This Past Sunday My Wife Took Me To The Elders- Part 2

by enlightenedcynic 78 Replies latest jw experiences

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  jeeprube

  Wow, that is terrible! You need to design an escape plan for yourself and your kids. Get an attorney and get the hell away from that women!
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  kikisdragon

  
  First of all I just want to say that I'm sorry you're having to go through this. It is sad that religion does this to families. I am also sorry to have to disagree with a lot (not all) of the comments on here.

  To me, honesty is always the best route, whether you're a religious person or not. For your kids sake, I would tell your wife that you love her and you want to remain a family, and that you have a right to have doubts and do your own research without the society's permission. I would definitely see a lawyer to find out what your options are. If your wife mentions divorce, then tell her that you don't want to and the elders have no right trying to break your marriage up, which is against bible principles anyways. If she absolutely insists on separating, then that is her choice, and I would resist it however possible - everyone including your kids and other witnesses will see that. Even if you separate, that doesn't mean you have to agree to a divorce. That will show her that you truly love her and want to stay together. Do everything in your power to remain a good father, and openly discuss doubts with your children. They should be taught to question authority anyways, and not blindly follow what someone tells them without finding out if it's actually true or healthy for them! Don't you want them to grow up being able to think for themselves? being able to do what will make them happy in life, not just what the JW org. will restrict them to?

  Here's my story, which is living proof of this. I'll try to be brief as possible.

  My son Jordan is 14 - his father Ray is still a JW, but now disfellowshipped - but he still firmly believes in their teachings, we just don't talk about religion at all, so we remain on good terms. We married before our son was born, then divorced 7 months later while I was pregnant (ex's choice - he even cheated with a prostitute to be considered 'scripturally free'; how warped is that?). We were both dfd during that time for premarital sex, which of course is rediculous because we did end up marrying. Anyways, I was reinstated when our son was 5 months old; I can't remember if Ray was ever reinstated or if he's been dfd all of this time. Jordan has lived with me since then, but his dad is a good father and has frequent and regular visitation.

  After about 7 loooong years of my trying to be a good JW, I started having issues with JW teachings, and realizing that I just wasn't happy in the organization. I started dating non-jws, and eventually was dfd again. But this time, I was NOT repentant, because I realized that the elders didn't care one iota for me or my son's happiness, just if we were in the cult or not. Weird thing happened - my ex became attracted to me again, and we dated again bc I had always wondered if it would work out for us. Ray asked me to marry him a second time, and I accepted. It was nice for awhile, and he knew that I was unsure about whether I wanted to get reinstated again or not. Then we both came to the conclusion that we just weren't good together as husband and wife, and that our goals in life are completely different. I have to admit, I did cheat on him, which is the one thing I truly regret, :( but I know that even if I hadn't, we were going to divorce again anyways. So, we divorced and we've been separate for about 5 or 6 years (I lose track...)

  Ray and I have good communication, plus we respect each other's beliefs so we don't even discuss religion so we don't argue about it. I talk with Jordan all the time about just about everything - he's a smart kid, and very open and honest. He knows what his dad believes, but he also sees that I'm happier since leaving the JW religion, and that I'm now going to college, and doing something with my life and we have quite a few friends. I've taken him to a couple different churches in the past few years, to give him an idea of what religious people outside of the society are like, plus he knows that if his dad does want to take him to a meeting, he can if he wants to, but doesn't have to. I really don't think Jordan ever would go to one again, because he's learning to make up his own mind, and he's sees the hypocrasy and unhealthy way of life that devout JWs lead. He also sees that his dad is a wonderful father whether he is an active JW or not, and I can thank Ray for that anyways. Jordan's seen how my family and past JW 'friends' have completely cut us off because I made it known that I was not coming back 'in the truth'. I think that has helped him to learn to discern who his true friends and family really are. My younger sister, and my cousin Teresa are the two family members who are not JWs anymore either, and we are still close. It took time, but I've made new friends, who are TRUE friends.

  My younger sister never got disfellowshipped, but did the 'fade' thing. So, although she's living a non-JW lifestyle, family and many JWs still talk to her. Personally, I can't live that way. I'm glad that I was dfd because now I'm free, and I don't have to pretend and my position is clear. My son is not any worse off - he is better off!

  So those are my thoughts about it, take it or leave it. If you and your wife ever do separate, I would make it clear to her that you wouldn't want to keep your children from their mother, that they need her. Let her see that you can work it out, visitation, etc. and let it rest on her head if she uses the children to try to manipulate you. Tell your kids that you love them, and you want the best for them and that they are the most important things in both of your lives.

  If you believe in God, then pray about it. I no longer pray because I'm now agnostic, but I know that the majority of people do have faith in a god out there who listens to prayers.

  Best of luck and happiness to your entire family! :)
• 

  DaCheech

  hey neighbor!

  enlightenedcynic,

  I'm sorta in the same boat.

  My wife will most likely leave me if I leave the WT (she has her whole family in it and she's said so in not so many words).

  fortunately for me she knows I read this apostate stuff...... I can even mention tidbits every once in a while.

  Like you, she likes receiving oral sex..... but not giving!
• 

  unique1

  I really have no advice for you. I have dealt with a manipulative mother my entire life and I still don't know how to deal with her. I think Drew has some good advice for you. My friend has been using the bible sucessfully as well. His wife would say well the bible says: and he would reply, no the bible says and read her a scripture that disproves the point. She still believes it is the truth, but she rarely goes to meetings or in field service anymore. She whole heartedly believes in the bible, this is one GOOD teaching of the JW's because they do not always teach what the bible says and it can be used against them without appearing apostate. I wish you the best and my heart goes out to you. Best Wishes. I hope with help from those like Drew who are dealing with this as well you can find a GOOD way out of this.
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  Pistoff

  My 2 cents:
  
  I had been emotionally distant from the "truth" since I realized in the mid 90's that my children could not go through what most children do in their teens, and still be helped by the congregation. One elder in particular just broke my will to go to the hall by lying deliberately about a life and death matter regarding my son.
  I had tried to reinvent my faith many times by first going back to reading old WTs and Awakes, something that used to bring me pleasure. Now, all it was doing was lighting up my realization that the "truth" was ever changing. Then, I tried to just read the Bible; that made it WORSE, as I realized on my own by just reading that the blood prohibition in Acts was just a concession to the Jewish christian faction, and that organization of believers was not necessary and might have been opposed by Jesus.
  Then came Dateline 2002. I researched the topic for a nephew of mine who was inactive but a believer; he was rattled. What I found released me from the prison I had been in since childhood, and I have been a happy UNBELIEVER ever since.
  My wife is another matter; she knows that there is a problem with child sexual abuse policy, that the elder arrangement is a PR fraud and that the disfellowshipping arrangement is criminal. That is as far as she goes. She still attends, but admires me and another son for taking a stand, go figure. I do not attend, and when she asks questions I answer carefully. She has family that are all still in, and we have one son that is young, and still in.
  I am waiting; I am not patient, so it is hard, but that is what I am doing.
  I have no advice to offer; we have been married a very long time, and have much to lose by separating so that is last on my list.
  
  P
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  apocalypse

  I was in almost the exact situation. My wife was hounding me and was practically at a breakup. She made clear that the borg came first and I was down the list.

  Today, my wife posts on this board (wannaexit) and we are fake dubs.

  Until the old folks die or something, we put on the appearance for their sake.

  Show the face at meetings and FS where needed to make it look good, but do what you want otherwise.

  If you want to know the way to where we are today, mail me [email protected]
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  Honesty

  You are in a very bad situation, she will stop at nothing to either make you tow the line or catch you red handed. I would not put it past someone like this to even video tape you on line, Watch your back. Very sad to have to say this about your own household. She will even turn the kids against you.

  This can happen to you so easily it will make your hair stand up when it does.

  It happened to me just because I quit going to the meetings and started reading my bible without using the Watchtower's poison to "aid" me in "understanding" it.
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  mcsemike

  To Enl. Cynic: Again, you have my deepest sympathy. I've never seen such a crock of sh*t in my life. How spouses can betray each other makes you wonder if they married YOU or a male body who was a JW and she could stand to look at you longer than 5 minutes. She feels unsafe? She's more likely to get hurt at the door of some crackpot whom you've awakened on Sunday morning than by you. I've encountered the threat of guns at the door. She rarely sees you study the WT material?? Why should you, do you have a pathological desire to vomit every ten minutes?

  And the clincher: "Anyone who doubts Jehovah's organization is capable of anything." Jesus Christ. Now I've heard it all. How about "anyone who would let their child die from no blood" is the crazy one? How about a person joining a cult that ranted against vaccines and germs being dangerous? How many people have died because of following WT doctrines? I'm sorry, but she needs years of psychiatric help. (You weren't going to kill, cook, and eat the kids and the family pets, were you?? Sorry, had to check.)

  Then the PO validates this comment with a request for you to defend yourself? I have a message for him: "The proctologist called, they found your head." Where did you find old WT articles? Well, gee whiz, some people have books going back a long time. I have Studies in the Scriptures. How many people have that?? Is it now a crime to read something from 1950 that, if you didn't believe it then, you would have been DF'd? Can you spell "The truth never changes."?

  The UN thing is on any newsfeed. It's now wrong to watch the news? What is this, the Dark Ages? The Spanish Inquisition? Who the hell do these people think they are? To the WT: Newsflash: "YOU DO NOT OWN THE UNIVERSE. GOT IT????"

  "He's going to be just fine." Yes, if you listen to them, you will be a certified mental patient. That's why the WT has up to 40 times more mental illness than the population in general. And they mock the world and its thinking.

  I hate to sound this way, but this happened to me. I wouldn't touch your wife at all or let her touch you. Not even a hug. She stabbed you in the back. Some here have said to let her beg for affection, but I'd tell her if she ever pulled a stunt like that again, it's divorce time (if the kids can survive it). Sex is NOT a reward, it's a shared thing. Call her bluff. Wasn't Eve told she would crave her husband? Maybe you can do something tonight? Yeah, watch a late movie, surf apostate sites, and sleep on the couch for a few months. I think she'll get the point. Good luck and happiness, my friend. Keep us posted. This one was a keeper.
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  Quandry

  I hope you are still reading replies to your post about your situation. I just found it on this site. Please be patient with your wife. Not too long ago I had some of the same issues with my husband. I think women are interested in security and your wife is afraid the family will fall apart if you become less than the eager spiritual leader. Take things slow. If perhaps you see articles in the newspaper or on T.V. against witnesses point those out. Or try pointing to the latest gossip in the hall about elders mistreating publishers. Or just really give your family some well deserved attention by taking them camping or on a trip. Get close as a family so that the only tie that binds is not just meetings and field service. Really have some good discussions that do not center around the Bible of goings on of witnesses. Go to interesting places. Encourage her to go back to school or in some other way improve her self esteem. Hang in there. Your wife has been programmed like we all were at one time.