by enlightenedcynic 78 Replies latest jw experiences
she puts her hand under my jacket and playfully scratches my back(her sign to me when she wants sex)..."Maybe we can do something tonight", she says.
Very cruel behavior! She should be counselled for withholding sex from you! She is also treating you like a child and is not in subjection! It ought to be pointed out that she is not following the rules, either!
You have my sympathy, this sounds like my wife and circumstances. I could never love a woman who squealed on me for reading a book to see if our child's rape was a common occurrence in the WT. I have a degree in Psych. You have virtually no chance of having a healthy marriage with this woman. Any love you feel will have "strings" attached to it forever. I would fade, divorce her (after considering what's best for any children), and move on. If you stay with her, you'll hate yourself forever.
I'm sorry to be so blunt, but even the back scratching sounds familiar. She is using you and dictating the terms. You simply can't let that asshole elder treat you like that. God, I can't believe how F***ed up these people are. They all need to be in one large asylum. Call your wife's bluff. No sex, no affection, no meetings, no study. Did she love and marry YOU or a male JW? If she chooses the WT over you, then you have your answer. I loved my wife too, but lost respect for her and me when I tried to go back to the meetings after quitting when I discovered the child rape policies.
Good luck and I hope you do well.
i hope you dont get "caught" being on this website...........eeek
My husband was in a similar situation. He began researching, printing stacks of information, and telling me some of the things he was finding out. It scared me so much, I cried, pleading with him that he would be out of the "truth" within 6 months if he kept up. He burned everything that night in the fireplace, but continued lurking. One nite he asked me if I knew Jesus wasn't my mediator. I said that was just apostates talking. He said no, he was reading it from a Watchtower. I turned on my computer and searched the CD Rom, and sure enough, he was right! Was I ever upset, not at him, but the society. That was one thing that started my search. I think the advice to slow down is probably good. Good luck.
Little Bo Peep
"But why do you need to snoop around online about the society, all the info we need is right there(he points to the library) and if you insist on using a computer, all you need is the CD", the p.o. says to me.
Ya, I got told the same thing several years ago when an elder saw me in a public library reading a book called "The Church of the First Three Centuries". Assholes.
We reach the corner and bid our farewells to the p.o. and his wife. As we are walking towards home, my wife says that she loves me and doesn't want to lose me and that my children need me very much, but if it ever comes down to Jah or me...there is no choice! She then does something that makes my blood boil...she puts her hand under my jacket and playfully scratches my back(her sign to me when she wants sex)..."Maybe we can do something tonight", she says.
What, she finds dragging her husband before the elders and demeaning him a turn on? I know this is hard, but I wouldn't be doing anything with her for quite a while. If she asks why, I'd tell her point blank that her little tirade about trying to get him in trouble with the elders really turned you off and you don't look at her the same now. Let her see that there's repercussions to her actions.......I'd also insinuate that if she ever does something like that again, you'll consider leaving her to a life of celibacy......see how warm that keeps her at night.
Can you say trapped for the foreseeable future?
It's up to you and how much you think you can take. I know it's hard with having children. If I were you, I would talk privately with a lawyer to see what your chances of getting custody of the kids are. If wifey was facing the prospect of losing her husband AND her kids because of the religion, she just might change her tune.....
One more thing: obviously you cannot trust her, so I'd make sure you delete the history of "visited sites" after you log off here. If she ever went snooping and discovered you were lurking on an apostate website, she'd have you before a 3 member kangaroo court in no time.
I am part of a group of spouses of JW who are in for the long haul. It is possible to take your spouse with you (if they are willing) but the de-doctrination process can take years. To help keep your sanity, have a plan. The plan will keep you from feeling trapped.
As for the heavy reading in your future, how about putting real material as inserts in the "approved" stuff? To keep your mind from turning to jello.
Oh yes, as veteran spouses, we have noticed that JW zeal comes in waves. So don't get too discouraged if she wades back in to the doctrines after a period of relative "independent thinking". You can map out the "waves" by tracking meeting attendance.
The best time to introduce new ideas is at the dip in the wave. That is, when she has been away from a meeting the longest.
The best place to introduce new ideas is somewhere public. That is, while casually talking when going for a walk, on a trip at the mall, while shopping.
The best presentation of new ideas is as a short sound byte, a simple question. If she jolts, quickly drop the subject and bring up something mundane. You've done your job, you've planted the seed.
I'd set the cow up, plant evidence say, Cigerettes, condoms, morning after pill packaging in her handbag ten pull it out in front of another brother or sister then go to the elders and get her DF'd. Lets see how she likes it being on the outside.
Matt
(Of the "Hate the self righteous" class)
Wow, you've got a wide variety of responses so far. That's good. The more perspectives you received the better thought out your plan will be.
If you're going to stick with this for the long haul then I suggest you stop visiting websites like this and reading anything against the society's viewpoint on matters. I also suggest that you don't research any biblical information too deeply. I say this because the more you learn about the WTS hypocrisy and distortions the angrier and more frustrated you will become - it's difficult to be a good witness while being frustrated and angry about the witness teachings. Your wife will notice that your heart isn't in it. Also, have a plan for field ministry. After I realized how messed up things were in good conscience I couldn't bring people into the truth. My plan for service was to read a scripture and place a tract that discussed what Jehovah's wintesses believe. I let the society's weird beliefs push people away all on their own. I accomplished field ministry but didn't actually accomplish anything benefiting the society. Of course, this was a point of contention between my wife and I.
If you have children, like I do, then watching them have to follow the frustrating and maddening rules about holidays, birthdays and etc. can be excrutiatingly painful. I realized that if I didn't stop soon my children would be indoctrinated and lost to me forever. By me biting the bullet while they're still young I have a chance to save them for a life of slavery to a publishing company and a task master god.
The advice many gave seems valid to me. Take your time, show your wife that you're a good person and that even without the WTS in your life you love her and will be a good regular person. You don't have to be a drug using, fornicating, cussing slob. Well, you can be if you want but that won't get you anywhere with your wife.
Good luck man.
And I know you need one right about now sooooo (((((((((((((((((((((((big manly bear hug))))))))))))))))))))))))) hang in there.
With regards to the p.o, he`s just doing his job and spouting all the 'healthful words'.
For me it is a bad thing that your wife acted in this way at all. I find it infuriating that people are more loyal to 'jehorg' than to a man who clearly is a good provider in all ways for the family. It is an act of disloyalty in my opinion. I have had this said to me by my wife (jehorg comes 1st) and it makes me wince everytime she says it.
The important thing is to go deep undercover and keep your marriage together if that is what you want. Show her that you are a good husband and fade through time. If she still has a major problem with that then I dont know what to say.
My wife respects my decision to cut ties even though she is still in and believes. But then she has no idea that I have read 'contrary material'. You need to make the decision for you though. I was very unhappy trying to be part of something for other people. VERY UNHAPPY. I wouldnt wish it on anyone.
Do the right thing for you and do it in a way that leaves you without reproach.
