Suggestions Please

nonjwalltheway

Hi,

My wife and I have been married for over 10 years and we have three sons. She grew up in a JW family. He sisters, brother, mother, aunts, uncles and other extended family are mostly JW. If they are not JW, they are in some other weird religion, but most of them are JW. She was the only one in her family that was not formally baptised as she rebelled against the religion when she was growing up. When she me me she told me that she did not become a JW because there were too many restrictions. When we got married she wanted to start going to the KH and then began having bible, aka Watchtower, studies. I also began studying with her until I realized what a bunch of garbage it all was and that the bible studies were nothing of the kind, but in reality were Watchtower studies. I realized that this religion is all about control and that a lot of their teachings have nothing to do with God such as voting, higher education, no facial hair, etc. My wife has been in and out of this crazy religion her whole life and she wants to start attending the KH again. I try to reason with her and have also tried to get her to read the vast amount of material on the internet and in publications that support my views, but nothing works. I try to discuss it with her nicely to begin with, but it always ends in an escalated fight. I have told her that if she wants to be involved with a cult I cannot control that, but I do not want and will not allow my kids to be indoctrinated into Watchtower servitude. I have tried everything, but nothing seems to work. Does anyone have any suggestions?

Thank you.

Nonjwalltheway

blondie

Welcome. Just a question, why now does she want to go back. What is motivating her; something a family member said, the birth of your first child, the disasters of last year?

Blondie

Brigid

I did something similar to this with my poor first husband subconsciously, of course (not that he was an angel by any means). There's a psychology that develops within JW women raised in it (this is strictly my opinion). As a woman, there are not many functions you can perform of "value". Biblically, there are not many archetypes to model (most biblical women are mentioned only because of some connection, usually supportive and subservient to a man--not all but most). So you have 2 choices as a JW girl, marry (only in the "TRUTH") or pioneer. Well, being that there are not a lot of "brothers" to pick from and they're usually under pressure to stay single to do more in the "truth", you're limited. Many look outside the organization for a mate--because you are constantly reminded that women's accomplishments are manifest via the marriage. This is ALL subconscious, mind you. Then you marry a "worldling" and you get scared, you want your kids raised like you were--whatever it is. You go back with tail between the legs mentality. You try so so so so hard to get this person you love to "see the truth" because then it will add some legitimacy to your decision to marry outside and to your marriage in general.

Keep trying to educate her. Keep your sense of self but realize you really can't control her. She must do this if it's her path. The only way for my ex-husband and I to reconcile was through divorce and we are both so much better for it!

good luck!

~Brigid

seven006

I have one. Go out and pick some wild flowers (if there are any around where you live in the middle of winter) or buy her some tiny little ones. No big flowers like she just won a horse race or it’s your anniversary, just some pretty little ones. I know this sounds stupid because you’re a guy and that is how we think but believe me, it might help.

Then tell her you love her and you want to work this out. Write her a few pages about how you feel about her and the religion but make it as non-confrontational as possible. Then ask her to do the same. Saying something is one thing, writing it out is another. If she puts her thoughts down in writing and reads what she is saying she may take a deeper look at it.

Do that back and forth until you can start to make some sense to her. Verbal arguing will get you nowhere. It is what JW’s were taught to do. If you can get anywhere with that, then you might get her to read some things on the Internet. It’s just one technique in deprogramming the programming. It helps you approach her on her tender side and not her programmed side.

Dave

tweety

He sisters, brother, mother, aunts, uncles and other extended family are mostly JW. ........ She was the only one in her family that was not formally baptised as she rebelled against the religion when she was growing up.

Welcome! Since your wife was never baptised, I can't imagine that her family would have shunned her. ?? But there are people on here who 'stay in the religion' to avoid being disfellowshiped and have a relationship with their JW family members. That is the only thing that I could think of that she would want to go back.

But you certainly came to the right place and I'm sure that others will give you better suggestions.

Good luck to you and your family!

Tweety

flag

Do not challenge her openly. Try to involved the kids on sports. They practice a lot, so that means that most of the meetings days they will be busy with practice. But keep in mind that this involves a lot of effort from your part, don't expect that she wont take them to the meetings just because you said so! You need to take an active role and find activities for the kids on those days.

M.J.

Someone recently posted on a very similar situation: http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/7/106740/2.ashx

Here's a great intro on how to deal with this too (even though it's directed at people who are dating): http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/20/104475/1.ashx

lola28

I have never been in this situation so I really have nothing to add, so I'm just gonna give you a big cyber hug.

I hope it all works out for you

lola

Sentient

nonjwalltheway,

Basically, your wife has been programmed. She doesn't even understand why she is doing what she is doing, but she has other logical reasons for it yet in the end it is fear and the desire for certainty and safety. Empowering yourself with understanding as much as possible how JW life effects an invididual from a psychological perspective is the most important thing to do IMO. You will reap understanding and power relative to the effort you're willing to put into this. You've already shown your desire to understand by posting here.

Also, someone posted this link. Even though it is supposed to be for children, I think this article contains exactly the mentality that is needed to have the greatest positive impact on anyone effected by JW teachings. Great practical suggestions on how to view the person and yourself and how to influence them without force.

http://members.aol.com/beyondjw/xjparent.htm

AlmostAtheist

Seven006's advice is great, and the advice you've gotten to be nonconfrontational is excellent as well. Your wife's in a terrible position because she probably believes that the Watchtower represents "the truth", but she doesn't know enough about it to defend it. So any time you show her something that contradicts the Watchtower and shows it to be wrong, she'll just assume there IS a good answer and she just doesn't know what it is. Frustrating!

Try not to let it turn into a fight. JW's are taught very early on that they will be "persecuted", so telling them they're wrong just plays into that. And calling them a cult definitely doesn't play in your favor.

One of the JW key doctrines is that they are led by the "Faithful and Discreet Slave". Even if a person knew everything that JW's know and did everything they do, they still wouldn't be the "true religion" because they aren't serving within the organization headed up by this "slave". So you might ask her who the faithful and discreet slave was that Charles Russell (founder of JW's) was serving under? In the JW history, he just sort of pops up and starts the modern-day organization, but that's not consistent with their teaching about there always being a "slave" class. Might get her thinking.

But keep things even keel, very kind, not confrontational.

Good luck!

Dave

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