Parents' reaction to the baby

by Nosferatu 49 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Nosferatu

  
  I know I'm telling you guys this a bit late, but I really needed to let it sink in.

  We told my parents about the baby sooner than we had planned. We told them last Friday. They were the LEAST enthusiastic of all the people we told.

  One of the first things out of my JW mother's mouth was "How can you raise a child in this terrible world?"

  My father started rattling his fingers on the table. I know what that means. It means he's disappointed in me. He did that when I announced that I was moving out, when I announced I was getting married, and now this time.

  I verified this the other day with my mother. I asked her what he thought of the baby, and she said "The same thing he thought of your wedding". In other words, I've royally fucked up my life.

  It's so sad that these two people can NEVER be happy for me. They're always disappointed with the decisions I've made in my life. I've done so well on my own, but they never see it that way. Then they wonder why I never come to visit them.

  My father gave my mother's son (from her first marriage) over $300 when he got married. He gave me (his only son) nothing when I got married, but came to the wedding to eat as much food as possible. He treats my half-brother's kids like they are his own grandchildren. I'm guessing he's not going to do the same for my kids. Then, when the topic of my half-brother comes up, my father trashes him.

  My mother is the JW and was physically abusive to me when I was a child. I don't want her trying to brainwash my child, and I don't want her to lay a hand on him/her.

  What shitty grandparents my child is going to have.
• 

  FlyingHighNow

  
  Your child will have good parents though. And what about your wife's parents? Then there are other people who can be like grandparents to your child.

  It hurts to have crummy parents. I can empathize. I'd rather have had good parents if I had to choose between good parents and good grandparents.
• 

  Nosferatu

  You know, I pretty much got the reaction that I expected from them. You'd think I'd be used to all the frowning and disappointment over the years. But it still fucking hurts.
• 

  Narkissos

  Sorry to hear that Nos. I really find this unbearable.

  My late JW father chose to ignore my daughter when she was born -- she was her only granddaughter. My relationship with him, which had always been difficult (the religious issue being only a part of the problems), strangely went worse from this moment on. For the last few years of his life we didn't speak to each other.

  Somehow the birth of a child brings us back to our childhood (both the parents' and grandparents' childhood), reviving long-forgotten issues. It's a crossroads where we have to choose between us (including our guilt, resentment, etc.) and the newcomer. Between the past and the future.

  That's sad, but at least you know what really matters now.
• 

  blondie

  If you haven't already, you might find this book helpful.

  Toxic Parents : Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life (Paperback)by Susan Forward

  http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0553284347/102-6157399-6929716?v=glance&n=283155

  It looks like your parents have a pattern and are staying true to form. I found I couldn't change my parents but I could change how I reacted to them and be determined not to let them hurt any children I would have.

  Blondie
• 

  damselfly

  It's so sad that these two people can NEVER be happy for me. They're always disappointed with the decisions I've made in my life. I've done so well on my own, but they never see it that way. Then they wonder why I never come to visit them.

  I know how you feel.

  Are your wife's parents supportive of the new baby? If they are ( and I mean really how can people not love babies?! ) then let your parents now how supportive and excited they are about it. Make them the focus on conversations with your parents, maybe you can shame them into changing their tune. If not I would just flatly state that their negativity is not welcome and will not be displayed around your child.

  Dams
• 

  FlyingHighNow

  You know, I pretty much got the reaction that I expected from them. You'd think I'd be used to all the frowning and disappointment over the years. But it still fucking hurts.

  Nos, it's them that are messed up, not you.
  
  Nark is right. Maybe your parents will re-examine their stand when they see the other grandparents enjoying and doting on the baby.
  wrote my dad a couple of years ago and told him how his behavior and treatment had affected all of us kids. He digested the info and he turned around with a good reaction. Dad told me he was never any good at parenting,Dad said he probably never was going to be father of the year. He said he did love us and yes, he did have regrets. He's 76 and we can all tell he does have regrets. He has had to take an anti-depressant lately. I plan to tell him that he could undo some of that guilt by remembering his five surviving children in his will.
• 

  lucky

  Nos,

  I'm so sorry. I recently found out that my husband and I are expecting our first child and I was terrified of telling my JW mom, expecting a reaction similar to that of your parents. I initially decided I wasn't going to tell her for awhile, but I was getting very stressed just anticipating the reaction and decided to get it over with. My heart was beating a million miles a minute and I thought I was going to have a heart attack when I told her. She was thrilled. I was SO relieved. We only talked briefly because she was headed off to the bookstudy, but a weight was lifted off my shoulders. The next day, though, she called and told me she thought I should get a new blood card (I've been "inactive" for 9 years now) and went on and on about how I needed to be careful because something could go wrong and I wouldn't want to have blood and blah blah blah. Since then, though, she's been pretty good, but I can totally relate to your concerns about your parents future influence. I'm worried, too, about the future with birthdays and holidays and preaching and all of that. My husband has already put his foot down against unsupervised visits to grandma, for fear of attempts at conversion.

  I really hope your parents come around and become excited. Babies are pretty hard to be mad at!
• 

  ferret

  Adopt new parents that show unconditional love.
• 

  Nosferatu

  If you haven't already, you might find this book helpful.

  Toxic Parents : Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life (Paperback)

  I own the book, and I've read it. It was very helpful with a lot of things, especially how it supports how I don't have to forgive them. It still doesn't help take away the pain though.

  I'm a pretty tough guy, and I've dealt with all the crap I've been put through quite well. It's all built up so much and I think I've almost reached my breaking point. I think I need to spend some time alone tonight and have a good cry. It's hard not to do it here at work.

  Are your wife's parents supportive of the new baby?

  Her mother is. Her dad's a heartless bastard. The child will at least have one good grandparent.

  It's amazing how people all around me have been wrong on so many things. "When you get older, you'll come to appreciate your parents and feel that love for them". I was told this when I was a teenager. I'm 28 now, and I don't feel that way at all. I've also been told that babies change people, especially grandparents. I have a feeling that's not going to happen either.

  It's nice that I can relate to people here on JWD who have these same problems and feelings.