, mother, and wife?

Spectrum

secretelove,

You're unhappily married he is unhappily married if you got married to each other how do you know that you wouldn't be unhappy together.
I think you have been living an infatuation fantasy rather than something real. The grass is greener and all that.
I tell you, the pedastool you put him on would have ensured a failed marriage - he would never have lived up to the heights you were expecting. My feeling is you have wasted your emotions for the last 14 years, depressed yourself and undermined your marriage unnecessarily. forget this guy, you're only 28 years old you can pull it back.

secretlove

I didn't realize the congregation was so controlling. To tell you how you can make love...are there only certain ways allowed??!! Does that mean no real fun stuff, only straight to the point? :O

carla

didn't realize the congregation was so controlling. To tell you how you can make love...are there only certain ways allowed??!! Does that mean no real fun stuff, only straight to the point? :O------------------Youv'e got the idea! Some jw's adhere to this some do not. Which will you get? Another way to think of it is, 'lie back and think of the queen dear'. Ever hear that phrase? Anyway, yes, they do control that as well. What's allowed what's not. And even how much 'passion' is appropriate. Don't want to be overdoing passion with your wife now, better save all that energy for jah.

PaNiCAtTaCk

when my wife and I got married in 96 the Elder that was going to give our wedding talk wanted to meet with us beforehand to talk about marriage. He told us that if you cant get pregnant doing it, DONT DO IT! We didnt listen very well

steve2

Secretlove,

If you were a friend of mine, I would begin my reply to your query by first slapping your face. I would do this to try to bring you back to the real world:

If you want to lead a fulfilling life, free from the turgid, stifling weight of an autocratic religion, rop this man immediately. And, while your dropping him, get a life!

Remember, I would only say this if I were a friend. If I weren't a friend, I'd bore you with unhelpful sympathy and soothing words. Meanwhile, while you're feeling "heard" and supported by my soothing empathy, your heart would still be melting for this "man" and before you know it, the JW train will come hurtling along the track and flatten you. You won't know what the dazed, cross-eyed look is until you've been hit by the JW train.

The choice is yours. Is it going to be a slap in the face from a friend now (short-term pain) or being flattened by a big train (long-term pain and suffering)?

In love with a JW, HELP!!!

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