For the last 7 months I have been involved in a "friendship" with a JW. He really was my best friend, who I felt I could confide in and trust with my life. I have to admit that I have never felt as close to another person before in my life, it was as though we were on the same level--he would finish my sentences, know what I was thinking, and feeling. We were very close as friends, but it never went beyond that even though we knew that we were exclusive in each other's life. A couple weeks ago, his brother came to my place of employment and threatened me to stay away from my friend, that I didn't belong with him, that I had no place in his life, he said alot of mean and hurtful things to me, making me feel totally worthless and inferior. But my friend had no clue that his brother came to see me, he's only been told bits and pieces of it from my co-workers who seen me in tears after that conversation. My friend keeps asking what happened, what's wrong, why am I so distant, why can't I look into his eyes like I used to, do I have someone else in my life, etc...I just can't tell him that his brother who he idolizes said such things to me, I know it would hurt him, and that is the one thing that I never want to do. I am not a witness(although, I have gone to meetings with my friend). And this isn't a teenie-bopper crush--I'm 25, he is 27(just to clarify). I have tried to be distant from him, since his brother's remarks, but it's hard--since we do work together. He calls me and I cut it short, and I won't go to lunch with him anymore. I am afraid to be truthful, for his brother's comments were very much to the point, but I miss my friend so much that I think it is driving me crazy. I don't know what to do, I need advice. Does anyone have any advice for me on this situation. I have never been anything but nice to his family, especially his brother. Now, though, I feel totally lost, and I feel this ache in my heart being away from him, and I know he feels the same. What do I do?
relationships and relatives
by butalbee 25 Replies latest social relationships
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larc
This truely is a dilema, and I don't know the solution for sure, but here are my thoughts. You are concerned that you will hurt your good friend if you tell him what his brother said. At the same time both you and he are hurting because you have withdrawn from him after what his brother said to you. I think you should tell the truth about his brother's statements to you. I think your friend will believe you after seeing how you have changed lately. However, there are no guarantees as to how he will react to this imformation. However, if is better to let him know, and let him decide what to do. At this point, he has no idea what is going on, and that can really hurt.
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Prisca
I think you should have a quiet talk with your friend and let him know why you are upset, even if the cause for that upset is his own brother.
Your friend is rightly concerned in your sudden change in behaviour, and as larc said, he is hurting too because you are withdrawing. He may be blaming himself for your being upset. Is that kind in letting him think that? He is missing you, and you need to talk to him aobut this. It may seem difficult, but if you guys are as close as you think, then he will understand and help you sort out this mess.
Hope it goes well.
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butalbee
Today has been a horrible day. My friends' brother came back in to talk to me, telling me that I should have backed off and left them alone, like he said to do, and that now he had to take things into his own hands. At the time I had no clue as to what he meant by his words. But I soon found out when my friend came into work early because he needed to talk to me. The brother told him that I had been seeing another man and that he saw us kissing in a car, and that was the reason why I had been acting so strange lately. My heart fell to the floor. I guess he had been asking his brother for advice on my recent change in attitude towards us. He said that he couldn't believe that I would really do something like that to him and that he trusted me more than any other person that he knew, and that he should've listened to his brother to begin with not to get involved with anyone outside their faith. He wanted to know why, I would hurt him like that--I could not reply. I just stood there with my mouth open in total disbelief. I HAVE NOT BEEN SEEING ANYONE ELSE, I couldn't, I wouldn't, he means everything to me. Just seeing him walk in the room, puts a smile on my face, hearing his voice on the phone, makes me smile. Since I met him, there has been no other man in my life. We never went to the next level in our relationship, I haven't even kissed HIM yet. What we had between us was not a physical thing, it was more than any other relationship I ever had, emotionally we saw into each other's hearts. But why would his brother lie like this? My friend thinks so highly of him, looks up to him for guidance and encouragement. This is a horrible situation and I don't foresee any remedy. I spoke to my sister about this and she thinks that his brother is afraid of loosing him to me. I had to leave work early today, I was in tears...
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logical
I am SO sorry for your experience. I wish I could help, I really do.
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Francois
Good Grief!
TELL THE MAN THE TRUTH - ALL OF IT. NOW!
Franc
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SixofNine
Ditto what Francoise said.
With extra emphasis on the "good grief" part. Geez, your story is like one of those bad sitcoms where if someone would just tell the truth, wacky events would not snowball.
If the boy can't handle the truth, he ain't worth handling.
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butalbee
If I tell him the truth about his demonic brother, I'll loose him anyway. They are so close. This is like some kind of hellish nightmare and I can't wake up.
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stephenw20
((((((((butalbee)))))
I feel for you .. and I am sure you feel as well. A lot it seems has happened by NOT telling the truth.
your connection if it means the same to thisfella as you ,would be well served in an honest fashion. YOu can feel forhim but consider NOT deciding for him .Explain to him as you have to us all you feel he would react about his brother ..but he has to know. and then its HIS decsion... rigth now he cant see the whole picture because you are not enabling him to do so.
and as far as the brother goes....he should conisder meddling in his own like......... if his brother is 27. Get a life. Its this selfrighteous controling bullshit that makes my skin crawl about the JWS.. Oh they are so different ... ya h ok whatever.......
tell him! let the chips fall....let HIM decide .. you are doing, in a way ~exacty ~what his brother is doing but based on different motivations. dont control his reaction let him decide
my best
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spider
I truly feel for you in you're situation.It is obvious that he cares a great deal for you otherwise his brother would not be protectng him from you in such a desperate way.
Can I get this straight.He is a witness,his brother is witness and you are not and you have a very intimate, all be it non physical relationship.Witnesses are not supposed to go out with worldly ones.The scripture goes "do not become unevenly yoked with unbelievers."
I think his brother sees clearly how much you mean to him and he is panicing.
I do not quite understand why you are playing everything to his brother's tune.Why should he have any influence over what you do?
You're friend is an adult as are you.This is between you and you only.True his brother can slander you as he has done but taking such a passive role is going to produce no good effect.At least if you talk to him, you will be in control of you're destiny which will be in some way empowering.
If this guy cares half as much as his brother fears he does then he should listen to you.Don't focus on his brother initially.First of all you need to show him how much you care for him.Open you're heart about what he means to you.Then, when he realizes what he means to you, you might need to explain about what his brother has said.Do not talk about his brother in a negetive way.Perhaps water down what his brother said just a little.Say "I met you're brother and he explained that it might be better not to spend so much time with you" etc.That kind of thing.That way, his brother will not seem like such a bad guy and his family honour will not be inflamed.He will not feel such need to choose loyalty.
I hope it works out for you for I related to the description of you're relationship and it sounds like a wonderful thing.
Remember - having a relationship with a witness can be tough.There are much more emotional and mental barriers to break through brought about by the religious indoctrination.If it is as good as you explain though I am sure it is worth the extra struggle.
All the best