Dear Linzlou
Your story is so sad, you need ask for no-ones forgiveness. I hope you find all the love, support and kindness you and your child deserve. I hope you don't mind but I've reproduced your post below in a way that will be easier to read - I've changed nothing - I think it is importnat for your story to be read and understood.
Love,
Nic'
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I'll try not babble too much but from the beginning dad was here one minute, not the next and then not at all, to this day still never bothers. Mum remarried when I was about 4,this was the guy who sexually abused me at 7 (mum never knew). They had a baby together...I found my brother dead in his cot, he died from cot death and it was just all downhill from there with my life, that was after my brother was abused by him. They split when I was around 8 and I guess my mum looking back now on it now just went on her own mission but it wasn’t easy for me, she fell for another guy and we moved from one place to the next. Every time I started a new school and made friends it was time to pack up and go and start all over.....mum settled again and remarried a third time when I was around 12.
I'd started a new high school, maybe its just those teens but I went off the rails with mum, I was terrible, didn’t mean to be, but I blamed her for all my hurt and life and id rebel at everything, drinking started, running away started and I just wish now I could have felt close when all I wanted was to love and be loved back. The next bit until now (I’m 25 now) is what is killing more than ever and I’d very much appreciate your thoughts because I’m lower than ever and still scared.
Mum is very much here in my life now...its only been a few months but she's heartbroken and the love and understanding has been tremendous off her, she blames herself but I blame me.....when I started the new high school I met this girl, she became my friend at the time and it was so good to have a friend I’d do anything she said....anyway she needed some money once and said "I know this guy you can come to with me and he will pay you to touch your boobs". That’s when it started. I agreed because if I said no then she’d probably laugh at me, so I went.
It sounds strange (he was nearly 50) but he was very, very nice, and said "I don’t like the person who’s brought you up here, she’s nasty". I hated him touch me but I was scared but at same time I felt I could really trust him. This girl and me never did stay friends, there’s another big, big part in all of this, but from 13 this guy became the best friend I ever had in my WHOLE life, but everything was a big secret. Its lasted years...he had a hold over me, though I knew he was supposed be my friend I knew he mustn’t really be one else he wouldn’t put me through the torture of crying and not coping when I had my baby
My babe is 8 now but still when I let him touch my boobs so I can buy the best part of my life something nice or take him somewhere that man would buy bigger and better and undermine all my hurt....it all got too much before Christmas....I knew this man was touching other girls, and he just had his first granddaughter, I completely cracked and broke down....I mean really cracked up.
They sent me to hospital.....other girls have since spoke up, but this guy hung himself on Feb 4th and its killing me because I don’t know what to think, I don’t know what to do, if I’d stayed quiet then he’d be alive...So am I a murderer for speaking up? Was he ever a friend? I feel so guilty.... as much as I try to love and always be good life brings bad stuff......does god hate me? I’m sorry if I’ve babbled too much, but I hope someone reads this and helps me understand.
God bless everyone.
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