Hi,ummm ive just discovered this site and im not sure why im even writing this but im at rockbottom and i dont know how feel,maybe im just searching to find someone who might understand and help me understand because i feel so alone and ashamed,confused and sad,even people might find me bad because of how these events turned...but im not bad inside,ive always been such a soft caring person at heart,im a good person just always been lost,alone and confused....ill try not babble too much but from the beggining dad was here one minute,not the next and then not at all,to this day still never bothers,mum remarried when i was about 4,this was the guy who sexually abused me at 7,{mum never knew},they had a baby together...i found my brother dead in his cot,he died from cotdeath,and it was just all downhill from there with my life,that was after my brother i was abused by him....they split when i was around 8 and i guess my mum looking back now on it now just went on her own mission but it wasnt easy for me,she fell for another guy and we moved from one place to the next,every time i started a new school and made friends,it was time pack up and go and start all over..... mum settled again and remarried a third time when i was around 12,id started a new high school,maybe its just those teens but i went off the rails with mum,i was terrible,didnt mean to be,but i blamed her for all my hurt and life and id rebel at everything,drinking started,running away started and i just wish now i could have felt close when alls i wanted was to love and be loved back...the next bit until now{im 25 now} is what is killing more than ever and id very much appreciate your thoughts because im lower than ever and still scared....mum is very much here in my life now...its only been a few months but shes heartbroken and the love and understanding has been tremendous off her,she blames herself but i blame me..... when i started the new highschool i met this girl,she became my friend at the time and it was so good to have a friend id do anything she said....anyway she needed some money once and said i know this guy you can come to with me and he will pay you to touch your boobs,thats when it started i agreed because if i said no then shed probably laughed at me,so i went....,it sounds strange{he was nearly 50} but he was very very nice,and said i dont like the person whos brought you up here,shes nasty...,i hated him touch me but i was scared....but at same time i felt i could really trust him,me and this girl never did stay friends....theres another big big part in all of this,but from 13 this guy became the bestest friend i ever had in my WHOLE Life,but everything was a big secret,its lasted years...he had an hold over me,though i knew he was supposed be my friend i knew he musnt really be one else he wouldnt put me through the torture of crying and not coping when i had my baby...my babe is 8now but still when i let him touch my boobs so i can buy the best part of my life something nice or take him somewhere that man would buy bigger and better and undermine all my hurt.... it all got too much before christmas....i knew this man was touching other girls,and he just had his first granddaughter,i completley cracked and broke down....i mean really cracked up they sent me to hospital.....other girls have since spoke up,but this guy hung himself on Feb 4th and its killing me because i dont know what think,i dont know what do,if id stayed quiet then hed be alive...So am i a murderer for speaking up?Was he ever a friend?I feel so guilty....as much as i try love and always be good life brings bad stuff......does god hate me? Im sorry if ive babbled to much,but hope someone reads this and helps me understand...Godbless everyone. formatted to make it easier to read "Mulan"
New here,i hope someone might help,my abuser hung himself
by Linzlou24 38 Replies latest watchtower child-abuse
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valkyrie
Oh, Linzlou24, you poor woman!
First, you've landed in a soft place here - on this website. I've seen JWD Posters in action, and they can be shade from the sun, cool water to parched lips and even a cyber-hug when you need one. It sounds like you need one now! {{{Linzlou24}}}
Second, black-and-white thinking will, indeed, curdle your thoughts; e.g., was he evil because he abused you as a young girl or was he worth saving at all costs because he represented a stable 'friendship' when you had no place else to turn? Equally curdling is to believe that you are responsible for his decision (to escape authoritative consequences for his past actions through suicide), or that you could have saved his life by keeping silent about the abuse.
Remind yourself, rather: You made a decision which may spare the innocence and sanity of other young girls who might have become future victims; He made a decision which, effectively, does the same. You no longer need take his feelings into consideration as you work on your own recovery. I do hope you reach out to find stability and support from an experienced and wise counselor, even as you seek friends to help you through this time.
-V.
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diamondblue1974
Well done for sharing this...it must have been extremely difficult for you to even try to describe how you must feel; you should try to see a counsellor about all you have experienced; the feelings you have are natural but you were not to blame and neither were you to blame for the other instances of abuse in your life either.
Seek some professional help immediately and start to put your experiences into some perspective.
DB74
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Scully
No, he was never your friend. He exploited you. He used you. He abused you.
You are not a murderer for turning him in. You saved yourself from his abuse. You saved the other girls he was abusing. You saved many more potential victims. There's no doubt in my mind that you did the right thing.
He killed himself to escape justice and avoid having to pay for the things he did to you and the others. He was a coward - he couldn't even have a relationship with an adult woman - he had to pay young girls to let him touch them - that just shows how emotionally immature and cowardly he was. He knew that what he was doing was wrong - he expected you to keep his secret, so that he could keep doing what he was doing. Sexual abuse flourishes in secrecy.
You didn't do anything wrong by speaking up and reporting what you know. There are parents from all over who thank you for being brave and reporting him to the authorities. You did the world a huge favor by reporting a child predator. He did the world a huge favor by ridding the world of himself.
You probably should talk to a counsellor or a therapist about this.
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Satanus
Yes, things like this are confusing. Religious types always feel compelled to make judgements. That is their right. However, it may help you if you can withold judgement for now, both of the guy, your friend who got you into that and also of yourself. Noone is totally evil, noone is totally good/innocent.
As someone suggested, you need a therapist/counselor to help you work this out.
S
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unclebruce
Welcome to JWD Linzlou24
There are some wonderful people here and many of us who understand exactly the issues you're dealing with. I must go but you will get help here. One request - your posts will be much easier to read if you press "enter" now and then to insert some paragraph breaks. best of best wishes, and another thing:
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Linzlou24)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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ferret
Welcome Linzlou24. First of all god does not hate you even though he might hate your conduct. We are all sinners and many of us have committed some serious sins. But we are forgiven of them through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ. Hang in there things will get better and bad memories will fade.
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Gretchen956
Welcome, Linzlou24, and thanks for sharing your story. There is healing in even speaking it to someone else. Thats the first step. You have a lot of courage to tell us of your pain. Many here have experienced abuse and so they can feel your pain, the rest of us will support you and hear your story and so help to take just a bit of the edge off hopefully.
The first thing you have to learn to do is forgive yourself. Have you talked to a counselor or therapist? Please do so, they can help so much.
Blessings,
Sherry
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diamondblue1974
First of all god does not hate you even though he might hate your conduct. We are all sinners and many of us have committed some serious sins. But we are forgiven of them through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ
What does she have to be forgiven for? Thats a sick thing to say to someone who has suffered abuse!
DB74
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dinah
I totally agree with Diamondblue--that was a terrible to thing to say to a woman who just asked for help and bared her soul for all of us too see. She DOES NOT need judgement. She needs LOVE. (May I add Christ can help her in that respect)
Linzlou, that was brave!! You need to realize, like Scully mentioned, this man was NEVER your friend. You probably were craving attention and love, but that was not what you got. He abused you. Your inner self was telling you something was wrong with the situation. If you feel bad about something someone does to you---they are hurting you!!
Also, you were NOT responsible for his actions. He was a grown man, you were a lost and scared kid. He took advantage of you. Had he not done these terrible things, he would still be alive in all probability. Those decisions were HIS. He did something wrong, not you.
If you don't have medical insurance check with your local Public Health Office. They can direct you to counsellors and other mental help. They really do help.