so exhausted you can't rest (page 5)

serendipity

JW is showing concern for Mario. He just didn't bother to read all the subsequent posts.

jw

Hi Mario,
thanks for giving us some insight into your 'glamorous' jet-setting lifestyle. Is there any way you can take time off to rest & relax? If it's not fun anymore, then it's time to find something else.
I really do need to go to sleep permanently and get the rest I need from this life, from the memories and from myself too.

Your statement is a bit worrisome. I know that when a person is exhausted, permanent sleep is very appealing (I was there at one point) but after you've rested up, please get some therapy or help if you still feel this way. Your daughter needs you.

And I totally respect your response!

Hi Family:

I just arrived back in Helsinki today. I am staying at the Comfort Inn Pilotti in Vantaa near the international airport. I arrived and never unpacked. The pager and cell phone started minutes after I landed and it's about 9PM and I am still at work. I have not done laundry, showered, shaved and need a haircut. You might think this is all crazy, but it is true.

I arrived at the office and remembered where everything was and entered the "war room" and everyone just looks at me and assumes this is my "style" or how I dress and they don't even think for a moment what it's like to get rushed from one project to another because I am a piece of shit temporary consultant and they are full-time employees and managers.

When I can, I have been sneaking in a few pages here and there of the latest authorized posthumous biography of Che Guevara. As I read more andmroe about his childhood, personal life, I can see why the disdain and contempt for authority, for the wealthy and for the political overcame him and became his driving force towards final confrontations. I feel it is happening to me too.

I am relating this to you because you ARE MY FAMILY. And, also because I saw that "JW" got the wrong end of the bull, by the horns so to speak and I feel sorry and sad about that. I want all of you to get along and support one another and be happy and work together here for yourselves, for others and for new people. All of you are incredible and provide unbelievable help, support and save lives, even though you may not be aware of the depth and levels your contributions penetrate in the lives of the broken and weary.

JW was right. I am too tired and I believe my confrontation is coming soon too, like El Che. I am tired of the rat race. Marina knows how I feel and she knows I can't keep living without both of my girls together and I can' find peace or justice in life. It is too much to ask to keep living for others and accept the painful truth that justice and peace do not exist after Talia's death.

I love everyone I call a friend and relative, I really really do and some of you who know me personally can attest to that (LDH, loneleysheep, bebu, Nena/Chris, Hubert, AlanF, a so many others....forgive the oversights). But, you reach your limits. I know I cannot provide a decent and stable home environment for Marina without professional employment. However, the mental burdens and stress of professional employment are combining with other external factors and they are counting down my time at a much faster pace than I would have expected as of last year.

I really don't want to go through another home purchasing process, or another cross-country or international move. I don't want Marina to keep changing schools, losing the few young friends she has made while survivng this tragedy. My family is tired of seeing me this way in both locations and I am not even keeping up with health and fitness anymore.

I am for all intents and purposes a functional alcoholic. I start in the morning with the mini-bar to forget the restless night before and then it's off to the airport bar, then it's the drink cart, and then it's the next hotel mini-bar again and on and on and on the cycle goes and where it stops, who knows? Please don't argue with each other because all of you are helping me everyday! Some of you have different timing and different perception but I know the intentions and motives are pure and loving.

I wish I could buy all of you your own personal utopia the exact way you would have it and make you live forever in peace.

Your brother always,
MJB
LOVE

sass_my_frass

Hi bub, it's good to hear from you!

I know that this is a sad day for you. Your lifestyle is exhausting, just to read about it. But your ability to get your head together, pull out of your depression and get yourself together so that you could provide for your daughter is proof of an amazing strength.

There must be another way to be a father... what happened to Italy? Where does Marina live now - and has she changed her mind about some time in Italy? Are you able to hole up there with the family who have supported you in the past?

cruzanheart

Mario, you know that all of us will work as hard as we can to help you through this. Did I read it correctly -- it sounds as though you're saying Marina WANTS to live with you? If that is so, then that's wonderful news and you should start thinking about what you can do that will keep you in one place with her, to build a new life.

Alcohol, in my Greek opinion, does indeed serve a useful purpose, but it can also skew your views of life. My dad got used to taking 3 Xanax a day plus downing a couple of liters of wine per day and he was a different person on that. He did not have a good perspective. There was a brief time when he stopped drinking and taking Xanax and took Effexor (antidepressant) and he was my old dad again. But he missed drinking too much so he stopped the antidepressant so he could drink again. Then we couldn't reason with him, he was either very high or very low emotionally, and eventually he self-destructed.

Whatever happens, my friend, is your decision, and I guess there's some comfort in having that control. But I hope you will get to a point where your schedule slows down enough for you to step back and look at what COULD be: a life watching Marina grow up away from the toxic JWs, perhaps see your grandchildren and just be there for her and for them. There will be a hole in all of our lives but especially in Marina's if you leave us too soon.

I don't care how old I get, I'll always miss my dad and feel that the last chapter of my life with him in it was ripped away too soon. My son has been an emotional mess since Dad killed himself. After a year of therapy all he can say is that the emotional freefall has stopped but he's not happy. It's ALWAYS with him. Marina has lost her sister, her mother -- please don't let her lose you too. Whatever she says now, she will regret the loss of you for the rest of her life.

LOTS of hugs,

Nina

hubert

Please excuse me while I give you hell, Mario. I know this is the worse week of the year for you, so this is not going to be easy for me to say.

Mario, I'm so sorry that you lost your child. You are not the only one who has lost a child through tragedy. Look at all the people that lost their whole families in the Tsunami. Look at all the ones that lost their loved ones in the earthquake in Indonesia. You are not alone, Mario. These survivors willl have to go on living. If everyone who loses someone close to them gives up, shit, there'd be no one left on the earth !!

So, please try to snap out of your depression, and go on with life and yes, for you, and marina !

why? because you should.

Sorry, my good friend, I just had to tell you how I feel. If you want to give me hell for what I just said, feel free to let me have it. Nothing you can say to me will ever hurt our friendship, my brother.

((((((((((to you and Marina)))))))))

Hubert

jw

Consider this. Perhaps Talia would rejoice in knowing you remarried and gave her many more siblings. Just a thought.

luna2

Is there any way you can get a week off so you can relax and wind down a bit? This schedule is crushing you.

AudeSapere

Surely there is a way for you to tell someone not to schedule you so tightly and so chaotically. There has to be a way for you to take a week or two off from the insane schedule.

You need a rest. And a little pampering. A hammock under a shade tree with a nice cool breeze.

Somehow there has to be a way for you to be able to enjoy even just that little slice of life.

Is there someone you can call to tell them that you will be 'unavailable' from June 20-30 or something like that. I find that often just having time off scheduled on the calendar helps me get thru the craziness.

If you get too rundown, they will be forced to change their plans at the last minute. Giving 2-3 weeks (or whatever) notice that you need 5-15 days off should be workable. No?

We love you, Mario. {{{{Mario}}}}

-Denise.

so exhausted you can't rest