Please help, don't want to lose daughter

by katy 30 Replies latest social relationships

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  jwfacts

  It sounds like your daughter is already quite trapped mentally by it all. You do not want to ruin your relationship with her though if she does become a JW, so will need to be gentle with her.

  You need to try to reason with her on thought provoking questions early on. She will be told not to believe apostate information, so say that since it is so important a decision she should at least research your questions. Unfortunately she may not care but want to be a JW to keep her husband happy.

  Ask her who were Gods followers before Pastor Russell started the religion in the 1870's. Out of all the thousands of religions, why would he suddenly have this one? There is information about this teaching at http://jwfacts.com/index_files/5min.htm

  An important difference in the JW New World Translation is that they have added the word Jehovah to the New Testament, changing the meaning of New Testament quite significantly. Ask if a religion that changes God's word the bible can be trusted.

  Say that 1914 is very important to JWs but that the date for the start of it,607 is made up, with no historical evidence.

  I find some of the many lies in the Watchtower to be eyeopening, such as their statements about earthquakes. Again, how can you trust such an org?

  Discuss how much doctrine has been changed. Things like the wrong dates, that blood could be eaten, then not transfused at all, now most of it can be. There is a list at www.jwfacts.com

  Hope that helps a bit.
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  Death to the Pixies

  But also note the difference. This woman is motivated to INFLUENCE her daughter such that the DAUGHTER has more control over HER own life.

  Over-kill. I have yet to read anything in this situation that suggests the daughter does not/ or is not the master of her own life. If she chooses to let the JW world-view influence her, that is her choice. Just because she could potentially disagree with your world-view does not immediatley suggest a lack of control over her life. . She has the freedom to make up her own mind and I do not discourage her to hear both sides. But once HER mind is made up, it is best not to make an uneeded distraction. THAT could cause problems which is what we are trying to avoid. We want a happy family, which can and does exist between Jws and their Non-Jw families. I speak from experience. We need to be careful not to let crass generalizations (ever present in Carla's post) influence too much. If the Mother (Katy) comes from this area of thought, the daughter will simply (and rightfully) pass her Mothers ideas off as uneducated. If the roles were reversed, you would be making the points in my argument. Would you not?

  The mother will appeal to her daughter using carefully thought out questions designed to get her to be open to ;ALL facts and ideas.

  The JW will appeal to the daughter by asking her to ONLY look at facts and ideas that support the JW paradigm

  This is again a double standard. You automatically assume that the Jw understaning of the issue is incorrect and passed off as the "JW paradigm" (incorrect view forced upon) whereas the other view is based on "well thought out Questions" (ie, not forced upon opinion, but simply the "truth") .The Mother has an opinion based on her morals, so does the daugher.

  I see no problem with her Mon giving her opinion, as long as she knows the difference between "both sides" and being stubborn with her own "side" of the coin.

  Everyone seems cool in Katys post and she herself seems intelligent, that is why can have optimism.
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  Wasanelder Once

  Katy,

  The fact that your daughter came home for christmas "like normal" I think you said, shows she's still in the early stages of indoctrination. That's good. She isn't yet unreasoning and accepting of all she's told. You must decide if you need to intercept what she's being taught or not. If you don't, you run the risk of her deciding, eventually, that you are not good association for her or her daughter. You also run the risk of her only talking about religion in your presence. Now, you can do the same to her, which would be a mistake and I assume not your motive.

  I can't tell you exactly what to do because I dont know your daughter, but you do. I would suggest that you lay off the heavy pressure and just drop questions. For me, the most obvious are the most powerful.

  If I dont become a Jehovah's Witness, what will happen to me and all our family? Do I have to be a Witness to be saved by Jehovah? Will he cause my eyes to rot out of my head as I stand or will fiery hail crush my skull?

  Asking these questions in direct, non sarcastic ways, made me think.

  Why would Jehovah do such a thing? If she says well, all the wicked will suffer this, then ask, Will I be considered wicked and have my skull crushed? If you agree that there is no fiery hell, you could say, "I agree that a loving God would never torment people forever in fire, but would he burn men, women and children alive until they die by fire from heaven? What's the difference?

  I would ask, thier question: they often ask, "If you had a child that disobeyed you, would you hold thier hand in an open flame for a week? If you did, what would the neighbor's think? Would they say you were a loving Father or mother? Therefore, Jehovah wouldn't do it to us in a firey hell. SO THEN: If you had a child that disobeyed you would you take them into the street and poor gasoline on them and light them on fire and watch them be consumed before you? If the police came would telling them that "Its way shorter than eternity" make it ok? What would that make you if you did it to 6 billion people at once?

  What about your baby neices and nephews, (if there are any. OR any other appropriate child relative.) Instead of presenting anything new, make her defend what she is being taught and holds to.

  Keep it low key. The heavy doctrine stuff can come in time.

  Good luck,

  W.Once
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  Snoozy

  When I first met the witnesses it was at a small bible study. They all got together and gave me a baby shower.

  That pulled me in. I thought what a loving bunch of people. I didn't care what ANYONE said about them. Of course they weren't so well known then.
  These were my friends..I too had moved and knew no one..so when they came along..I had instant friends. It sounds like that is happening to your daughter. I don't think she is into doctrine yet.

  I would stand my ground in trying to just point out things to give her something to think about but I really don't think she will stop now. Her husband and the witnesses are all she has in her new surroundings.

  She probably even has a new Mother figure..at the Kingdom Hall.

  My Mother just sat by and waited for me to outgrow it so to speak.I guess she figured if she argued I might go the wrong way. Well it took 13 years and a lot of wasted time . By the time I finally got fed up my mom was too sick to appreciate the fact.

  After she died my Dad told me that it had really hurt my Mom deeply that she couldn't celebrate Christmas or Birthday's with the kids as they were growing up.But it was too late.

  They were grown up when I left.

  I hope things work out better for you..but I bet she already has strong ties to her "New found friends". And unless she makes some worldly friends there..I don't see her leaving. She is the wife and Mommy to be and they can be so convincing that they are her only "True" friends..

  Wish I could over some hope..but I know how lonely she probably is at her new place and they just move right in!

  Snoozy..Who hopes you can talk and visit her a lot so she doesn't forget who she is.Your Daughter!
• 

  BlackSwan of Memphis

  Hi Katy,

  I think you've gotten some great advice.

  Asking genuine heartfelt questions that get her to think will be helpful.

  I was also thinking that perhaps a trip to your local Catholic store might yield some interesting reading material. I've heard that many people are really enjoying Mother Angelica's book that is out. Something that might help her to not lose touch with her own roots. I was just at Borders the other day in the religion section browsing for something to read and noticed the number of books written for those of the Catholic faith.

  A new bible perhaps even? Letting her know that you're happy she is returning to some form of spirituality and that you really do encourage bible reading.

  Maybe try to get her to talk about the Church. See if you can get her to share her thoughts about the religion of her youth? Just let her talk. Maybe it will give you some insight as to why she would consider going to the meetings in the first place.

  Maybe you could even say that it's great that she wants to support her husbands decision to go back to the religion he was raised with and that she would be loving and open minded enough to go to a few meetings. When is he going to support her by visiting the local church with her and encourage to go back to the religion of her youth? Also ask, what if she decides to have a bible study but decides to return to the Church how will that affect things? Would he be agreeable to having the baby baptized to show support of her beliefs? What about holidays and birthdays? Would he be agreeable to allowing those celebrations to take place in the house?

  Have you talked with your parish priest? (hope I have that right) Perhaps he could offer some valuable suggestions, maybe offer some good questions that you can ask her about her faith.

  Check out that link that was provided. Catholicxjw good place for support. Nice people.

  Telling a person outright that it is a cult, might not be as effective as helping them see it for themself. I think that the suggestions given here as to what to ask her about the witnesses and the links provided should be helpful.

  Perhaps too, be careful about bombarding her with everything all at once. Stretch questions and strategies out over time.

  Welcome to the board.

  Don't lose heart! (hope this wasn't too long to read I write too much sometimes, lol)

  meagan
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  jgnat

  C_Y_P has provided a great list of resources. I do hope you'll take his suggestion and get informed. jwfacts, I believe, has assessed your situation accurately.

  It sounds like your daughter is already quite trapped mentally by it all. You do not want to ruin your relationship with her though if she does become a JW, so will need to be gentle with her.

  Your daughter has already married in secret, moved away from your direct influence, and is hiding her involvement with the JW's for fear of your reaction. She will have been told already that anyone "opposed" to her choices is being influenced by Satan. That is why, though your daughter is in a dangerous situation, you must react gently.

  Imagine a little girl playing between the paws of a lion. You want to coax her away without alarming the lion or causing your daughter to make any drastic moves.

  So, put on the brave mamma's face, go along with all her preferences, compliment your daughter on all her good decisions, be neutral about the dumb ones, reminisce of good times past, promise to love her forever no matter what, and when she is open, gently ask her questions about what she believes. Don't REACT to her answers, just neutrally receive them. In this case, you won't be able to TELL her what to do, you want to encourage her to think for herself.
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  carla

  We want a happy family- Who wants a happy family? Are you suggesting the hell wants a happy family? Tell me how happy is one to be when every week, 5 meetings a week you are force fed the fact that evey non jw is evil and doomed for destruction?

  Maybe you have not seen the extreme personality changes when someone joins as an adult but I have. I live with it. Maybe you don't even realize the control this org has over it's members or yourself. If her daughter joins she will likely have drastic personality changes and not for the good in my opinion. I have yet to have someone tell me my jw has become a 'better' person. The comments are usually on the order of 'he seems odd', 'no warmth', 'where's his sense of humor gone?', 'doesn't have much to say these days?', 'he tried talking to me about religion, and became kind of spacey, what's going on', and things on that order. His communication skills have deteriorated not improved. I often have to 'translate' for him because he doesn't seem to understand what normal people are saying. All these changes are a direct cause of joining this mind numbing cult.

  It is deadly, to a persons personality, capacity to love, and then there is the ungodly blood issue which kills how many people? How many suicides are a direct result of this cult? Death to the Pixies you can hide your head in the sand but the problems will still be there when and if you ever decide to stick your head up out of that sand and reach for the truth.
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  jschwehm

  Hi Katy:

  Contact me at [email protected] and we can help you. You can also visit our website at www.catholicxjw.com

  Jeff S.
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  Mary

  DTTP said: We want a happy family, which can and does exist between Jws and their Non-Jw families.

  Riiight......As soon as the Witnesses rope you in, they "encourage" you to have less and less to do with your non-Dub family members and more to do with them until more often than not, the fleshly family gets knocked to the bottom rung. And if your fleshly family were Witnesses at one time but have left after finding out what a crock it all was, then you're supposed to shun them completely or have "almost no contact" with them, as per the Governing Body's instructions.

  Katy has every reason to be very concerned about her daughter getting sucked in by this cult.......Katy, you should give your daughter and son in law a copy of Crisis of Conscience. Maybe that'll make them stop and think.
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  jgnat

  DTTP said: We want a happy family, which can and does exist between Jws and their Non-Jw families.

  Riiight......that's why the lone JW remaining in our family never bothers to show up for any of our gatherings.