Hi Family:
Recently, a new revelation occurred to me about the night of the fire. I know I tried in vain to find Talia in the dark, amidst the smoke and flames, but I remember distinctly screaming as loud as I could to reach her somehow and I screamed so many times but I only realize now that even if she had called out to me I would never have heard her due to the sound of the flames, burning objects, noise, crowds, agents, vehicles and so many distractions and other things that all got in the way between Talia and I that night.
I feel so terrible, even more so now thinking how that poor little girl must have screamed for help, too afriad to move because of the flames, and then passing out due to toxic smoke inhalation which ended up poisoning her kidneys, lungs and liver and then spread to her heart. I lost my little girl for all of the wrong and preventable reasons and it feels even worse now than ever before while I am forced to live for others.
How I wish some criminal would rob and kill me or a vehicle would crush me or something natural could happen without hurting anyone else uninvolved. I am so tired.
I just wanted to let all of you know what has been on my mind lately.
so exhausted you can't rest
by Utopian Reformist 65 Replies latest jw experiences
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Utopian Reformist
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Shakita
Dear Mario, I am sorry to hear that you are still suffering greatly over what happemed to your little girl Talia. I can't imagine the unbearable pain, grief and suffering that you continue to endure. It is a testament to your strength and personal resolve that you are still here among us. And we are grateful that such a tender soul as yourself is still here with us. I'd like to propose a scenario. Just suppose for the sake of argument that Talia has survived into the next world. I realize that there are many here that don't believe in that, but hear me out. Just imagine that your little girl is looking down on you and she sees your emotional turmoil. What do you think that she would say to you if she could talk with you now? Maybe she would say something like: "Daddy, it breaks my heart to see you suffering so intensely. I know that you love me so deeply and that you blame yourself for my death, but you are not to blame. It is not your fault. I know that that doesn't take away your pain and suffering, but I don't want you to torment yourself any longer with what if's. Daddy, you will see me one day again. Until that time comes, please live your life. As hard as it may be, try to find happiness in the present. Your anguish will fade in time, though you will never forget me and you will always define your life by that tragic event. The world needs such a tender and loving soul as yourself. I will love you always." My dear friend, I know that if I died and my family was suffering greatly, I would want them to move on with their lives. I would feel great sadness seeing my family was suffering but that there was nothing that I could do. Maybe your gift to Talia is to find happiness once again. I realize that such a thing seems impossible right now, but don't you think that if Talia were still alive that that is what she would tell you? My two brothers lost each of their sons to tragic circumstances. My younger brother lost his son to leukemia and my older brother lost his son to a brain tumor. I must admit that I was at a loss for words as to how to comfort them. There really aren't any words of comfort that are adequate, in my opinion. My brothers will always mourn the loss of their precious children, but I can say that I admire their strength of character for enduring such a thing and continuing to live on. You have far more strength than you give yourself credit for. You have the ability to rise above this tragedy and to be whole again some day. I am confident that you will be able to use your experience to help others in like circumstances some day. Just never give up, my friend. The world needs more people like yourself. I send my love and the love of my family to you Mario. Love, Mr. Shakita
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bebu
Hey there Mario,
You need to be careful what you spend your thoughts on these days. What exists in your memory is something that IS NO LONGER TRUE. Talia is NOT still there. She was rescued. She even managed to communicate with you in the hospital. She found relief there. And though she is not with you, she is NOT dealing with fire any longer--or the after effects, like survivors still must do. For her, it may be totally forgotten about in terms of pain. Her attention is not there. And neither must yours be.
Instead of reflecting endlessly on the last few minutes of her life, consider these facts: Talia's life was 99.9% free of the difficulties of most kids in the world! Out of millions of hours of her life, only 1 was one we could truly say was horrendous. And that exerience is OVER for her. She is not frozen in time there, forever suffering. Rather, it is YOU that keeps frozen. You need to thaw.
Get some sleep. Cut back on your hours. Whenever you can't shake the thoughts or fears, you need to repeat lines like "She's safe NOW" or "She escaped pain at last" to fight the ones that you've been repeating endlessly to yourself. Those thoughts you have are like poison. The antidote is to insist on thinking about what IS true: she really is totally free from that fire and from that pain. You must meet the troubling thoughts head-on with the correction.
Even when you have waves of sorrow hit, because emotions can ambush us easily, just hold onto the raft of those truths and you will eventually get your feet on ground again. Over time, you will be able to get the upper hand.
BTW I hope you got my email from the other day. I hope you will be able to work on changing your schedule to breathe some Scandinavian air, and especially go visit with Valkyrie (wow, nice invitation! ) in Norway.
Your bossy sister,
bebu
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LDH
Mario,
Dreams often are a manifest of what we spend time on during the day. I can't tell you to 'stop dwelling on it' as though the experience is like a light switch that you can turn off.
What I can tell you, that I hope will help you, the human body has a defense mechanism from many horrible situations, it's called shock. This is the way the human body reacts to situations too overwhelming to deal with. People are not in pain when they are in shock; you know this is true. Shock prevented Talia from enduring what you are imagining she endured.
Please forgive yourself, or you are doomed to a long, miserable life.
Talia forgave you a long time ago, Mario.
Lisa
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Fleur
What could I possibly add to those beautiful posts by Bebu and LDH? I couldn't say anything better, or more than that.
Mario, you are the only one still trapped in the fire. Please, save yourself, because we care about you, and Talia would want you to...I am so sorry for your pain, there are no words.
hugs,
essie
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meatloaf
Mario,
We forget what suicide really is.
. It doesn't really relieve us of the pain we're so desperate to get rid of. Instead it just transfers the pain to all of your friends and family.